DH doesn’t get along with own 7yo son (my DSS) what to do??

[Rara12]

Seeing if anyone has any suggestions, DH is not getting along with his 7yo son (stepson to me). He is fine with our 2yo son.

He says he just doesn’t understand him/like his personality/ he reminds him of his ex who he doesn’t like very much (though they’re civil).

As background, DH initiated split from DSS mum when DSS a small toddler due to personality differences/borderline emotional abuse from DSS mum. DSS has been living 50/50 with both parents since then. I have been involved in DSS life since he was 4.

He is very involved as a father, does lots of 1 on 1 activities with him (Or combined activities with our 2yo), is involved with housework, always is the one putting DSS to bed after reading to him, does school picks ups, takes him to his extracurriculars etc.

But he finds his personality difficult to get along with, I used to say “oh he’s just 4/5/6 he’ll grow out of it” but it’s getting worse as he gets older and it’s becoming clear that it’s personality traits rather than “just being a kid”. It also is not helping that our 2yo has a personality much closer to my husband’s and they get along much better, despite 2yo being a typical 2yo.

Examples: DH finds DSS manipulative, as in, when asked to do a simple task, asking if he can have something in return. Asking incessantly for something he wants. Not listening to basic instructions and having to repeat the same thing over each day. Not able to do anything independently (seemingly) - constantly wanting attention, following DH around dragging his feet, sulking (DSS, not DH). Things that DH finds very annoying like - being a very picky eater, having poor posture, doing baby talk, not having any initiative, not seeming to think things through, talking a lot of nonsense.

These are just personality traits and not suggesting anything wrong with DSS, probably many 7yos are the same . DH seems particularly annoyed as many of these traits remind him of ex.

I find DSS annoying too, but I’m able to not show it much better than DH and not let it get to me as much. To his credit, DSS is very compliant, I find him generally easy to deal with, he can be very sweet.

What to do? How can I help DH get along with him better?? I want them to have a good relationship and don’t want DH to be so stressed when DSS is with us.

Not every child can cope with two different households, particularly at that age.

Hang on FairKoala, the parents split when the child was two. Two years before OP came into his life at four.

Insecure child.
Possible dyspraxia, though probably just being 7.

It doesn’t sound like what you have described makes dss have traits likehis mum. It sounds behavioural and attention seeking. This child will 100% know how his dad and you feel about him being annoying. Be careful op because your 2 year old may possibly be labelled the same way when he isn’t little and cute. As a separated parent I would want to know that my child is unhappy at his dads and maybe the routine you have needs adjusting. He is young and his dad is living with another child while he goes between 2 houses, does the same happen at mums house. I would be wary that your husband may not have told you the right version of his last relationship.

A lot of those things are quite typical in 7 years old though and yes, it can be annoying at times. Poor posture? Lacking in initiative? His expectations of a 7 year old child are completely off.

So what happens when your 2 year old grows up and his real personality emerges and his father doesn’t like that one? Seems he only likes his children if they are, and behave, how he wants and expects them to be. He’s shown he can treat his child like this what makes you think your child will be exempt from it

He's 7. My 7 year old does all of those behaviours and more. My 7 year old has ADHD and it can be hard at times but they are 7. Your DH made choices. He chose to have a baby with his ex with all of her perceived personality flaws. DSS didn't chose to be born. DSS didn't make any choices he's a product of his parents and their parenting. Poor boy. I actually feel incredibly sad for him. His dad doesn't like him and that must be soul destroying.

@lottiegarbanzo said it.

Those are attention-seeking behaviours because he’s unhappy / insecure in his relationship with his father. He can sense the dislike and is reacting to it.

Talking from personal experience, your DH would definitely see a change if he managed his dislike better, worked on encouraging better behaviour in DSS and lavish him with genuine consistent affection.
Just like pp have said already, really.

So sad for DSS.

Your dh is very nasty and you should be concerned for your son too. The bit about liking ds2 because he’s more like him is worrying and being too alike can be the cause of conflict later.

While I understand that one child can be easier to parent than another, his hatred of his ex is causing a lot of the problems- behaviour does not equal personality for starters!!

As someone on the outside it sounds like ds1 is jealous of ds2 and thinks that the bag talk and not being able to do stuff will lead to more attention and kids like attention, even the negative (my guess is ds2 knows it annoys dad) . Ds2 lives with dad full time, another reason for ds1 to be jealous.

Where is the compassion from dad? His oldest screams insecure about his place in the family and I would guess that ds1 knows that dad prefers ds2.

Poor posture should be a concern for the child not an assumption that it's bad behaviour. I would suggest getting an OT and physiotherapy assessment. Picky eating could indicate sensory issues. Wanting something in return for doing chores could be how his Mum parents him, also not his fault, or could be that he finds motivation difficult.

What I would recommend for your DH is actively finding things he likes about his son and things to praise him for. Perhaps he's a kind brother, or curious, or doing well at school? When my youngest went through a challenging phase as a toddler I would remind myself how helpful he was and how lucky I was to have him. I think you can change how you feel about a child and then that in itself can change the atmosphere and make everything feel easier and less tense.

Also worth picking your battles. With my picky eater I never wanted mealtimes to be a battle so I always served something I knew she would eat alongside our meal, even if it meant cooking an extra tray of nuggets and chips. She was later diagnosed with Autism and she's still quite picky as a teenager but definitely branching out and trying new things.

Well you husband is a vile one isn’t he, his child is 7, all this behaviour is pretty typical. But seriously wtf is wrong with the pair of you, calling in annoying because he needs attention and you don’t like his posture, talk about a pair who should have any children!

I feel for this poor child, he's having to navigate being shuffled between two very different parents one of whom is manipulative and the other who doesn't like him much. Plus a new brother. DH should spend lots of one time and make the effort to be positive and get to know and value DSS for who he is.
You do seem like a caring step mum and hw's lucky you're there.

DSS has two families with different expectations. He probably does things from your home that annoy his Mother at hers.
Model the behaviour that you want to see.

Don’t compare the ‘personalities’ of your two year old who is growing up in one home with both parents to your dss who has to adapt depending on the day of the week.

Poor posture? that was enough to think your DH is a twat.
He is 7, shuttled between 2 homes and no doubt knows his dad tolerates him.
Shameful behaviour from your DH.

Agree. I don’t think some of these traits are just behaviour. I mean, I don’t think things through always and I have ADHD. Picky eating can be a sign of neurodiversity. But equally, I would not rush to assessment without DH working on his attitude.

but before I read this comment, what I was going to say (to OP) is that your DH had a child with his son’s mother and clearly stayed long enough to do this. How often is DSS with you? Does DH even bother talking to DSS’s mum about his concerns?

Poor child. I’m amazed that two adults can be so lacking in insight and empathy that they can’t recognise that a child’s behaviour is a) completely age appropriate (he’s a very little boy still - really take a hard look at your list of criticisms) and b) basically attention-seeking (understandably, as he’s shuttling between two halves of a broken home and has now been displaced by a younger, ‘better’ golden child).

Seven year olds can be annoying - children of any age can be - but to write him off as having a difficult personality that’s incompatible with your DH’s is batshit. The poor kid needs unconditional love, lots of one-on-one time and positive attention, and to stop being viewed by your husband as an unwelcome reminder of an unhappy relationship. Your DH’s projections are at fault here - he has low expectations of his son’s behaviour because he views him as a physical extension of his ex, and uses that mindset to judge every interaction and reinforce his own prejudices. And that’ll come through in his treatment of his son, no matter how diligently he ferries him to clubs and fulfills his dad duties.

One thing’s for certain, if your DH doesn’t take steps to address this now, the whole ‘we’re incompatible and don’t get along’ thing will become a self-fulfilling prophecy as his son gets older, and that failure will be totally on your DH, not his child.

How does he feel about this?

Is he ashamed that he's feeling like this and showing his feelings? Or just frustrated with his 7yr old??

Because how he is about this would influence our answers and what we'd advise you to do too.

Off the top of my head he sounds very normal for a 7 year old with two homes and a new sibling. 🤷 I feel quite sad for him that his dad isn't keen on him and shows his frustrations towards him. 😔

So I was thinking about this some more, about working on making your child not feel like the other is the favourite...

My two are a similar-ish age to your two (5.5 and 2) and something that works for me is telling myself they're both my favourite, and if I'm with just one of them, I think "oh goody, I get to spend a day with my favourite child" (regardless of which child it is). I can't explain it any better but it stops me from comparing.

For example, if I'm with the older one, I get to do fun stuff like clip n climb (I LOVE clip n climb), go on epic cycling adventures until we have to consult google maps to find our way back, go to the pick your own farm all day, or staying at home and batch cooking all afternoon while putting the world to rights, and I make sure to say "it's so fun having 1-1 time with you and we can do all this stuff that your baby bro can't do yet"

If I'm with the younger one, I take him to a soft play or the park and he gets so much joy out of walking along a low wall or seeing a ladybird. And I make sure to say how easy it is to have a lovely time with him, and it's true.

You've got a 7yo. There is so so much fun stuff you (I mean specifically, his Dad) can do with him that a 2yo can't do. Like zip wires.

I'm not sure I've even noticed my dd's posture, we're too busy doing fun stuff!

Anyone else wondering if as your DS grows up and being like his father, he will cut his own father off because he is too slow, or has poor posture or wants help

The things you describe are just normal kid things (wait, til your 2 year old is 7, or god, wait til 13, it does not get better 😳). And a few of them are just parenting issues. He needs to parent for the child he wants. I mean, 7 year old don’t have a lot of initiative or forward planning, but if he values that, he needs to model it and parent appropriately. Poor kid. If he doesn’t like his own child (again, he’s gonna be in for a shock with both of them because it really only gets worse 😂), then why not give up 50/50, pay his child maintenance and let his son be in a more secure and nurturing home with his mum who probably doesn’t dislike him.

So what you're saying is that your dh is bored of his old family and would like permission to focus on his new one. You should give it to him just be very careful that he never gets bored of you

It sounds slightly like your DH is projecting his dislike of his exs behaviour and making them seem like it's his personality rather then being very very typical behaviours for a 7 year old.

My DS is the same age and he 100% does most of what you list. But it comes down to parenting and non pressure exposure for the food keep 1 safe food put regular exposure to other things on the plate if they say yuck etc just say that's fine you don't need to eat it today. Eventually they pick it up and smell also fine it's about exposure.

We use the phrase since when did whining get you what you want - that usually stops that one pretty quickly after a few repeats.
In terms of repeated asking - give him a chores chart for pocket money. We have some simple daily things - getting dressed without repeated requests, making bed etc and then some weekly chores too like put away clothes.
Then simply state for bigger things you can save up yourself.

None of those sound like personality traits but more typical developmental stages of a 7 yo child with attachment difficulties. He's a young child that gets shipped between two living spaces with probably two sets of rules and expectations. I think both yourself and DH should look at family counselling as obviously you need to work on your empathy.

But those don't sound like personality traits.

Did the ex lack common sense? Did she talk nonsense? Did she want something in return if she did something? Did she pretend to be childlike? I'm struggling to understand how these behaviours mimic the personality of a woman. However if these are the 'traits' that annoyed your DH about his ex, they seem very subjective and to be coming from a place of contempt and superiority on his part. That would bother me more. If your DH is embittered with hatred towards a child and is not hiding it very well, you can expect a clingy insecure child.

Following him around, pretending to be younger, huffing, lacking in initiative - these could all be typical behaviour for a 7 year old or for a 7 year old who feels a deep sense of shame about their identity and is seeking reassurance and connection.

I would be having a very serious talk with DH about the damage he could do here.

If your toddler is blessed with a more easy going and charismatic temperament, you can be sure that DSS is fully aware that he doesn't match up and it's important to remember that the older child will have their own strengths to compensate.

Ah, all the perfect parents on this thread! 😂

Firstly, I’m no expert but what you’ve described sounds way more like behaviour than ‘personality’. Those are probably behaviours he’s learned work with his mum so at 7, of course he’s going to try them with his dad. As it sounds as though your DH had a rough relationship with his ex, the best thing he can do now for his son is proactively train him out of those behaviours. Not saying it’s easy (especially if son returns home to mum where things like that are ok!) but he needs to develop ways to develop new boundaries, for example, ‘if I’ve said no and you ask repeatedly for the same thing, I’m not going to say yes’. Or if he struggles to do things independently, set a timer and a reward - ‘if you put your shoes and coat on in the next 5 minutes when the timer is up, we’ll have ice cream later’.

Some of these behaviours might feel like they’re ‘hard wired’ but it doesn’t sound like they’re are - it’s presumably the outworkings of a child living between 2 homes and one who’s found a smart way of getting what he wants.

Your DH might benefit from therapy and also help to reframe his attitude to his son - it’s not his son he doesn’t like, it’s some of his behaviour. Massive difference.