Low effort parents

[raisinglittlepeople12]

Hi all,

Does anyone else have low effort parents?

My parents have always been quite low effort, rarely making contact and almost never arranging to see me.

I recently had a baby and in 3 months they’ve only visited twice, and they rarely check in. They live about 30 minutes away and drive in my area regularly.

I know there’s a lot of talk on Mumsnet of grandparents these days not really making an effort, and there’s plenty who think that’s ok, but it can be hurtful.

I didn’t really expect anything else but does anyone else have a similar experience?

Yeah but It doesn't bother me life is busy and exhausting and I'm just as bad at not visiting as much as I should

Sounds like how they have always been

you got the short straw when it comes to parents and sadly that’s not going to change

We are now NC with PIL but they were exactly the same. Never really bothered with my husband even when he still lived with them so once he moved out it was even less, he really tried to keep in touch, regularly invited them round and offered to go to them but there was always either an excuse or it was ignored. When we had our first child he really hoped that would be the catalyst for change but they were similar to your parents, visited once in the first few months and then saw her a grand total of 3 times the first year of her life.

We had our second child last year and they’ve never met him, never even acknowledged he exists, haven’t spoken to them at all since then.

Accept people as they are and they can never disappoint you.

I wonder if they even realise you’re not in contact with them?

Wow, that’s so blunt!

But it’s the truth

it’s crap fur the op
but it’s been crap for this op I suspect from the word go

i wouldn’t want them around my children… they don’t deserve them

Sorry to hear this OP. How does it make you feel? I can understand hurt, upset, disappointed?

Have you ever tried raising it with them? I wonder if they know how you feel?

My DH’s parents are similar. They are low effort. His mum lives 20 mins away but we barely see her. She makes no effort to arrange to see us. I find it hurtful.

It’s not really modelling good behaviours for the grand children is it.

to be honest, I think there’s absolutely no excuse for it. I often ask DH why his mum bothered to have children - she has absolutely no interest in them !

Yes. And, just wait until they get old. Despite having made zero effort with you, they will expect you to make 100% effort for them. And will totally rewrite your childhood and seemingly, actually believe that you grew up in the Waltons. Blows my mind.

What isn’t modelling good behaviour? The fact that I wouldn’t wan disinterested grandparents around my children?

That is shit OP . I cannot imagine not seeing my grandchildren regularly. The longest was for three weeks when I went to Australia. I absolutely couldn’t wait to get back and see them .
Do they work? Do you invite them over to see you?

Noo not yoi, I was agreeing with you - I meant the grandparents aren’t modelling very good behaviour to the grandchildren.

What do you expect from them?

you had a kid… in all honesty it’s nothing special in the world…

do you feel you deserve special treatment? How often did you see then pre child?

do they still work? They could just be busy as know your amazing being a parent so they think they don’t need to butt in all the time.

Meee! I’m trying to see the positives in all this especially as no one is getting any younger. I will be providing zero old age parent care and when asked will remind them how l have had zero support or input for decades e.g. l don’t think my mum has ever even changed a nappy for either of my children, never mind babysat 🤣. They struggle to recognise her in a line up. Its safe to say my mum won’t like this course of action and will do lots of re-writing of history

I think rarely checking in or visiting a child with a newborn baby is really, really poor.

Well my parents and indeed in laws and sisters brothers etc must have been proper nasty people…

OR…. They had there own lives to lead but would be there if needed.

why do they need to visit or check in lots? Unless they don’t trust the new parents?

its nice to have support for sure but also many people don’t like the constant visiting or contact

Why does that mean they’re not trusting?

I personally think it shows a lack of consideration and support.

Can't get my head round this, I literally can't wait until my children have children, will be interested in every last thing about them.

As in they don’t trust they are looking after kid as they should

what support do then need etc? Let the new parents be parents, we all learnt on the job so to speak.

PIL were like this. To the point dd2 asked aged about 8 “are they still our grandparents?”.

Now dds late teens pils are baffled as to why they have such a cold distant relationship whilst the girls adore my parents. Well you reap what you sow.

You sound very cold and distant………

Let's be real a lot of our parents' generation had kids because they pre-dated a world in which you could freely choose not to.

That aside I dont think they owe me anything as an adult really.

Not at all. Why did you decide to say that?

for cold and distant, that would be my child’s egg donor 👍

Yeah, but they tell me they’re high effort and really want to be involved and to help me. But then they just cancel any time I try to make plans with them.

I guess it comes down to expectations and belief systems — I personally think checking in regularly to see how things are going (especially if first child) how baby is doing, any health concerns, sleep routines etc. doesn’t need to be daily but at least every few days. Offering to pop round. Do anything to help.

guess it comes down to how close you are with your family members