8 years as a mum - still not a fan

[addictedtotheifonly]

Really struggling here 😢 My beautiful daughter is 8 and I love her more than I ever knew I could love another human. But I absolutely hate being a mum. I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone so much but feel so much resentment for what your life has become.

I hate the responsibility of regulating someone else’s emotions.
I hate having to make small talk with other parents at school - the dullest people I’ve ever met.
I despise the birthday parties.
I fucking hate playing - with a passion.
I detest making packed lunches at 10pm when you’re lying in bed and it suddenly dawns on you that she needs a packed lunch tomorrow.

I hate hate HATE being ripped from my peaceful sleep before my alarm is set.
Having to pay four times my monthly
mortgage for holidays abroad during school holidays boils my fucking piss.

The fact that my kiddo is off school for 13 fucking bastard weeks of the year and yet I get 5 weeks of annual leave makes me want to scream.
Spending hundreds of pounds a month on different co-curricular and extra-curricular clubs and after school care.
The RELENTLESS emails from the school of various “bring a pound” or “bring fifty pence” or “wear yellow for some stupid fucking reason” days.
The tiredness.
THE FUCKING PARK.

I hate every single bit of it.

But I love my daughter too much to simply disappear like a fart in the wind. So here I am, wondering if anyone else feels like I do.
Oh, and if you clutch your fucking pearls and warm up your judgy fingers just to tell me I’m an awful person then go the fuck ahead - I don’t care anymore.

All of those things you mention are annoying, and many people think so.

However, the fact that they enrage you so intensely makes me wonder if you are depressed? I had awful post natal depression after both my kids were born (with the first one I didn’t recognise it and get treatment until she was a year old) and it was only after I got treatment that my feelings changed. I just thought every parent felt as crap about it all as I did.

I love this. Thank you for articulating how I feel about parenting. I love my kids beyond anything but the whole experience is fucking challenging.

Hehe yes! I love that you got the reference - a fellow Swifty ♥️ Yes, this isn’t talked about enough - the fact you will spend the rest of your life worrying. With half of your heart beating inside someone else’s body and you just have to hope they are safe and happy forever more….which is obviously out of your control for the most part. If I knew the toll being a mum would take I wouldn’t have done it….But I couldn’t live if anything ever happened to her now that she’s in existence. It really is a brain scrambler 🤦🏼‍♀️

I do struggle with anxiety but it’s more when I’m finding my daughter to be particularly demanding that it rears its head. The Easter break has been particularly torturous to be honest and I basically crashed out when I wrote this post. I was so anxious to look at my phone the next day. I thought people would think I was the devil. But seeing the solidarity of so many mum’s has made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts ♥️

I’m genuinely so thankful for all your replies. I really thought everyone would think I’m a monster.

For context, my daughter has been struggling with anxiety since the end of term. She had a virus that floored her for a few days and she hasn’t really picked up since - it’s turned into anxiety (I think?! The doctors aren’t being overly helpful really - I even took her to hospital one day thinking she might have diabetes!)
I’ve been trying to juggle working from home whilst she’s been off and when she’s been booked into holiday clubs, she’s not gone as she has just wanted to be glued to my hip.

That said, her dad is great and very much shares the load although we’re not together. My mum and dad help too….but it’s more the constant worry, even when she’s not with me.

And then when she’s been with me I’ve been on eggshells waiting for her to have a breakdown over the smallest thing (not knowing what to wear sends her absolutely spiralling).

Your kind replies have made me realise I do put a lot of pressure on myself to please her. I also bend over backwards to make her feel like the most loved human in the world (perhaps my guilt knowing that I don’t actually like being a mum and I’m scared she’ll realise it?!) Whenever we go to the shops she always always gets a treat, could be a £10 toy or just a little keyring. She always wants things….she doesn’t directly ask and if I say no she never EVER kicks up a fuss….but then it’s like I think “well she’s so well behaved I’m gonna get her it anyway.” I think I’ve spoiled her and perhaps created a rod for my own back. Because now I’m trying to make her be a bit more independent she’s getting all anxious and weepy. She’s always been such a mammas girl and never wants to leave me to go to daddy’s. Even though he is a FAR better, more patient and more playful parent than me. He is honestly better than I could ever be as a parent in so many ways….but I’m proactive and the ‘fixer’ - I’m more alpha and he’s more beta. I don’t know the relevance of that, I’m rambling!

I’m just so grateful to you all for your understanding and not judging me, I really can’t tell you how much better I feeling knowing I’m not alone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m excited for the part where everyone says it gets really good 😂

I love this reply. It actually really speaks to me as I’m a very pragmatic person. I wonder if I just feel conned - like I was sold a Lamborghini and it turned out to have a fiat punto engine so it’s no fun at all 😂
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they are so very true!!

You know - we went to a birthday party a few weeks back and I sat there thinking surely my presence is totally unnecessary. Perhaps that’ll be the last one….maybe I should have simply asked the question 🤦🏼‍♀️
Yes this is true and then it’s on to the next stage isn’t it, hormones and moody swings. God help me 😂

I’d rather pluck my pubes out than ever do role play again. Funny as I loved it as a kid and had a great imagination but now - fuck that. Thankfully my husband picked up the slack in that regard.

Mine is 11 and is finally becoming somebody I enjoy hanging out with and they have a great sense of humour. If I’ve done one thing right it’s raised a genuinely funny kid.

I enjoy it more now than I ever have but yeah, it’s a grind, expensive and there are always a million things to think about.

I do hope seeing posts like mine and the comments below have helped cement your knowledge that you made the right choice. I know it can be a battle/internal struggle to make the choice “to parent or not to parent.” I have friends who are childless/child free and they seem to go back and forth a little.

Thank you for saying parents are super hero’s too. I feel like a super hero with no super powers - just a hope that I’ll keep fighting but hopefully not die 🥴😂

Yep - pass me the fucking tweezers 😂😂😂

I think I need to learn to say no 🤔

My daughter does genuinely make me laugh and she’s great company normally but the last 3 weeks have been about as enjoyable as passing a cactus. Back to school tomorrow and I’m hoping she returns to her normal self 🙏🏻

Do you mind if I ask, did you ever wish to have a child/children?

I (RIDICULOUSLY) didnt think about it a whole lot 🤦🏼‍♀️ I got married and then it seemed like the logical next step….or the expected next step maybe? Me and my (now ex) husband never even really had a conversation about whether we wanted kids. But then POOF! She was here 😂 And I love her with every piece of me, which is the sole reason I haven’t moved to Australia, ALONE 🥴

Sending you my solidarity in mystery my friend!! ♥️♥️♥️

Right! 🤣🤣

I also feel that we have overindulged our child somewhat with the role play, mostly out of guilt as they’re an only child. For example, for years and years we couldn’t just walk the dogs as a family. No, every walk had to turn into some role play nightmare!

Play in the garden? - role play
Go to the park? - role play
bake a cake? - fucking role play again!

It’s honestly been the bane of my life. Mercifully we do seem to be teetering on the edge of putting it to bed once and for all. But when I think we’ve finally escaped it, it fucking pops up again….

8/9 seems grown up but actually they’re still so young and childish (funny that 😆) but in the next couple of years she will change again and become somebody you genuinely want to share fun times with. Things that YOU find fun (sounds unfathomable doesn’t it?!)

I hear you and I agree with you. You are the very reason I choose not to have children. Retired at 54, currently on a 6 month holiday in the sun. That’s not said to gloat but I could not do what you are doing, but I’ll never have anyone to look out for me in old age or and grand children -we all make our own choices in life

I agree with the PP that more might be going on. While I can definitely identify with aspects of your post, the overall level of anger made me really uncomfortable.

Although we live in a society that celebrates “venting”, my understanding is that the science says that raging about things as a way of letting off steam is actually psychologically worse for us than learning to process and down-regulate our feelings.

I’m no stranger to anger (I have a narcissistic ex) but I have learned to tell myself “For my own peace of mind, I’m not going to let this get to me”. It sounds stupid but it’s possible to shift your mindset from “Fuck this is so irritating and UNFAIR” to “Oh well, it’s just the way it is” and to try to find the humour or insight in challenging situations.

It’s interesting, I notice when I mention things to my boyfriend that my ex has done, he gets far more upset about it than I do (he also has anxiety) even though the impact is not directly on him. So to a large degree, emotional response is a choice, and you can choose a greater level of peace… which generally starts with radical acceptance of reality, rather than fighting against it in your mind.

I should also add that we had a similar trajectory to parenthood in that we never sat down and had a serious discussion about the likely impact on our lives and was that something that we actually wanted?

We had many great childfree years together and then came a point where it was shit or get off the pot. Are we going to regret not doing it? Yeah probably……..

That was pretty much the extent of our decision making.

Needless to say it was rather a nasty shock when ours arrived and I genuinely thought that the baby would just slot right into my life.

I honestly look back and don’t know whether to laugh or cry at my naivety. It was absurd really!

Thankfully we’ve managed not to fuck things up and have a bright, healthy, happy kid and thank god for that. I know how fortunate we are.

But being honest about the many shitty parts is really important. It’s really quite soothing when you have that solidarity with others so I do hope that this thread has helped

You are not alone!

My best friend did try and tell me before I had my kids that it was exactly like this. Of course at the time I thought she was being a bit of a selfish cow.

She was right though. Love the kids dearly but the relentlessness of the lifestyle means I cant wait until they are old enough to move out.

Tell her you can’t right now - you’ve got some job around the house to do…. So she’ll have to play by herself. It’s actually really important for kids to be ‘bored’ and occupy themselves - honestly you’re doing her a huge favour. (As long as screens isn’t the alternative!).

OP, you sound like my Grandmother. Who's great by the way.
A little secret - you don't have to be the kind of Mum you feel that you should be. That was what I was most afraid of myself- that I wouldn't live up to some kind of "Mum standard" that I had set myself. You can be YOU and also a great Mum, the two are not mutually exclusive. Because it sounds like you're trying to stamp your own self out of the way in order to be a great Mum, and you dont have to do that. You can mentally tell the school-gate Mums to F off and not make any small walk whatsoever, etc., and still do a
great job.

I relate to a lot of what you’re saying.
I do actually love being a mum but the loss of my freedom has hit me really hard and it’s something I sometimes feel annoyed about. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about life before children.
I adore them both and can’t imagine life without them in it but at the same time, I miss having my own life where I can just get up and go wherever I want.

I think that’s when they’ve moved out and just come home for Sunday lunch.

I get it @addictedtotheifonly❤️ I feel we can’t be honest like this is real life for fear of being shot down. But parenting is RELENTLESS.

I love them to pieces and actually ALOT of the relentlessness (is that even a word?!) is the constant worry like you say. It never stops.

Parenting is hard but you have to be a bit strategic too. Things I’ve done that help me:

DD now does one hobby I am genuinely interested in (horse riding) so I like watching that and am happy to spend time at the stables. And talk to her about her hobby. I also HATE the playground and it’s always full of parents who let their kids behave dreadfully. I avoid the playground and softplay.

We spend a lot of time cycling or on “tree climbing walks” again this is win win as DD has fun cycling / climbing trees etc and me and DH enjoy walking / cycling / spending time in nature so we all find it a pleasant enough way to spend time, we also throw in a visit to a nice cafe for decent coffee / ice cream for DC. Miles better than the dreaded playground!

I look out for cinema stuff I can enjoy too

Parties are typically drop-and-go now so 2 hours to myself.

There’s one sporting hobby DD does that I find a bit dull to watch and the other parents there bore me to tears. Solution is my ear pods in my ears with a good podcast to listen to and nice drink in my flask. I smile and say hello to the other parents but feel no guilt for enjoying my podcast with a nice coffee while they make boring small talk!

School drop off and pick up I arrive bang on time so no need for small talk

Play dates I have figured out which kids are firstly no trouble and secondly the parents reciprocate. So I no longer feel resentful about hosting.

I’ve realised I don’t find 90% of the other school mums interesting so I’m polite to them but make no effort beyond a polite hello. Now DC getting older I feel no guilt or need to “facilitate” her friendships via chatting to the school mums.

At home I workout with my weights and have DC do her own routine (basically gymnastics) so it feels like spending quality time with her but also doing something for myself. Ditto gardening DC helps and potters about while I get a few bits done

I also struggle with role play games (!) so try to encourage stuff I mind less like crafts. I’m going to start encouraging family read in time where we all read together

It’s the food as well. Constantly making foooood, cleaning up food, ordering food, planning food. Rinse repeat.

yes they can make some of their own food now but then the mess! And round we go again.