How do parents juggle work, children, housework and avoid burnout?

[Sunshine231]

How do people manage to keep a clean tidy house, work full time, have more than one child and have time to do activities with those kids and stay sane / not burn out? And also maintain their appearance, get their hair and nails done etc.? I have quite a high pressure job. I clean the house once a week but it’s just a surface level clean really. It takes 2 hours but I can still see things that need cleaning when I’m done (inside windows, skirting boards, doors, inside of the washing machine). And then all of our cupboards are just chaos and need sorting but I never seem to have time to do it. I feel guilty for not doing enough activities with the kids. My house just never looks properly clean and organised. I feel tired and overwhelmed all the time. I look a complete state. My makeup bag is just a mess of old makeup but I can’t find time to sort it. Haven’t had my hair or nails done for years. Am I missing something? How are other parents doing it all?

Be the dad.

is there another parent?
Also, can you afford to pay for help? Cleaner to start with.

I think something always has to give and you can’t have it all. We’ve always prioritised the kids activities and have probably lost a bit of ourselves and the house definitely isn’t as tidy as it could be. You just have to find the things that matter most and chill out a bit about some of the other things. I reckon the last time I had my nails done it was for my honeymoon but I don’t really value that so I’m not bothered.

On a serious note, the only mums I know who are thriving have easier jobs and extra help (nanny or relatives).

I'm a solicitor working 50 hour weeks with a toddler and a half arsed DH, not useless enough to leave but not useful enough to make my life bearable. Currently in the middle of my fortnightly breakdown. If you saw me at work or out, you'd think I'm doing quite well as I can put on a good face. I'm not ok.

How do people manage it?
if they’re honest it’s a challenge for a lot of people, especially if they don’t have a lot of family support and especially for single parents and people who don’t have money to outsource things like cleaning etc…

we are 2 average earners, with 3 kids both working and I find the key to trying to keep on top of things is writing everything down on a calendar and trying to be a step ahead of the game.

things like we know when the Easter parade is at primary school so make sure the bonnets are made in advance and raffle prizes stashed in the cupboards ready. Red Nose Day, fish out the red clothes in advance and put them in a pile somewhere so you are rummaging round.

It’s hard work tho and draining! Another reason why 3 kids was my absolute max I take my hat off to people with anymore!

Prioritise.

1)Not everything needs done.

2)The things that need done don’t all need to be done by you.

3)Take care of yourself, if you collapse the wheels come off.

Not everything needs to be done. No one will die if the skirting boards are dusty. Clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, clean clothes, fairly healthy food. Those are the priority.

Can you play for a cleaner/gardener/diy people/etc etc Outsource what you can.

Prioritise your relationships: with your DH, with your DC, with your parents.

Get enough sleep, enough food, enough exercise. Nothing will be better if you get ill.

And finally, remember, it’s really really hard, but it doesn’t last for ever. Kids grow up fast.

💐💐💐💐💐

Similar hamster wheel of parenting here. Always teetering in the burnout zone.

We wanted to avoid this, so I am a sahm. I do all the cleaning and lots of the cooking and organising stuff during my husband's working hours, so weekends are for fun.

To make it work financially, we have a house smaller than most on MN would consider acceptable, we did the renovations ourselves (Googled to find out how to do things), so we have a small mortgage. We aim for a foreign holiday every five years or so, and one short UK break per year. No Netflix, takeaways, new clothes, expensive days out etc.
But we are stress free and happy, and have lots of fun and free time. We do walks, picnics, exploring, and other free stuff.

It depends what your priorities are. We value free time and are prepared to only do free/cheap activities and live in a small house. Other people want their kids to have a bedroom each, and value their lattes, holidays, and new cars on finance.

I'll get a part time job once the kids are at school, but there's no way I want the rushed lifestyle of two full time working parents, even if it meant we had more 'stuff'.

We have a cleaner. He is a favoured member of the family at this point!

I also take time to do basic care for myself even if it means neglecting things other people think I should be doing more (usually domestic related!).

Our kids do a small number of activities. One each plus church (and have instrument lessons at school). That’s it. I feel zero guilt. They are perfectly happy with a non pressured childhood.

I also have a husband who does 50% of the unpaid work.

But not feeling guilty is honestly half the solution. No one, literally no one is doing it all.

If you come to my house and it’s clean or tidy it’s highly likely someone else contributed significantly! I believe in being up front about this as I think most women keep it a guilty secret thus perpetuating a weird myth that women (and always it’s women) should be expected to work like men and clean like 1950s housewives. Madness!

You can't do it all.

The people who claim you can have part time/easy jobs and hire help somewhere.

All you can do is prioritise of you can't afford to outsource ( I can't)

My priority list is:

• Clean clothes and bodies
• Work
• Spending time together
• Surface-Level Housework (washing up, tidying, sweeping/vaccuming floors, cleaning kitchen surfaces and utensils, bathroom to stop it smelling)

All the rest gets done as and when I have the time or inclination. Or I spot clean if it's bad eg, the window and sill in the living room gets dirtier than the others so that get cleaned more than a whole-house window clean.

I dust maybe once every couple of months.

Clean upstairs about the same.

Can't remember the last time I did my skirtings.

Also, I don't put laundry away or iron. Nobody appreciates it or notices so I don't bother. Instead everyone has their own laundry basket. Washing gets washed, folded into relevant basket and taken upstairs by the owner. Sometimes it makes it into drawers, other times we live out the baskets 🤷🏼‍♀️ as long as we're clean who gives a shit.

It’s not possible
what does your partner do - assuming you have one

3 kids (1 ASD, 1 ADHD) and 2 full time working parents. Everything I do is mediocre. Would love to have my shit together. The reality is, wherever I am I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else. Working when I'm at home and dealing with life admin when I'm at work.
House is very 'lived in' - cleaner once a fortnight for kitchen, bathrooms and floors and I run a hoover about every couple of days. No time or money for decorating or home improvements. Food is more convenience based than I would prefer but we try our best.
Hardly any time for proper exercise but I try and walk a lot.
Personal grooming way down the list of priorities. I cut my own hair and wear practical clothing even though I love fashion but no idea what would suit me any more.
Sleep is very lacking - child with ASD wakes super early (even at 14) and child with ADHD likes to stay up until late, and I can't sleep unless the kids are all safely settled.
Had a breakdown last year a week before my 40th birthday, week after week of panic attacks for the first time in my life. Much better now but I can see it wouldn't take too much to be back in that place.
I have no answers, just lots of solidarity.

Get a cleaner. Batch cooking, freezer. Planning ahead for activities. Amazon Prime for last minute party gifts, forgotten groceries etc. I have a husband who more than pulls his weight around the house.

I don't really notice who has their nails done or not so I wouldn't worry about that.

I don’t. Have ASD and ADHD so get overwhelmed and burnt out very easily. I basically prioritise our DCs and work and everything else gets dropped.

We work full time with two children. We have a cleaner and an afterschool nanny. I don’t do hair and nails, as I’m not into that stuff, but I would have the time too if I was.

Would say I’m still on the cusp of burning out though! Don’t think it’s possible really unless you have a very easy WFH job.

I’d love to be able to have a cleaner but we can’t afford it. We literally have freeview telly no Netflix or anything fancy
no budget to do the house up a bit but it could with it
we both work full time but we have to as my partner earns too much for any help but one wage wouldn’t be enough for mortgage, bills and food etc
a lot of friends are in the same situation and the worry about mortgage rates and bills going up it’s hard and speaking of friends I find my mum friends really valuable. Having good friends makes a difference.

solidarity to everyone in the same boat and same situation x

I don't see anything for you in that list (other than maybe the spending time together part). When do you see friends, go to the gym etc? I think OP is trying to find where you find time for yourself in all this.

I think most people are capable of cleaning, cooking and working. It's the extra fun stuff there seems to be no time or energy for since I've become a mother and I find it quite depressing.

Cleaning standards drop. Its fine.

A decent husband who thinks to book school dinners, after schools, knows when school trips are and gets shit ready for them, remembers when PE day is, does the homework, sorts a few loads of washing etc, every bit as well as I do.

It’s not possible to have everything

We have no family or external help. So to make things easier:

• only have 1 child
• have lots storage but not much stuff. House is easier to clean.
• Both work 4 day week usually.
• Both work remotely and self employed. ( no commute time now leave both of us 2hrs extra a day for laundry/ nursery drop off/ garden/ shopping/ to sit and breathe)
• Ds doesn’t do every activity going.

You will get burn out of fail at something a lot of the time if you try and maintain everything alone.

we both work Mon-Thurs 8:00-16:30 and Fri 8:00-15:30. We both have flexi time too so we take it in turns to do drop off (dc goes to afterschool a few days a week), and I Wfh two days a week. People always tell me my house is spotless (not boasting but I agree). We don’t have a cleaner. We cook dinners from scratch most days. And I say we because we share a lot. I do most of the cooking but dh cleans and to the same standard as me. We are both naturally tidy people.
my top tips are-

1. Everything has a place and everything in its place! We always keep things organised.
2. Don’t keep excess, if it’s not being used or worn regularly enough then it’s gone!
3. keep to routine- I do my laundry every Saturday morning (yes from start to finish!) and my shopping on Saturday morning too. That way I have everything done.
4. cleaning happens as I go, if I’m washing my hands in the toilet I’ll wipe down the sink and mirror etc. I clean my skirting boards with foot (sock) as I’m walking past in the evening 🤣🤣🤣
5. meal plan for each week- that way there’s no “what’s for dinner ? decisions to make.
6. make sure the whole household is on the same page! My dh does cleaning too, (cleans the shower when he’s in there etc) sends the eufy off when he sees the floors need it! If he sees a mark on the door, you can be sure he’s wiping it off!
7. And this is one I think most people with dc aren’t willing to do for some reason- DONT fill up every evening with extra curricular activities. We have one evening that’s really busy!and another with one activity) and then we have matches on the weekends. For example one dc had a match this morning, I took them, dh stayed home with the other dc and completed the laundry. I did the shopping on the way home.

I go to yoga one evening a week and in nicer weather I’ll get a few walks in. Dh does a small workout at home 3-4 days a week.

edited to add- We can veer from routine of course when needed and we have a good social life even though we are quite introverted- last weekend we had two birthday dinners and a christening. This weekend is much quieter thank god!

I dunno in and around other things as and when they need doing. Eg I'll book a haircut when I need one. Saw friends this morning for brunch.

As others have said, you can't. Unless you're blessed with unusually high stamina, 2 parents in perfect health, family help etc.

For us, I've stayed part time longer than many - currently 4 days pw.

That gives us enough margin that we can get the kids to activities, get exercise ourselves, manage to cook reasonably healthily, and have a house that's under control (ish).

Kids are 10 and 12 now so pretty easy, the main workload is lots of ferrying around in the evenings.

Robot hoover helps a bit with keeping filth under control.

I think it is about standards and sharing out the workload.
DH and I both work full time. 3 DC, 10,12 & 16

house is often messy but we do try to tidy once a week, clean kitchen daily after cooking, bathroom when it needs it, but def weekly.

DH normally does the afterschool activities and whist I stay home to cook dinner, do laundry & iron uniforms.

i do get my hair done about every 3 months and my daughters and DH sorts his and my sons out.

we generally go as a couple to watch DH sports activities at weekends if they are matches, otherwise we take turns.

i feel we both share the workload recognising we are better at certain things. I like cooking, laundry, but hate hoovering and cleaning floor etc

we don’t go out much individually, and I really wish I could make more time for exercise but we do manage it all, and it is definitely easier now the children are older and you can leave them home alone while we do boring things like shopping. Our house is often messy but we do clean and tidy it weekly, but I don’t actually care during the week. Working full time gives us more income to have family holidays etc which we all like

Becoming a single parent reduced my workload considerably. I can see how a decent partner pulling his weight would be good but a man needing dinner every night adding to washing and cleaning and requiring attention was hit helpful.

depends on the age of the kids but delegate as much as you can. Mine load the dishwasher with their plates etc. if they finish a milk the rinse it and put in the recycling- if I go into the kitchen and there is stuff in the sides I call them to sort it and interrupt their play etc so they learnt eventually.

I clean the bathroom while I bath the toddler. We only have the one bathroom. Best thing about leaving my lovely big house when I split with ex was not having to clean multiple fucking bathrooms. Also with no adult male in the house the fucking hair all over the bathroom means it’s not a massive job. We just did a holiday with ex and fuck he’s like a shedding long haired dog or something I’d forgotten how bad it was!

batch cooking. I never just cook bolognese for one meal I will cook enough for 3-4 meals and freeze. Same for the mince in Shepard pie, noodle dishes and curry etc etc. I generally will only have rice/pasta/noodles/mash to cook and microwave something from the freezer. I used to do a big batch cook session at the weekend but find it’s a better use of time to just do extra when I do cook in the week. Slow cooker meals are also excellent and can be doubled to freeze a meal. I saw an influencer who makes ‘dump bags’ for the slow cooker too that she just grabs from the freezer and dumps in and turns it on. I will wipe sides and clean kitchen while I cook the rice/pasta/etc.

most of my cleaning happens in 10 minute bursts it doesnt feel like it’s taking a chunk of time at the weekend then.

I got a robot vacuum and mop. It’s not great but it’s good. I still have to clean under toddler food area myself but it does the rest.

I don’t sort toys anymore. All just dumped into a big tub. Kids are told to tidy up their stuff and if they don’t I dump in the tub or if they are getting bad at clearing up after themselves I have ‘toy time out’ for toys I e had to clear up after they ignored me asking a few times. Also rotate toys/keep out of reach so they don’t all come out at once. Being single I don’t really care if I don’t reset the living room at night either as no man to moan about the mess.

I only put the toddlers clothes away. The older kids are given a basket to put away. After not having football lit a couple times they learnt if clothes not in wash basket they won’t be washed. Sports kits/swim bags live in a kallax unit by the front door- saves it being put away all over the house and makes club days much easier.

I generally do a bit of garden work while we are out in the garden.

it’s basically do it as you go along not have set chunks of time and get the kids involved as much as possible. My struggle is admin I’m shit at that!!

I’m not sure that other people are burnt out and struggle to keep up with the demands of family life because they “prioritse lattes” such drivel. Completely undermines everything else you said.

if only I didn’t drink so many lattes