DH didn’t realise being a parent could be so hard

[Unintentionallycausingoffence]

DH has said he didn’t think being a parent would be so hard and he wouldn’t get much time for himself. DS has ASC which comes with its challenges for all of us. Does anyone else feel like this about being a DP?

Being a parent is hard. I think women tend to adjust quicker, because it's our body carrying the baby, and we have no bloody choice! Men, can't really comprehend it all, and nothing much changes until baby actually arrives. It's at that point, a man suddenly realises that life has changed.

Of course, there are men out there (my friend has one) who just carry on with their own hobbies/going out with friends etc, as if they were child free. Nothing changes in their life, because they are essentially too selfish, and don't prioritise their child.

So yes, it's hard when you realise that you can't do what you want/when, because a little person needs your time and attention. It can take time to adjust. However, it's not forever, the older children become, the more self-sufficient they become and you get more couple/individual time.

No one has really any idea how hard it will be and nothing anyone can else says can prepare you.
Each child is different, each parent copes differently.

My XP was like this. He was completely convinced it would be a white picket fence roses round the door Hollywood experience, and couldn’t/wouldn’t put in the time & effort required. He left everything to me and then blamed me for not having time for him, and complained I was always tired, and nagged me for sex. He sought attention from others and I kicked him out when I had concrete proof of an affair.

If we knew in advance we’d never do it. I don’t think anyone would deny that.

also - as a father speaking here - females have more time to get used and acclimatise because it’s all happening inside you - but for fathers one day we’re not a father the next day we are and the shock is real. We generally do our best but it’s bloody hard for everyone.

My ExH didn’t enjoy parenting. Have dc with additional needs including autism that sounds similar. Exh became hard to live with and eventually it was easier to do it myself than put up with his moods (although I didn’t expect him to check out of his share of caring as much as he did)

You can ask social care for an assessment and explain your relationship is under pressure and you need time together / help in school holidays. I only really got help once I was a single parent from social care.

A friend and her dh used to go for lunch dates when their child was at special school as the only time they could find.

My best help has been through using a specialist autism provider. They have worked with us at home and although it takes a big commitment financially and practically (if you can’t get it on EHCP) it means home life is much better. I thought dc may end up in residential but as a young adult is very content and ability to regulate, communicate and life skills are much better than I could have imagined. We really needed 1:1 support at home to make home life work smoothly. A big difference is tolerance to demands which used to be a big problem but with age and good intervention have really improved. It has taken years of work to get to this point.

Ideally you would each give each other regular time off to do things you enjoy or even the odd weekend away from caring. I know I always need things to look forward to for me / breaks from caring. Even if these times are few and far between just having them in the calendar helps.

If there are issues with your dc at home that are causing stress and you can throw some money at it then using a specialist autism provider who works with families could be a solution. You may be able to get some social care direct payments to help fund this. Obviously outreach support should be available via special school or social care but in my experience it’s not. Teaching your child new skills in the home situation and changing your parenting (usually to being much more consistent) can make a big difference but it’s not a quick fix.