DH didn’t realise being a parent could be so hard

[Unintentionallycausingoffence]

DH has said he didn’t think being a parent would be so hard and he wouldn’t get much time for himself. DS has ASC which comes with its challenges for all of us. Does anyone else feel like this about being a DP?

I had no clue it would be this hard at all.

I think if he says he’s at breaking point, that’s very worrying and you should take him seriously.

Has he seen his GP? Even/especially if he struggles to articulate what might help?

Is there any family support at all - at least one grandparent who can take your son for small chunks of time, or at least take one of you out to the pub/cafe/walk for a bit?

I agree, having my daughter was the shock of my life. She’s only 9 months, I love her to bits and wouldn’t change having her but I had no idea how much our lives would be turned upside down.

I think everyone finds it harder than they expected. I know I will always worry about them, that’s stressful.

I’ve always looked at my friends and siblings with their children and thought that looks no fun at all. And when my sister told me in my 20s that I wouldn’t have time to read a book with young kids I just thought nope! And didn’t have any. Best decision I’ve ever made.

I don't think it's hard, just really, really boring. The drudgery, the walking at snail's pace while every stone and leaf has to be inspected, the dragging out of meal times... Yes toddlers say funny things and the chat makes things more entertaining but still. I honestly think that parents who say they live in constant wonder at their young children are either lying or are rather dim. It's sporadic wonder that happens just in the nick of time.
Can't really complain about it though. You'd have to have been living with your ears shut to have not heard parents saying how tiring young children are.

@Unintentionallycausingoffence i think 8/9 yers old is when you can start to lift your head out of the swamp of exhaustion and find yourself again.
so if your DS has additional needs it sounds like neither of you are getting this respite of a more independent (and often more interesting) child.
do you have any support? Is there anyone who can have DS even for one night so you can have some time, and a lie-in?
if not, I think I would take DH seriously and see if you can start introducing a carer.

Oh for sure we had no idea! (Also have a child with ASC). We were the classic smug parents before we became parents, full of judgement about how other people parented their kids and assuring ourselves how we would do it better!

Got a hard sharp wakeup call on that. Served us bloody right too.

But having children is definitely the Best thing Ever.

Ours are 16 and 14 now.

The best bit of parenting advice I ever got was; 'Remember... if it's all going badly or it's all going well... it's still just a phase'.

Op, I thibk the relentlessness is what's hardest and I have noticed that its more often the men who really struggle to accept that this change is real. Women who struggle (and I 100% put myself in this category), struggle because we are just so tired and scared we have done it wrong and feel so desperate but men who struggle seem to be still surprised by how hard it is, even years later. I think its that surprise and resentment that I find difficult- these are grown assed men, surely they can figure out this is life and then do the work to figure out how to make it easier or better?

After 9 years, I dont think its unreasonable for both of you to be wanting things to be a bit easier, but what is he doing to achieve this?

I struggled massively with how hard it was, and it’s why I only have one. DS is an adult now and I do and always have loved the bones of him. But after the initial baby stage, he was an easy child and and easy teenager and has turned into a wonderful young man. DH and I know how lucky we’ve been with him, but I always say that I was able to be a great parent to the one, very easy, well-behaved child I had but I am not a generically great parent.

I've got an autistic child, I had one without additional needs first. I had no idea how difficult it would be parenting an autistic child. The first I adapted to easily, I knew they would need constant care the first few years and the first year would involve some sleepless nights. What I wasn't prepared for with my autistic child was for the sleepless nights to still be happening at 5, meltdowns still happening, constant worry about their future, still being on edge and needing them at arms length anywhere we go because their behaviour is unpredictable, them not being able to tell me what they want/need consistently, worry about judgement because of their development delays. I don't think anyone is really prepared for that. The idea we have in our heads is of parenting a child with typical development.

I only ever heard how hard it is having a baby and so was worried about it being difficult. So it turned out easier than I anticipated. Ours did sleep well from the outset which I think makes a big difference.

We both teach & we always found it easier being with our own than teaching classes all day. You don’t have the same stresses & if you have a bad day then you don’t have the fear of someone coming to observe you or a parent messaging you about it.

I like teenagers which helps now they’re older.

I think there’s too much pressure on Mums - I didn’t use Mumsnet until mine were older as people are very judgmental on here about whether you breastfeed, what you feed them as toddlers, whether you go back to work & so on. It becomes a bit of a pile on when someone genuinely needs support. For example they have an underweight baby who won’t sleep more than 20 mins, won’t settle on their own, cries all the time - but the Mum is pressured to continue breastfeeding as it’s the only way. So I think that along with people posting perfect baby posts on insta isn’t helping. That said you only need to glance on here to see it’s not easy being a parent.

When our kids were small my dh was lonely because I was so tied up with them.
I am sorry now I didn’t get a regular babysitter and make more of an effort on us.
On surprise no4 I was much more relaxed and we enjoyed her rather than endured her.

Ah yes, because there’s nothing more sexually attractive than someone who fucked off when there was work to be done and abandoned you and the children until it was “easier” and more fun 😂 What an absolute pillock he is.

Same. My parents made it pretty clear to myself and my two brothers as we were growing up that they plain didn't like/enjoy being parents...and they did the barest minimum. My mother was a SAHM and was pretty resentful. My father cleared off for good the moment my younger brother turned 18.

We are all in our 50s now and my mother wonders why she doesn't have any grandchildren. You reap what you sow.

I had two daughters in my early twenties and didn’t feel the impact at all, lots of energy and adapted well. I had a son in my late thirties and massively struggled, ds also has asd so is more challenging. It’s been a huge shock to me

The practical stuff yes but not the emotional stuff. I was babysitting from age 12 for payment and had looked after my younger sister from age 9. I’m older than the average poster on here and it was not so unusual back then.

You do have less time inevitably but I did always find time for hobbies though not as much. Didn’t have children with additional needs though plus didn’t put ourselves through this modern day treadmill of a million activities, they each had one activity. Also sent them to local schools, the far better secondary was a bus ride away, our friends were shocked we didn’t send them but they both did very well and I had confidence in them. Information overload these days, obviously a lot of it is useful but I’m sure it’s bewildering for new parents. plus social media and I mean mainly the lifestyle stuff, I think it messes with peoples minds.

I think men overall struggle to articulate feelings more, it’s what makes them worse humans overall. Having worked with treating many children and adults with severe additional needs as a young nurse in a medical setting it was inevitably the Mothers who always seemed more involved.

Are you able to tag team? So you each get a couple hours on an evening to do a hobby once or twice a week. And each get a lay in on a weekend?

Men like this are pathetic. They find it "too hard" but don't compute that when they leave, they are leaving the mother to do the "too hard" thing all by herself i.e. making it even harder and she has no choice in that.

@honeylulu
yup!
although sometimes when the twins are at their worst I wonder if it was the most cowardly thing he’s ever done or the bravest to actually turn round say actually this isn’t for me

but that doesn’t take away from the fact he is a dick. He was actually a decent dad to our first but massive mid life crisis at the same time the twins arrived was the nail in the coffin. He left when they were babies and barely seen them in half a decade

Weirdly enough, I found the first 3 years quite easy. I was prepared for the horrors I'd seen friends, colleagues and family go through...but it was OK...but (you know there's a but...)

Turns out age 3-13 with an AuDHD PDA child is really extremely hard!

OMG, she's so volatile, emotional, impulsive, loud and messy!

And as for EHCP paperwork and tribunals (almost always done by mums), that can get in the bin.

DH and I nearly broke up when she was about 6 (she was diagnosed at 7).

Can you go to a counsellor with DH? A lot of places do online now. I can recommend someone with SEN experience.

Why does that make him a bad person? All my kids have asd and there is literally no one in my family with it so I wasn’t aware how hard it would be.

Thank you, I am going to speak to DH and work something out

I had no idea it would be this hard with two. Mine are young and so still need so much attention for everything. I think its fair enough to admit its hard as long as DH is still helping and trying. The worst is when they stop engaging with what needs to be done. Mine does this at times and it just makes everything so much harder.

DH has had a difficult and distant relationship with his own DP since adolescence which doesn’t help. Does anyone else have a similar experience who may be able to make any suggestions?