8 years as a mum - still not a fan

[addictedtotheifonly]

Really struggling here 😢 My beautiful daughter is 8 and I love her more than I ever knew I could love another human. But I absolutely hate being a mum. I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone so much but feel so much resentment for what your life has become.

I hate the responsibility of regulating someone else’s emotions.
I hate having to make small talk with other parents at school - the dullest people I’ve ever met.
I despise the birthday parties.
I fucking hate playing - with a passion.
I detest making packed lunches at 10pm when you’re lying in bed and it suddenly dawns on you that she needs a packed lunch tomorrow.

I hate hate HATE being ripped from my peaceful sleep before my alarm is set.
Having to pay four times my monthly
mortgage for holidays abroad during school holidays boils my fucking piss.

The fact that my kiddo is off school for 13 fucking bastard weeks of the year and yet I get 5 weeks of annual leave makes me want to scream.
Spending hundreds of pounds a month on different co-curricular and extra-curricular clubs and after school care.
The RELENTLESS emails from the school of various “bring a pound” or “bring fifty pence” or “wear yellow for some stupid fucking reason” days.
The tiredness.
THE FUCKING PARK.

I hate every single bit of it.

But I love my daughter too much to simply disappear like a fart in the wind. So here I am, wondering if anyone else feels like I do.
Oh, and if you clutch your fucking pearls and warm up your judgy fingers just to tell me I’m an awful person then go the fuck ahead - I don’t care anymore.

Yep , its boring ,tedious and thankless. The moment your kids are born freedom is gone

Playing is something I've heard from many mums say that can be quite a drag. Can you take her to playgroup or have playdates to spare yourself?

I used to feel exactly like you OP. Loathed the school drop offs and pick ups finding myself trapped with absolute bores. I ended up waiting on a bench down the road to avoid the after school bollocks. The poxy packed lunches. Endless letters from the school. The parents’ evenings where the teacher is stuck in the mindset of speaking to you like a five year old as you sit on a tiny chair. All shit. My sons are grown men now. Fabulous people so no harm done but you’re always made to feel guilty for being bored shitless with the lot of it.

33 years and counting. Love the kids, loathe parenting.

You’re completely normal.
Having children should be viewed as a job, not a hobby. There are bits you will enjoy, but you will spend a lot of the time with too much responsibility, not feeling appreciated, and wondering when you can get some time off. And your boss is a dickhead.

Actually made me spit out my morning coffee 😂😂😂

These comments are both beautifully helpful, supportive and understanding and funny in equal measure 😅

I had fully crashed out when I started this thread, I was in tears and just at the end of my frayed rope.

Reading it back, I sound so damn angry - and I was. These feelings do present themselves every so often but I defo don’t always feel this bad or this angry at the life I chose.

Interesting fact, I’ve recently launched a Taylor Swift tribute act and I feel really pissy every time I have to turn down ‘pay the mortgage that month’ money because it’s my weekend with my kiddo and I can’t take her with me to big gigs.

It’s stupid stuff like that where I think frustration quietly builds inside and then when she is being particularly hard work it all comes out and I just feel done.
There was a reply that pretty much said, in a very kind way, I need to learn to regulate better and it’s true. Or just deal with how I feel in a different way.

I do look forward to chats about work and dating one day - the younger years are such a slog 🙈

Morning op! I’m not as far in as you as mine are 5 and 2 but i have a daily struggle to not think i have ruined my life!

I have one question - is there a reason DD can’t have school dinners instead of packed lunch? I absolutely hated having to do packed lunches for childminders. Now nursery do the food and 5 year old has school dinners. Packed lunches can fuck off.

Bedtime routine and baths stress me out. My older dc is like a cat during bath time; my neighbours must think I'm torturing my child and it's a wonder no one has called social services. Younger child needs to stop diving over me and reel those bloody elbows in.
It is getting better, but I'm tired. I'm bruised. And I'm soaking wet.

I hear you! Being a parent is wonderful, often. Parenting, is shite.

I am grateful we can home Ed as frankly I couldn’t handle all the messages and instructions from school, all the politics, all the pick up and drop off militancy and the expensive holidays.

I’ve worked hard to have a lot of autonomy in my own life with no one telling me what to do and when, so neither of us wanted to give that up when we had kids. We had reckoned on school initially but it has worked out much better all round for now. Kiddo super happy and learning loads and we get to hang out as a family unit.

most do this is only possible because I had a massive accident and my DH has a lot of free time, so I get we are really lucky- but I absolutely hear you.

there’s a life before kids and a life after. There are many losses to grieve! Liberty! Choice! Sleep! Autonomy! Etc etc

It’s perfectly ok to be angry at times, although it’s clearly more frustration at your current situation than anger at your daughter who you quite clearly adore.

Again more frustration in that you’re having to turn down well paid gigs. I’m sure this is going to seem like a very obvious suggestion and one you have already explored…….but could her Dad offer more flexibility so you can gig, do you have family? A babysitter?

I appreciate you’re not just nipping out for an hour when you do a gig but it sounds like a hugely important outlet for you not to mention the money aspect.

I hate control for its own sake too and think things are much worse on that front than when I was a kid myself but don't you think your kids will struggle with conventional stuff when they eventually do need to comply with pointless life rules? I think there's benefit in learning to at least pretend to fit in. I'm probably just jealous.

I'm with you @addictedtotheifonly

Love my kids but hate most of the things on your list too.

This is why I have one child.
I don't talk to anyone at the school gate just the parents I get on with.
I dont volunteer.
I dont even kick up a fuss when his useless father does stupid things anymore.
Just let it be.

Same!!! Stopped at 1 and it was the best decision ever. I genuinely don't understand women who already seem overwhelmed, but go on to have 2 or 3 kids...it's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Seeing siblings shriek, argue and take turns winding their parents up is something I cannot fathom dealing with. That would do me in, honestly.

Finding a few parents you get along with at school does make life easier though. It's much nicer to have a bit of banter and stay in the loop during school events rather than sit through everything alone in a corner. Same for playdates and parties. Doing it with someone you enjoy is easier than dealing with the awkwardness of interacting with near strangers. I don't think I'll remain friends with any of the other families once our children get older, but it does make life better in the present phase.

Regarding holidays, just fucking stop taking them! It's a gamechanger. I always hated holidays because it was constant moaning and bickering the car. Nobody could listen to the music they like, everything was a constant compromise and the journey was gruelling instead of being fun. At the hotel I get no downtime, meals constantly stressful because you don't want to be "that" family with an ipad on the table so you have to actively keep DD entertained which is boring as fuck, and if I leave her in the kids club for any amount of time, she will 100% catch a virus and the rest of the holiday becomes even more horrific.

At one point I just put a foot down and said no more holidays until DD is older and we can all enjoy a trip like normal human beings. No more kids-centred bullshit. The past year without holidays has been one of the most relaxing ones since DD was born. Every school holiday we simply plan shorter day trips, meet friends, sleep in, go shopping but everything within the radius of home and no more than 40mins driving. Most importantly, everyone gets to "reset" in the evening in their own space. With the money saved, we can easily buy some bigger things like toys or Lego sets that DD really wants. She has never once talked about wanting to go abroad or missing a big holiday, but absolutely loves the chill ones at home.

I can understand finding a toddler relentless but I think it's really odd to find parenting an 8 year old so draining. My DD is the same age and an only child. If she's bored she reads a book, does some craft activities or plays the piano; she doesn't require constant attention. And if making packed lunches is such a hassle, why can't she have school dinners?

I honestly cannot bear to hear kids fighting too. It goes through me.

Hello fellow Swifty!

DS is 9 now and recently it's much easier. He is so fun to talk to, the imaginary play has largely stopped, and he wants to read together or explore places both of which I love. When his pals come over they also need almost no interaction and just play together so that's a nice break.

Sending a big squeezy hug. Also your TS tribute act sounds amazing.

@User086758 we did similar re holidays

We didn’t stop altogether but we do some staycations with local day trips and our “holidays” are the nearest Centre Parcs or Isle of Wight which are both simple and minimal travel time

I do understand where you are coming from. I am a massive introvert and having a child means you Have to interact with other people ALL THE TIME. Plus I made it harder for myself than I needed to.

I am currently fostering a cat and I find I’m constantly putting the cats interest before my own. But that’s a me problem too.

I think because I saw it that way I had very little resentment of my child.

But I want to give you some hope. I’ve read that the age of 9 to 12 are the best years. Independent enough to dress, feed themselves etc, but still love you with all their heart. Plus they start to develop a sense of humour which is so much fun.

But the best bit is having an adult daughter. I can’t believe how much this means to me. I think my need for peace and calm means she’s appreciates that I don’t want to be breathing down her neck, telling her what to do. But I’m there as soon as she needs me. I’ve also got a wonderful sin in law to boot.

So people are right to say that the best is yet to come.

For those who aren't great fans of motherhood did you plan your pregnancies? We had fertility treatment !

I think it would be odd to not find parenting hard, at the end of the day you are trying to raise a decent human being & there is far more pressure on parents today.

You write well. I’ve found it a bit of a grind too but have an anxious child that I love so much and want to support. My dh is able to let go but I find it difficult for all sorts of reasons. I feel like I want to be a free spirited hippy but have had to be the opposite because, you know, life. It definitely does get easier when they’re 9-12 then gets a different kind of hard in the teen years.
Keep going if you can with the tribute act and your own interests and hobbies. You need them to get through.

Now we're at 8 i do wish I'd had another one but im not going back now ! It does get easier from around 6. My child actually likes me now😂

When they hit secondary school you get more time and less of the stress. Then they go to uni and after that they’re gone.