Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

I don't think it would be preferable for anyone in my family if I was at home full time and bitter and resentful about it.

And I think that is probably spot on. We should all do what works for us and our families.

But it equally doesn't mean you are somehow more cerebral or sophisticated that you don't like fielding it. I know plenty of very highly qualified, highly intelligent women who manage to sah when they have dc.

we are allowed to have different interests and needs even after becoming mothers. Some people find baby sensory classes 7th circle of hell but others must actually enjoy them, otherwise they wouldn't exist.

How do you know someone has a genius level IQ? Don't worry, they always make sure to tell you lol

We've all got genius level IQ on MN @Piglet89 - 'specially our dc!

@calliopespa- I don’t think my child has, but he will do far better than I have in life because of his super charming personality!

“Do your woman’s work” is actually precisely one of the reasons I would never be a SAHM.

Raising children, household responsibilities of any kind, they’re not just a woman’s work.

Whilst I appreciate that in 2026 it’s a woman’s choice, choosing to make the home your work, IMO just facilitates the idea that that’s where we belong.

I don’t actually tell anyone this (although it is true) but it’s one possible reason I find little kids so boring.

Suspect I am also neurodivergent, tho not yet diagnosed.

I'm staring retirement in the face so well past that stage now, but I'm so glad I stuck at it and carried on working. I worked p/t for many years when our first DC was born which was the best option imo, as it allowed me time at home with the DC but also gave me my own income and pension, interests and challenges outside of children and the home, and the opportunity to move up the ladder and between jobs far more easily. It also meant that if DH had fallen ill or been made redundant we'd still have had money coming in, or if we had divorced I would have been independent and able to put food on my own table. I've been working f/t for a long time now, so our retirement is now looking v healthy thanks to 2 decent f/t salaries.

A) Some people find it boring.
B) Some people don't.

C) Some people are very intelligent.
D) Some people aren't.

I think what's annoying is the implication that if you're in group C you're automatically also in group A, and if you're in group B you're probably also in group D. My experience is that this is not the case- there are plenty of highly intelligent women who enjoy spending time with their babies and plenty of thickos who don't. Horses for courses.

You've have just told us all to try and get a one up on all the SAHMs, who must surely not be as intelligent as you though...

Totally disagree with this.
Indefinitely don’t consider all things child and home to my responsibility, nor does my DH.

Why would it be unfair for my DH to come home and do a reasonable contribution to the home he lives in and his children? What? Why would it be reasonable for him to work 9-5:30 and me to be pretty much on call 24/7?
“surely that’s the point of one of you not working?”
No, the point of me not working is to care for my children, not to be my husband’s slave and skivvy.

Ofc it’s not necessary but I know if we’re both working then the evenings are more stressed, the meals are quicker, perhaps less tasty, or healthy or they cost more money for convenience. And the house though not awful, isn’t as tidy. We have to pay for convenience things like food deliveries, and the evenings with children are less about quality time together and more about getting through chores. Dh works from home so we can also have a lunch date and spend time together, since we struggle for childcare other times, and I get some time to myself too which I would struggle for otherwise. So it’s certainly not needed, but there’s a better balance. I just mention it because there always seems to be the idea of it’s possible to do it in less time, or sahp must be sitting around a lot of the time and that isn’t my experience from the periods when I have done it.

🤦‍♀️

The emotional intelligence is severely lacking though.
“Genius level IQ” but absolutely zero awareness or ability to translate that to the real world.

Yup.

Many of the women I know who sah were highly qualified graduates from top universities.

In truth, because they are the ones who earned enough early in their careers to take the time out, and who have the confidence to get back in again having done so.

And they are the ones who want to ensure their own dc get a similar trajectory.

Of course, not every woman is in that position, but it does rather put paid to the whole "only the disempowered losers sah" narrative that gets trotted out.

Just don't judge, because you can't really know the full picture is my view on it all.

Politely as possible, what’s left to do when he gets back?

Surely, as other posters have mentioned - the house is already tidy, the food is already at least prepped, the children’s clothes already washed? That’s the benefit, isn’t it, stuff gets done?

In our house there’d only be “dinner, bath and bed” left, and I’d assume the dinner would at least have been prepared or started, while he was at work.

There is categorically no way I’d come home from work to my partner, who’d been in all day, and then run the hoover round. Zero chance.

We surely cannot believe that the benefit to a parent staying home is that they are able to manage the house, so more time is available on the evening, and then simultaneously believe that when the other parent gets home there should be loads left for them to do.

No, 'we' don't all believe that. I was a stay at home mum not a stay at home cleaner. We all live here and all make the laundry. And therefore all do the laundry.

Also, you both apparently work full time so your house is empty all day. Obviously there's no tidying to do when you get home if no one has been there. Bit of an irrelevant situation to judge others from really.

Where did I say I was more cerebral or sophisticated?

I said I don’t enjoy it. That doesn’t mean I think I’m above it in some way.

Cook dinner, or at least finish, clean the kitchen, general tidy of the house, bath children, play with them, get them ready for bed, books etc.

You would never even hoover if your partner had been home all day caring for children? Okay good for you I guess. My DH recognises that looking after multiple children from 7:30 in the morning is a full time job. He would never take that stance and comes home willingly ready to partake in family life.
Maybe you find it hard to understand what it’s like to have more than one child, but you simply aren’t sitting around while looking after multiple children.

You’re muddling up different comments and creating your own narrative. There is certainly no part of my or my DH’s decision for a SAHP that centres around housework.

Very young children not of school age create a pretty constant level of chores, it’s simply not possible to not have any chores to do outside of a 9-5 job.

We both work from home, but you’d be right to assume there’s no children here - he’s at school.

Surely once the child is school age, or is in any form of childcare, the same applies. Once the children are not at home for x amount of hours a day - that is absolutely ample time to put the washing on.

Like I’ve said before, it’s not possible to be a 24/7 parent to a child who leaves the home, and sleeps. It’s not 24/7, that’s absolute hyperbole.

If I ever was a SAHP, which I appreciate I’ve made clear I wouldn’t be, when my son was at school the expectation should be that I’ve done the housework, or else why am I not at work.

Well, the children are not in childcare so they're home to make a continuous mess all day. It's much harder to keep a house clean when you're looking after small children in it all day.

There's not "loads left to do" when my husband gets home, but there will be toys and crafts out, dishes in the sink from making/eating dinner, some laundry to fold etc.

Well unless you all eat without the working parent, there is loading the dishwasher to begin with.

But work never really stops in busy families.

Dog vomits? Sahm's job? Or grown adult who was standing there when it happened?

Toddler smears toothpaste over pyjamas and needs changing? Bin needs to go out to the gate?

Just because sahm hoovered and did laundry and changed the bedlinen and read countless story books and walked the dc to the park and pushed swings and made breakfast, lunch and dinner and ordered new school trainers for dc and booked the tennis coaching and cleaned the bathrooms and showed toddler to build a track loop with the train set and taught toddler to use scooter at the park and took everyone to after school activities and helped with the piano practice and supervised the prep and heard the reading book doesn't mean the dog vomit is sahm's job.

I completely agree with everything you’ve written. IRL and online I hear a lot of crowing about how “lucky” women are to be able to stay at home and how much “hubby” earns for them to do this. Many of the women I know IRL had jobs they didn’t enjoy that would barely break even after childcare - I wouldn’t call that lucky TBH as it seems like they actually had limited choice whether or not to stay at home.

I work 3 days a week in a job I really enjoy and whilst DH earns good money and can pay all our bills, my extra income funds our treats and holidays, plus the cleaner and a lot of outsourcing that means we really get to enjoy ourselves. It’s also paying a good pension for me so we don’t have to worry about retirement and I enjoy the mental stimulation. I could choose to stay at home if I wanted but I much prefer it this way.

That just is not true, @goz

You do not know me, so you are unable to make an assessment of how much awareness I have or don’t have. There’s also no need to put inverted commas around the phrase “genius level IQ” - that’s a fact. I wish women wouldn’t denigrate other women for stating facts. I suppose maybe it’s deemed boastful, but it’s still a fact.

I have not insulted you or your choices: please do me the same courtesy.

As it happens, I do agree with others that there are very intelligent women who enjoy staying at home with young children. I’m not one of them. So it’s not statistically linked to intelligence. Bit of a conundrum.

The comment I was referring to was regards to 50% of the housework, as in 50% total.

There will be things that pop up on an evening that need doing, and I accept they’re everyone’s responsibility - like your dog sick. But the day to day upkeep of the house would surely have been done by the person that’s been in it all day.

We’ve got a disabled 9 year old, so whilst I appreciate @goz that there’s only one of him - he makes up for it by being more challenging than others.

Those who are referring to toddlers are, with respect, not referring to 9 year olds who are actually 2.5 cognitively, who throw things around the house and smear excrement everywhere. Multiply that bed changing to every day, usually twice. The ordering of shoes to replacing everything, multiple times a month. The organising tennis club to having 10 outside agencies to manage ……. And then work.

I find it very, very hard to believe that being a SAHP to a NT school age child is busier, which is why I’m absolutely confident work could fit in most people’s lives, because it fits in ours and does so under more difficult circumstances.

You literally stated you can’t enjoy young children because you’re simply too intelligent and then you talk about women denigrating other women.

I haven’t insulted a single one of your choices
actually, I just think it’s beyond laughable that you have attempted to link being happy around your young children and a level of intelligence. Although you’re clearly rolling back in that right now but your previous comments remain.