Would you be a sahp?

[UraniumFlowerpot]

I’ve noticed a theme of advice along the lines of never give up your career / income to care for kids because who knows what might happen down the line with the earning partner, you might find yourself single and penniless.

I’m currently considering my options when baby arrives later this year. Hadn’t ever planned to be a sahp but husband out-earns me many times over and I’m finding my career motivation mostly gone by now. Just naturally reached a plateau and got bored. Seems pointlessly stressful to work and put baby in full time childcare for a salary that will realistically make no difference to our standard of living. Current career couldn’t be picked up again after a break, I could return later to something else likely for less money. Current career could, at a stretch, support a family. Potential careers after a break almost certainly couldn’t.

I’ve talked with DH about the vulnerability of giving up work, he’s very happy to pay generously into pension and savings for me — not sure how much difference this legally makes since it would all be matrimonial assets anyway, but the understanding and willingness is there. He’s not pushing me to give up work but definitely values that role a lot. I also already have savings from before marriage that would see me through a transition period if we split, and a small pension (plus up to date with NI payments).

So my question to mumsnet is: What amount of personal or matrimonial assets, or what arrangement with the earning partner, would make you feel comfortable with the decision to become a sahp or substantially reduce earning potential to better accommodate kids?

It’s not for everyone, but yes I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could, we unfortunately cant afford it. I’m 3 days a week now and work in education and I just don’t care about it anymore 🤷‍♀️ I don’t get bored when I’m off- I feel at my happiest and healthiest.

@goz

I cannot see what a SAHP (beyond preschool years) has in their life that a working parent doesn’t have in theirs.

They have the same amount of school hours, the same cleaning, the same cooking. But less/no work.

It’s a lifestyle choice, sure, but making out there’s lots of things to do that everyone else somehow doesn’t have, is to use your words - disingenuous.

I hate to sound like Molly Mae here, but we all have the same 6hrs available whilst kids are at school. Some of us choose to use them, plus potentially a couple extra, to earn money and work, others choose to use them to do things that everyone else still has to do.

The bulk of my friendship group are 50 plus. All the toddler years are over.

Four of my friends are getting or have got divorced over the last 4 years. There is a direct correlation with life quality financials post divorce with who remained in work.

There is also the fact that sadly people drop dead even if it’s the most amazing enduring love in the world.

It’s really a massive risk, never ever would I have expected a couple of those divorces to happen. It’s up to each individual but my way ahead of her time Mothers words ring true to me to this day, ‘never ever rely on a man for money’. She was divorced in the 1950’s which was highly unusual but her first DH had an affair and she was widowed twice.

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that.

I was a sahp for a period of time while my dc were at primary school and during that period, I managed to reduce our monthly outgoings by between 32 to 43%. And we were able to save some money on top of that.

This is because I had time to cook, clean, garden, shop frugally, do house renovations and of course look after dc during holidays without sending them to clubs. and no wraparound care necessary before and after school.

I also helped an elderly neighbour and volunteered in school and with a village project so the total was more than the sum of its parts.

It’s not all about the money!

Or she resents not having had the opportunity and is hitting out to convince herself I guess.

I think you underestimate how your husband will change once baby is here

He will undervalue your role as a sahp

Presumably because her dh is a decent bloke and wants to be involved in his children’s lives?

I'm reading this on my lunch break from a job I don't enjoy, whilst my 1 yo is at nursery. I've gone part-time, 3 days a week, and DH works 4 days a week. DD only has two days a week in childcare and tbh she's thriving there. As much as I would love to be a SAHM or take a career break I wouldn't take her out of nursery, and I wouldn't want to deny DH his day with her. So I might as well work. Maybe when she's a teen and we've paid off the mortgage I'll retrain.

Just came here to say if you do stop work to raise small children, it isn't the same as being unemployed. If you do become a SAHP, I'd recommend some financial safeguarding. Like some substantial savings to support you and the kids for at least 6m should your partners income randomly stop (stranger things happen).

If money was no object and I had absolute financial independence, I'd 💯 be a stay at home parent. But I don't so I work PT after working FT until DC was 3. Hated it and regret it so much.

You don't know how it's going to impact your children though. Both my parents worked full time when I was growing up, but I chose to be a SAHM and then work part time for many years. Do what you want to do, not to "model" something for your children as they'll make their own decisions anyway!

@Simonjt”I have no desire to be unemployed and I hope my children don’t desire that for their futures either”

I can’t imagine hoping my children don’t take time out of a paid career to be with their children.

Surely being disappointed that your adult child is fulfilled in their life in a different way than you is the height of controlling.

I was a sahm for 4 years. I was also a full time working mum for 4 years, and I've done lots in between. I currently don't work but not through choice.

Both working and not working have pros & cons. Being a sahm is much harder than working - when I went back to work in an office with hot cups of tea and people to chat with it was like going on holiday! In fact having a few years at home made me appreciate work much more. Could you stop working for a few years with a specific plan to go back to work (albeit likely in a different type of role/industry) when the children are a certain age?

I loved having more time with the children when they were little. When they were both in school it made more sense to be working.

Finances aside - wait until you actually have a baby to decide. You might be desperate to go back to work; i was after 11 months. You can’t know that until you experience having a baby. Going back to work has been transforming for my mental health. I love being a mum but there is no way I could do it full time; I felt like my brain was rotting - I think it’s way way harder being a SAHP! Im enjoying my lunch in peace at work right now whilst my toddler is having a great time with her grandmother.

This, I think, is balanced.

A lot of people find work easier; a lot of people regret missing out on those years with their dc.

You have to do what works for you AND your dc. My friend had a very high-flying career but believed she was the best person to care for her very autistic child so she stepped back. The child is now flourishing.

I don't think you can make sweeping comments about the issue without risking missing nuance.

My MIL was a SAHM, and like her I think I’d consider all things child and home related to be my responsibility if that’s what I was specifically staying at home for.

It’s not unreasonable to expect anyone to spend time with their children, but that’s only if all other things are equal, which if one of you is staying at home - they’re not.

It seems unfair on the person going out to work if 50% of the household responsibilities are waiting for them when they get back, surely that’s the point in one of you not working.

If I could, yes, without a doubt.

I see no point in someone going to work to pay someone else to care for their child, if they could do a better job themselves. Having taught KS1, I do make exceptions for children in some circumstances, though.

Before children I would have said no way. Now I'd love to do it for a few years. I couldn't see me doing it forever. They're both at school, but one one has quite complicated disabilities and the other is ND, and life feels like a constant battle to juggle everything. I'm exhausted, and I ache, and it will be lovely to take one stress out of the equation.

Realistically we could manage it, but not with the lifestyle we'd like. I'm part-time, but very flexible, but I still struggle to fit in the hours. I end up working a lot of evenings and weekends, to make up for the hours I don't fit in the week.

If I had regular kids then I probably wouldn't, but I think I'd still like to be part-time, or my husband go part-time. I don't really mind which, but both parents being full-time with young kids is going to be a slog even if you've got easy kids. With mine it would be impossible.

This (and a lot of the comments on this thread) seems very "I'm not like other mums". There are there so many comments from people who think they're too clever and interesting to parent. Yeah, sometimes hanging out with a baby is a little bit boring. But I don't think anyone's too special or too smart to do it.

Do you think all men are deadbeats?

Never - I'd never want to be unemployed. Asides from 3 mat leaves I've always worked and will always want to do so.

OP I work 30hrs a week. Have only a day with my 3 year old and one day a week to pick up my 6 year old from school. I'm sure my answer is impacted by how stressed I am at the moment, but the idea of having more time with my children is so appealing. Do the sums, protect yourself with marriage, pension contributions and joint account and go for it. Have the conversations with DH first so that it is agreed in writing what he will contribute financially and practically. Keep an eye on the jobs market, do anything you can to keep your skills up to date. The time when they are small is precious.

I think that isn't fair to the extent that being a sahm is 24/7.

When people say 50% of chores should be shared, I'm assuming they mean 50% of what needs doing when the "working" parent is also home.

If, for instance, the family is going for a Sunday afternoon picnic, I don't see why the sahm should have to make the picnic, pack the basket, find the picnic rug, pack the baby wipes nappies etc then also clean up the picnic basket and deal with the leftovers, clean down the dog's muddy paws etc when everyone gets home while the "working parent" sits on the sofa because they worked away from the home for five days a week. Parenting happens outside work hours as well.

What people are objecting to is the "do your woman's work, Woman" attitude that your post hints at. (And neither should a sahd be told to do his Sahd work when the family are together).

How is it 'I'm not like other mums'.

I think most mums feel exasperated by the relentlessness of the routines described - you can find several thousand pleading posts on mumsnet from women finding themselves in that situation and struggling with it.

I don't think 'I'm too clever and interesting to parent', I just get bored and a frustrated with relentless routine activities with zero break. So I'm not a SAHM. That's not my thinking I'm special or smart - it's just about what I find enjoyment in doing.

I also... still parent despite working full time. I just don't exclusively stay at home with my children. I don't think it would be preferable for anyone in my family if I was at home full time and bitter and resentful about it.

So, my baby has just turned one and I have not (yet) gone back to work. Part time/flexible work isn't possible in my industry. I'll hopefully return to work (albeit not at the same level, realistically) in a couple of years. I'm comfortable with my decision. You can work whenever. My baby will only be a baby once.

Out of friends I made on mat leave, two have gone back part time. One is working almost full time but weekends and evenings and looking after her child during the week (this, I think, is beyond heroic). One went back for a while but then quit - baby was sick a lot, not settling at nursery and the whole thing was a huge stress. One (like me) has not gone back at all.

I go to a lot of play groups (you don't have to talk about your kids! You can talk about the price of oil, or your house renovations, or whatever you most fascinating) and the arrangements people have are hugely varied. (There are also quite a lot of dads at the playgroup, so they're also part-time at least). I personally haven't felt any judgement and don't think it's as much of a thing irl as online.

Do what's best for you and your family, OP.

“I don’t think anyone’s too special or too smart to do it”.

I disagree. I do get bored very, very easily as my mind must constantly be stimulated and hanging out with babies and small kids simply doesn’t stimulate it.

I have a genius-level IQ, tho.