DH doesn’t get along with own 7yo son (my DSS) what to do??

[Rara12]

Seeing if anyone has any suggestions, DH is not getting along with his 7yo son (stepson to me). He is fine with our 2yo son.

He says he just doesn’t understand him/like his personality/ he reminds him of his ex who he doesn’t like very much (though they’re civil).

As background, DH initiated split from DSS mum when DSS a small toddler due to personality differences/borderline emotional abuse from DSS mum. DSS has been living 50/50 with both parents since then. I have been involved in DSS life since he was 4.

He is very involved as a father, does lots of 1 on 1 activities with him (Or combined activities with our 2yo), is involved with housework, always is the one putting DSS to bed after reading to him, does school picks ups, takes him to his extracurriculars etc.

But he finds his personality difficult to get along with, I used to say “oh he’s just 4/5/6 he’ll grow out of it” but it’s getting worse as he gets older and it’s becoming clear that it’s personality traits rather than “just being a kid”. It also is not helping that our 2yo has a personality much closer to my husband’s and they get along much better, despite 2yo being a typical 2yo.

Examples: DH finds DSS manipulative, as in, when asked to do a simple task, asking if he can have something in return. Asking incessantly for something he wants. Not listening to basic instructions and having to repeat the same thing over each day. Not able to do anything independently (seemingly) - constantly wanting attention, following DH around dragging his feet, sulking (DSS, not DH). Things that DH finds very annoying like - being a very picky eater, having poor posture, doing baby talk, not having any initiative, not seeming to think things through, talking a lot of nonsense.

These are just personality traits and not suggesting anything wrong with DSS, probably many 7yos are the same . DH seems particularly annoyed as many of these traits remind him of ex.

I find DSS annoying too, but I’m able to not show it much better than DH and not let it get to me as much. To his credit, DSS is very compliant, I find him generally easy to deal with, he can be very sweet.

What to do? How can I help DH get along with him better?? I want them to have a good relationship and don’t want DH to be so stressed when DSS is with us.

This is really upsetting to read. You are both bloody awful tbh. Such a shame he had another child when he’s a shit father.

There’s also the fact that 7 year old (a small child imv) appears like a big argumentative hulk compared to a little 2 year - also can be why the baby of the family gets more attention

tbh the issue here is that you are here trying to help him be a better dad but dh is not trying to see how he can be a better dad himself. Let’s assume he is and you’ve just not mentioned it here, from what you’ve said the kids witnessed abuse, is being raised half the time with someone who is apparently manipulative at best and emotionally abusive at worst, of course he’s going to mirror that.
he now goes between houses, has at least one new sibling to share his parents with, and that sibling gets to just live in one house with both their parents. And on top of that he will obviously be able to feel how your dh feels about him, Of course he’s attention seeking, he’s looking for reassurance.

I also don’t think things like attention seeking and asking for things a lot or the other things you’ve mentioned are personality traits. I think the kids a product of his environment, by saying it’s just his personality it allows dh to distance himself from the issue and not feel as guilty about liking the younger child more.

people are making a lot of presumptions on this thread. So I will make some ~ I am going to presume that while DH feels this way he doesn’t let it show and is a good dad who is struggling with his feelings towards his child. I think that lots of parents love all their children but interact differently depending on their personality’s. I have 3 children and one is just more annoying to me than the others . I love them all the same. I definitely don’t let annoyance it show and in fact probably over compensate sometimes . It happens that the child who I find more annoying looks like and behaves like horrible ex ( I don’t mean child is horrid I mean lots of inherited looks and habits and gestures) . I am fairly sure that how I feel about this child is subconsciously connected to how I feel about ex.

your dh probably needs some therapy to talk his feelings through and this will help him to manage them and understand them.

My god, you both treat your YOUNG CHILDREN like bloody housemates! How on earth can an adult resent a 7yr old’s personality when they haven’t even formed who they are yet?!?! And your comment about your DH getting along better with the 2 year old’s personality better, took my breath away WTF?!!

The OP says she is better able than her DH not to let her annoyance show. One presumes then that his annoyance shows, at least to some extent.

DH needs a kick up the arse, sorry. Everyone finds their 7 year old annoying. You have to love bomb them to convince them and yourself that you love them and that has the double effect of making the irritating behaviour lessen (usually) and reminding you that loving someone is nicer than constantly letting them grate at you.

If he is a good man and a good dad as you say he is, he needs to do this even if he doesn't feel like it, because he is damaging his son who (to quote my 15 yr old) didn't ask to be born. Your problem is how to communicate this to him. As you can tell I would not do it very sympathetically. He needs to be the adult.

Lol, of course he let's it show. He clearly voices his dislike to the OP too, given that she's the one that wrote this thread not

An alternative explanation for a this is that this is (yet another) man who wants to do as little parenting as possible but whose dislike for his ex is so great that he opted for 50:50 rather than pay maintenance. He's got the OP to parent child 2 but resents being stuck with child 1. Im sure child 1 realises this.

Thank you all for your replies. Lots of food for thought and things we can try to work on, and things I can pass on to DH.

Interestingly before reading the replies DH initiated another chat to me about this and said he thought he needed more 1 on 1 time with him, which I agree with. And yes, DH feels upset/embarassed that he feels like this and realises it needs to change.

I think viewing as it as behaviour rather than personality helps. And of course also remembering that DSS likely struggles on some level with changing the households, different rules and expectations etc. There is definitely an element of personality but we should ignore that I think, and look at it purely as behaviour. And also I think all
personality traits usually have a negative/positive aspect Eg what DSS lacks in independence/initiative he is instead very affectionate and empathetic.

And yes, if DH cant get a handle on it then next step would be therapy, good suggestion.

Also for those making assumptions - DH does pay maintenance, I have met ex (we see each other pretty regularly, sometimes we all attend events or meals together for DSS sake) and can see the issues he speaks of, they do communicate about DSS in both homes and she is really struggling with his behaviour at the moment, she admits to resorting to physical “discipline” with him (which we never do) and he is noticeably different in her presence - very rude to her in ways he is not with us , if DH sees this he pulls him up on it.

All this of course when I write it down is even more reason that DSS would be disoriented with going between households :( Living with one parent isn’t really an option - his mum wouldn’t want him FT and although DH and I would love to have him FT, he would miss his mum and at 7yo also has a strong sense of “fairness” and wouldn’t be happy with that.

Anyway thank you again and will have another chat to DH and hopefully we can make some changes to help us/him deal with things better!

You sound like a loving step-parent. Wishing you all the best. I really hope your husband falls in love with his son.

At 7 years old this is a DH issue. It could very well be because he sees him as his ex's child or has issues with her. This needs to be nipped in the bud for your kids sake. I would have a chat to him, remind him that it's not the 7 year olds fault and of the importance of the 2 kids having a steady father in their lives and that they're treated the same. And remind him that his relationship with his son and you and your 2 year old goes beyond his experience with his ex

I'm confused.

You say in the OP it's about 'personality traits,' but then describe things that are definitely not personality traits.

Then you repeat that 'There is definitely an element of personality'.

Ok, maybe there's something not coming across here. But why do you and your DH feel so sure this is about personality? It just feels like your DH's excuse for finding his son hard.

I think most people find their own children difficult at times, especially when a child has had a rough time and needs a bit of extra support. But I think it's really unhelpful to frame this as an issue of personalities.

A personality trait would be something like consistently preferring to play with one friend rather than in a group, or loving crafting but hating rough-and-tumble play, or something like that. It's not 'poor posture' or dragging your feet!

Fantastic MN advise, as per usual. Split up two families over an issue that can be fixed fairly easily.