Partner wants me to stop cosleeping

[IdontEvenKnowAnymore2]

So our little boy is now almost 2.5years and I have been co-sleeping with him since he was born.
My partner does not live with us.
He says our boy needs to sleep in his own bed as the last time he had him our boy seemed to need body contact to sleep and that he needs to grow into a man, boys and girls need different things things etc ...
I can't understand how giving a toddler the security he needs at this age will impact his development into a man.
What am I missing?

Personally I would need my space by that age, especially if I had a partner. Yes it’s lovely your DS feels secure with you, but being in his own bed won’t mean anything less. But that’s just my view.

For comparison, our DDs always slept in their own space: Moses basket, crib, cot. DH and I moved our DDs into their own beds in their own rooms at roughly 6mos ...
Our DDs were completely ok with sleeping independently at every age and it helped them learn to self soothe and to sleep for longer stretches and 'through the night' without needing a feed.

I'd say it's not about being 'manly' but about being an individual.

What do you want?
co-sleeping with your child is not wrong. It’s natural. Is your partner your child’s father?

He doesn’t even live there, you do whatever works for you and your child and maximises sleep for both of you.

Mine slept in a little toddler bed by me until the summer he started school and got his own room. He also falls asleep in our bed at night and then gets carried to his as 5 is a common age for nightmares. Now he's even got a loft bed to have more space in his room. He's not stunted for the time he was with me. He's confident and affectionate. Tell your DP he can do what he wants in his house and you'll do yours.

@MamaBear2210T yes partner is child's father but we don't live together so we don't share a bed anyway.
I want to co-sleep for as long as my child needs to. He still wakes up to feed once or twice at night.
He's very independent otherwise and people who don't even know us comment on how independent he is for his age. When we go to play groups he always goes off and does his own thing. Never clings to me just looks around every now and then if I'm still around then gets on with whatever he's doing.

As a baby DS just wanted to sleep in with us, obviously he felt more secure and happy there.
After much trial and tribulation he slept in the middle and we all got a decent night's sleep. So it worked for us.
He did this till he was about 12-18 months, then he gave it up.

I think the complication is that he also stays at his dad’s place and I can see that it might be more challenging to get him to sleep if he’s used to co-sleeping with you.

Does that mean he needs to only sleep at yours for now as he clearly needs that closeness and still feeds at night.

If the overnights with dad continue I’m not sure what to advise about making it less confusing for your son.

Your DP wasn’t unreasonable until he started talking about boys and girls having different needs.

There is nothing wrong with cosleeping. Do it for as long as you feel you want to. Don’t listen to all of this “self soothe” nonsense.. babies cannot self soothe, they just learn that nobody comes when they cry. So don’t feel bad about it, do it for as long as you feel it is right for you. Your partner’s views are odd.

There's nothing wrong with co sleeping and I disagree with the stuff about him growing into a man etc, but I do see that this is tricky for your partner when your DS spends overnights with him. He doesn't want to co sleep, and this will make it harder for him to get DS to sleep. Fair enough if you don't think that's your problem, but don't you worry that DS may get upset when he's at his dad's? I do see this as being different from you choosing to co sleep if DS was at yours every night.

What if he never wants to sleep in his own bed?! Will you still be bed sharing when he’s 8yo?

Personally i think it’s important for kids to have their own space to sleep and it’s definitely important that I have my own space.

Hes a young boy now and definitely does not need feeding overnight 🙄

How many nights a week does he sleep at his dads?

@Coconutter24 2 nights a week

He absolutely should not been feeding in the night at this age, it’s unnecessary and bad for his teeth. And you are co sleeping for yourself, not your son. He doesn’t need it, he just doesn’t know different. Your parents views about what a boy needs etc are silly, and he doesn’t get to choose when he doesn’t even live there. But your son doesn’t need to
cosleep and would be better off without night feeds.

It’s your call as the main parent. Mine moved out when they wanted to and it was definitely after 2.5. The over night feeds aren’t great for teeth though unless you bf and teeth are well cleaned before bed. If so then there is nothing to bother anyone. From your partner’s comments I think he may need a bit of upskilling when it comes to normal child development.

Babies can self soothe because millions of them do.

Not teaching your baby to sleep is poor parenting in my view. I'm not saying you have to use cry it out or Ferber but it's your responsibility as a parent to ensure your child learns how to sleep through the night and to connect their sleep cycles without constant intervention. It's a life skill and too many parents are willing to just totally ignore it.

this is such an odd perspective.

co sleeping has been by far the most normal experience for most cultures throughout history. it doesn’t mean that the kids aren’t learning to connect sleep cycles.

You also cant teach a baby to connect its sleep cycles anyway. best you can do with sleep training is accelerate how fast the baby teaches itself to do that.

Maybe look into the long term effects on lack of sleep on your physical health.
Have you considered how your dc will cope if you meet a man at 7 and still shares your bed...

Not teaching your baby to sleep? Babies that co-sleep still sleep 🤣🤣. Clue is in the name! Research actually shows co-sleeping fosters greater confidence and independence, rather than dependency OP so your DP doesn't know what hes talking about. The talk about him turning into a man and boys needing different things makes him sound like a sexist idiot. I'd wager his objections to your son sleeping with you have more to do with it curtailing his sex life when he visits you rather than any concerns about the baby's welfare

Bed sharing was used because houses were much smaller and dedicated rooms, nurseries, cots and cribs were uncommon or simply didn't exist.

The fact something was a common cultural practice throughout history does not change medical fact. We discourage bed sharing co-sleeping, particularly with babies, because it vastly increases the risk of SIDS. That's the reality.

Co-sleeping in the form of room sharing is encouraged, but that's a different thing.

He can’t dictate what you do in your own home. He’s not unreasonable to bring the topic up to have a conversation about it but ultimately what you do is up to you. There’s nothing to stop him working on building a good bedtime routine at his home

I bed shared until about 3 because we all slept like that rather than hours of faffing about going in and out and settling etc. I worked full time and just wanted anything that allowed the most sleep. My DC did not accept any attempts to 'learn to self soothe' in the same way they wouldn't have got up and walked at 3 months if I had just trained them to do it. Some DC just need more time to develop those skills.

DC also know different set ups and can learn different routines at your DP's house.

How often does the child go to his father's and how involved is his father? I guess also why is this the arrangement?

You 100% aren't wrong to co sleep. However assuming that the child is with his father often and you are co-parenting, it is not fair to get your child to a position where he will only settle if his father co-sleeps with him. Co-sleeping is fine, but it is not essential for the child's wellbeing. Many children your son's age sleep fine and are healthy and everything without co-sleeping. It's as ok for his father not to want to co-sleep as it is for you to want to co-sleep. It is mean to both your child and his dad to co-sleep so much that the child is upset by not co-sleeping. Of course, this might be different if dad has decided only to see the child once in a blue moon, then he can't really expect to have any say in daily/nightly routines.

It is poor parenting to force young children to sleep alone for parental convenience. It is selfish and a totally western concept which goes against what’s natural… in my opinion.

You are entitled to do what you want with your child but as someone who coslept with my parents, I can connect my sleep cycles without help just fine!! As can my siblings 😂.