How do parents juggle work, children, housework and avoid burnout?

[Sunshine231]

How do people manage to keep a clean tidy house, work full time, have more than one child and have time to do activities with those kids and stay sane / not burn out? And also maintain their appearance, get their hair and nails done etc.? I have quite a high pressure job. I clean the house once a week but it’s just a surface level clean really. It takes 2 hours but I can still see things that need cleaning when I’m done (inside windows, skirting boards, doors, inside of the washing machine). And then all of our cupboards are just chaos and need sorting but I never seem to have time to do it. I feel guilty for not doing enough activities with the kids. My house just never looks properly clean and organised. I feel tired and overwhelmed all the time. I look a complete state. My makeup bag is just a mess of old makeup but I can’t find time to sort it. Haven’t had my hair or nails done for years. Am I missing something? How are other parents doing it all?

It's partly financial reasons - if we started living a more luxurious lifestyle I would have to get a job, which with children under 3 would be impossible (there is no local childcare available).
It's partly because I'm trying to do my bit for the environment and just reduce overconsumption where I can.
And it's partly for health reasons (the food and drink elements of spending anyway) - I really really want to live a long healthy life!

So I guess there is plenty of motivation there, so it's not that difficult to avoid the extra stuff.

I think as well that for me the "little treats" are sunny days, curling up under a blanket with the kids, swimming in the sea, etc. A takeaway tastes nice while I eat it, but the pleasure doesn't last.

I just think it’s very possible to have both tbh, but as you said childcare is an issue for you. We live in a coastal town and I take mine sea swimming most evenings from late April onwards. We love it. Curling up under a blanket happens most evenings. Each to their own I suppose, I just appreciate the freedom of choice earning brings me.

We paid for a cleaner every week
DH had a huge amount of flexibility with his job, I had a little
I have always happily turned down stuff I don’t want to do with zero guilt
Had children that had no behavioural issues
Shared the load

I have an unnaturally fast processing speed with information, one of my children is the same. Also huge amounts of energy and tend to attack situations.

We also ended up staying in a smaller house than we can afford as it was within a 5 minute walk of schools. It’s a lovely street where neighbours will do stuff for each other. No family within 250 miles.

@VivaciousCurrentBun just curious - what does an ‘unnaturally fast processing speed with information’ look like? Are you saying you read super fast?

It’s nice reading a modest approach to life than you get on social media or see in real life.

I work full time and put a huge amount of pressure on myself to give time, care and attention to my children, often at my own detriment. I
love walks with them, cuddling them before bed and talking about their day, taking them to their clubs, baking with them, helping with homework, having friends around etc. it does get hard for me to then finish my own work in the evening and keep on top of the house.

I do think the best thing you can give children is be present when with them. I like the choices working gives me, the purpose of my job and interacting with colleagues but everything comes at a price. And I’m mostly exhausted a lot of the time!

You can’t. Something has to give. For us, it’s the house - kitchen and bathroom are both clean but it’s not “visitor ready” at all times. Both work full time, DH does compressed hours - so longer days but has one day off a week with our 4 year old. I am in 5 days but work from home most of that and have far more flexibility with hours. We have a dog too. I would love a cleaner but can’t seem to find a good one so we muddle along.

I find it utterly impossible, OP. Burnout is my permanent state of mind. Life is just utterly shit.
The parents who can manage it are the ones who have helpful grandparents and/or money for help - cleaners, nannies, grocery delivery, takeaways, ready meals, meal kits, pre-prepared ingredients etc

I've stripped out things i dont need or want and focus on what we need now and in the future. So housework and gardening etc gets left if the children need me to take them to a club or spend time helping with homework. I don't care if my skirting boards are dusty or my pario is a bit weedy. I don't work long hours currently because my children need me present in their lives and I like to cook them decent food and be available for them. It helps that I have an OK paid job with some flexibility, but that is something I've worked towards. I dont get my hair and nails done, I drive a functioning car that is old but works.

In terms of treats and holidays I focus on what works for us and never do something just because other people are doing it. I never go into debt for Christmas or holidays. I make sure we have quiet, slow days to recharge and don't race about trying to keep up with what we "should" be doing.

As the children are getting older they won't need me physically here so much so I'm planning to increase my hours at work in the next year or so to start to plan for more adventurous holidays and things like driving lessons and uni.

How? I’ve not sat down in 18 years that’s how.

You’ve been on Instagram haven’t you

Following for ideas as I'm flying by the seat of my pants most days and I only work part time 😂

Ah c’mon stop catastrophising 😅🤣

Instagram is part of it yes. Certainly the cleaning stuff. A mum cleaning the inner workings of her washing machine with the caption “the place you didn’t even know you needed to clean”. And I’m here having NEVER cleaned my washing machine except a cursory wipe of the outside 🙈 but partly it was spending time with a couple of mums from school that got me wondering how they do it. However having chatted to my partner it’s clear they both work part time, one of them only works 2 days per week and has a cleaner. The other works 4 short days per week and both have hands on husbands with good salaries. So after seeing these comments, I understand that is how it’s done. And people working full time with a less hands on partner simply don’t do it without burnout

Not going to lie, we have a LOT of clutter. I need a few days at least to sort it out. And I would happily do nails at home but like you said that requires time as well. I just can’t seem to find the time (or energy) to do it. No matter what I’m doing I always feel I should be doing something else. If I’m out with the kids I feel guilty about the state of the house. If I’m cleaning or at work I feel bad for not being with the kids. The guilt and feeling of being a failure is never ending

I’ve got an adult DH who does half the work

I don’t bother with nails or cupboards.

He had a slightly better paid role last year but he was utterly miserable so it wasn’t worth it. I would rather have a less stressed partner than more money. But my dad was the “breadwinner” when I was growing up and he did significantly less housework / childcare than my mum as a result. My mum still worked full time but contributed significantly less financially therefore she did more at home. In our household I am the main earner, I pay about 70% of our household bills and I probably do 70% of the childcare / household responsibilities so I do take your point…

Money.

Yeah the guilt is real. I think a lot of us feel it too OP. Would it help to plan the week and segment it into housework or kid stuff? Then you don’t feel as guilty?

Could you afford a cleaner for maybe two hours just to clean bathrooms and kitchen. My friend did this and said it was a great help.