How do parents juggle work, children, housework and avoid burnout?

[Sunshine231]

How do people manage to keep a clean tidy house, work full time, have more than one child and have time to do activities with those kids and stay sane / not burn out? And also maintain their appearance, get their hair and nails done etc.? I have quite a high pressure job. I clean the house once a week but it’s just a surface level clean really. It takes 2 hours but I can still see things that need cleaning when I’m done (inside windows, skirting boards, doors, inside of the washing machine). And then all of our cupboards are just chaos and need sorting but I never seem to have time to do it. I feel guilty for not doing enough activities with the kids. My house just never looks properly clean and organised. I feel tired and overwhelmed all the time. I look a complete state. My makeup bag is just a mess of old makeup but I can’t find time to sort it. Haven’t had my hair or nails done for years. Am I missing something? How are other parents doing it all?

What worked for us was getting rid of all the shit and clutter.
I am brutal and my family joke if you stand still to long in our house I’ll take you to the tip.
Get rid of all unnecessary stuff from drawers, cupboards etc, this gives you room to put stuff away. Clean as you go so it doesn’t get to the stage where you can’t face it.
Sit down one night a week and make a list of your priorities for the week.
Get shopping delivered. I use Tesco and it costs about £7 a month but that means unlimited deliveries and it does save money, your buying what you need not what they are promoting in the shop.
I know this sounds a bit condescending but really this worked for us with 2 children with multiple activities a week but honestly once there is some order and routine it really does make things easier

Firstly, are you quite well in yourself, OP? There are all sorts of things that can creep up on you and make you feel terrible: menopause, low vit D, low iron, underactive thyroid....

Secondly - stop comparing yourself! Spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself and less with the other kind. If you're seeing it on social media, get off it.

Outsourcing what you can afford.

batch cooking .

say no more often to invites etc so yiu don’t get burned out

Just do the bare basics. Speaking from experience of raising 3 completely alone, all their childhood memories are of time spent together, always having food and clean clothes, and knowing they are safe and loved. Financially it was harsh but hone in what is really important.

I feel your pain OP. We both work FT, two kids and a fairly OK ish house. But not perfect by any means and no extra funds to outsource. Also - the people saying batch cook…..when do you have the time?!

I have constant guilt for various people and things. The only things I find help me/us:

house:

my DH is pretty useful and down help. But with obvious things (dishwasher, bins, grass cutting….); not life admin stuff like school money/events, play dates, childcare and club booking….

i try to clean as I go - wipe down the sinks and toilet when supervising youngest in shower; or giving the side a quick dust on my way out of the lounge.

everything has a place and we reduced clutter.

we have a tidy up time each day with kids. Sometimes I forget! But set a timer and they have to run round and grab their stuff.

lots of to do lists. Do it now approach. If you get an invoice - just pay it; get an email from school - add consent on app…

shopping delivered.

stay off insta etc and assume that everyone else is lying or has extra help!!!

glam up:
do you own nails - still takes time but much less as no travel and much cheaper (jus need the kit).

get a decent leave in conditioner for your hair - wash and the add this. No need to dry (depends on hair type)

decent moisturiser, spf tinted and bit of mascara.

loads of water and reduce sugar.

Get a cleaner and drop standards

This is for me as much as as anyone...but I saw a post about how women have proven they can do any job a man can.

And now we need to expect the men to do everything that women are expected to do.

Otherwise it's just exploiting women.

So do we expect men to be able to juggle earning/ making sure there's clean uniforms/ clean bathrooms etc etc. All the daily load that a lot of women (and some men) carry.

Or do we accept "help" from men.

Food for thought for me. And about how much high my/society's expectations are for me over dh. It's not really enough to earn 1 wage and help. No wonder you are struggling.

It's even the mental load of having to check if laundry is done. So now...everyone knows how to use the washing machine (my children are older than yours). It's their responsibility to check if there's something they need washed and put a load one. I still do a lot when I can...but they can also sort themselves and I don't worry about it (much).

It doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight

How old are the children? Not old enough to be left to play themselves while you both do the cleaning?

You say you've got 16 hours in the day, give eight for sleep, give three for fun stuff, so what's happening in the other five?

And you mentioned cleaning the inside of the washing machine unless you mean the rubber ring that doesn't need doing

The rubber ring only needs doing once a month or something it takes a minute!

@TiredBringTequila4442
Huge hugs. You are bloody wonderful.

I could have written this- I have no idea either. It’s horrific!
my house is a disaster zone
im a disaster zone personally
marriage is a disaster zone
But the kids are great!

Well yes, it is hard. But it's also not a secret that it is hard so we have made choices to keep our life peaceful and not stressful. Having one child is probably the biggest decision but also both have flexible jobs and not hugely high standards when it comes to housework.

I’m a widowed mother to two teenagers working full time and caring for my elderly mom. Honestly I never stop, sometimes I think I subconsciously want it this way as I can’t bear to sit with myself and relax

Got divorced, work part time and claim UC, child maintenance, spousal maintenance, child benefits.

WFH once a week to help give more time to get chores done. Priorities the kids school (booking on parents evening, trips, clubs) and work around them.

A lot are near burnout
Stay up late for tidy/cleaning
Take half days for hair and big cleaning tasks
Minimise appointments
Regular quick trip to shops not big weekly ones
Boundaries if it not done by X it won't be done
Ask people for help with kids lifts ( friends close by will you bring/collect Tuesday football I'll do Thursday...)

@GardenCovent this is where I aim to be! Systems and boring as fuck routines.

Getting husband on board is challenging but I think it will be revolutionary for our domestic life.

@EvolvedAlready I work 4 days too but childcare on that day. I'm going his days in his preschool year so that my non working day looks like this.

Although, I remember from maternity leave, the hours between 9 - 3 are the fastest....

Single parent to young DC. This (midnight) is my me time...I'll be up again with them shortly. It's a constant juggle, I've just talked myself into doing the last of the dishes and setting up a small Easter treat/activity table. But we watched a easter Bluey after naptime and it was an elaborate egg hunt and well....now I feel like I didn't do enough...

I'll do globle in a minute, it's my treat to myself that's not mum life related.

Nothing gets ironed. Nothing gets bought that needs ironing.

I have a small rotation of clothes that I know fit me and fit my life stage, everything goes with each other, and I lay it out the night before (over door hooks). The kitchen gets a nightly wipe down. Deep cleaning just doesn't happen aside from the bathroom. I have a weekly shop of basics that is preprogrammed to load itself into my trolley and I budget for that but I am tempted by the Tesco thing up thread. My DC have grey socks. I.am.not.pairing.tiny.socks. I know they are cute but I'm not doing it at midnight or ever.

I’m a single parent with 2 kids (older now). I think it’s easier not having a man adding to the workload and feeling resentful about them not pulling their weight. Plus I get time to myself when they are with their dad to recharge my batteries, socialise, exercise etc.

We both wfh mostly so can do stuff around work. We also only have 1 child. We take turns at the weekend to do our own things, for example hair cuts. But it is hard

1. CLEANER this is non negotiable
2. flexible employer so you can WFH 1/2 days and have time to drop off/ take to clubs
3. choose which bits of self care matter for me hair. I ditched nails and other. I work from hairdresser every 4-6 weeks block time out and take my laptop and catch up on non meeting/ non call work.
4. lots of easy meals eg jacket potatoes I’d put in oven on timer come back and done. Make a meal on a Sunday night
5. always had Sunday roast together

I find little and often is the key. When I follow this rule, everything runs more smoothly. I do get some weeks where I’m too tired to do anything and it falls apart.
Washing every day, cleaning up straight after tea, hoovering through the week, quick clean in bathroom before my shower.
My children have a lot of activities and I find washing uniform/kits as soon as they come in the best way to keep on top of them.
I look ahead to what’s coming up so parties, events at school, donations for school raffles etc and try to get organised so it’s not a rush.
I need to do more for myself but it’s so hard!

It isn't easy. We're at the easiest stage now because my kids are older and independent. I can go to the gym for a couple of hours every day. My saving grace is my flexible wfh job. I am able to get some home chores and meal prep done in my breaks and I average 1x beauty appt per week that I go to in my lunchbreak (hair, nails, wax).
My DH is hands on at home but his shift pattern means that he's not home much so I have a lot on my shoulders. Commuting and working in an office for 8hrs a day completely zapped my time and energy, something has to give.

Honestly OP, I always knew I would not enjoy feeling rushed and stressed trying to do my best at all of these things, so I decided to quit teaching when I had my eldest and be a SAHM. It is working really well for me and our family. We decided to stay in our first home, which is smaller than the majority of our friends, but I have time to keep it consistently clean, tidy and organised, together with gardening, which is important to me. I feel much calmer and happier in a tidy environment and really value organisation and life running calmly and smoothly day to day.

I also like having time to be involved with my children’s school, have their friends round regularly, ensure they have everything they need for school, and planning out their school holidays. I’ve got to know everyone really well there and value that sense of community.

If I were in your position, I would not hesitate to outsource cleaning, if you could afford to. Even some regular deep cleans if that would help you feel less overwhelmed.

In terms of children’s activities, try not to worry too much. Mine actually do less than some of my friends who both work, they do 2 paid weekly extras each, but I don’t want them doing more despite being able to afford more, as their school is very structured. I feel they benefit from some unstructured downtime after school/we like one day at the weekend free for family time/spontaneous plans/not having to be somewhere at a set time. Space to breathe. It is more than OK to set limits, say ‘no, actually I don’t want to do this.’

Wishing you well and for some time to relax.

You are most definitely not alone. My house gets a very basic surface level clean but most of the time there’s a pile of washing and dusty skirting boards, windows, oven etc go many months before they get cleaned. I may only work 8 hours a day but generally speaking I’m busy between 6:30am-9pm during the week. Weekends are spent shopping, ferrying children to various activities and visiting relatives. There’s not enough time to do it all, so the house takes the hit. We clean just well enough to make sure no one gets ill but not enough that I’m not not super embarrassed if we get unexpected guests 😂

@Sunshine231
You forgot going to add finding 5-10hrs (exer cise +travel + showering) to go to the gym so your body is acceptable to others / for your own health / sanity