Unsettled 32 month old granddaughter

[MammarOfOne]

My 32 month old GD lives with me (48yo & my youngest son 22yo) Thursday to Sunday and her dad (24yo son) the rest of the week. She hates going home to Daddy and it’s starting to upset him (and she’s distraught).

back story

I’ve had GD every weekend since she was 2 weeks old (except for a few months from 15 months to 19 months due to her mother) and she lived with her parents the rest of the time. The relationship was toxic and the mother was abusive towards my son and threw him out every couple of weeks as a form of control.
When she stopped my contact with GD I took it to court and now have a court order.

Mother asked if I could have GD for 2 weeks over Christmas and new year 2024 while she worked. Obviously I said yes. (She’d kicked my son out and this time he didn’t go back. 🥳 He was living in a flat that was unsuitable for children. He now has a place for them both). 02/01/25 I asked what time she wanted GD back and she said that she didn’t want her and hasn’t seen her since.

I’ve really been her only constant and ‘safe space’ (the main reason I was given a court order). She has her own room here and she is an absolute joy. I adore her and she adores me.
My husband (we’re separated) comes and stays every weekend and helps me out with her so she had both of us here and most weekends we go out and do something with my dad like a national trust house or the zoo (my husband is amazing with her and she loves him very much).

My son is brilliant with her, I’ve seen them together and it’s lovely. He’s a good dad. We have very similar ideas about ‘parenting’ so we work together very well to bring her up. We agree on bedtimes and routine and punishment so it’s quite consistent to a certain degree.

Now my problem is when we take her home to daddy’s on Sunday. As soon as she sees where we are going she screams and shouts “NOT GOING TO DADDYS. STAY AT MAMMAS”. It lasts until we leave. She’s distraught. It breaks my heart and I can only imagine how my son feels. She’s ok around 5 minutes after we leave.

On Thursdays he can’t mention that she needs to get ready to go to mine as she will then just stand at the door screaming my name until I turn up. “WHERE IS MY MAMMA? COME HERE MAMMA”

She needed to see the GP yesterday so we picked her and her dad up and the entire time she just kept repeating in a sing song voice “Not going back to Daddy’s, only going to Mammas” When we tell her that it’s not Mammas day, that I’m just taking her to the drs she just shouted “NO NO NOT!”. This went on for 2+ hours.

I can’t go to their flat in the week because she then kicks off because I’m not taking her with me, she will literally go into her room and put her shoes and coat on and say “Come on mamma, we going?”

Her mother has no interest in seeing her (she’s already had another baby with someone else) and GD wouldn’t know what she looked like if she passed her on the street. She never asks about mum and never even said the word as a baby. I don’t believe mum abused her but she definitely emotionally neglected her and was not interested in her at all. She was there while my son was being abused (both physically and mentally) but was obviously a very little baby. (Social care were/are not involved but caffcas were very concerned when I took it to court)

How can I make this better for her?

We big up Daddy all the time and talk about the fun things she will be doing etc.
We tell her Saturday night that she’s going to see Daddy tomorrow and we pick out her clothes before bed and choose toys to take to Daddy’s etc. On Sunday mornings we remind her that she’s going to see daddy and talk about what she might have for tea. She’s fine until we turn onto his estate.

I even considered having her less (he works Fri/sat/sun and starts at 5am so he would have to give up work) but then that doesn’t seem fair to her, she really does love me very much, I’m the only woman in her life, she’s had enough people abandon her and I’ll be honest I don’t want to. (But I would if it was in her best interest).

sorry it’s so long, I think the back story is important

@Springtimewillbespringing nearly 3 years (4 months off)

Yes me too ❤️ very inspiring xx

Don't have her less. You need to have her more and build up from short times at dad's. You're her main attachment. She lost her first primary attachment which is huge for her.

Mum, dad and grandmother. Edit - not living with her mum was buried within the post. Unusual for a mum not to have contact with her child. Awful that the dad doesn’t look after his child full time. No wonder the child is traumatised.

Just dad and grandmother. Her mum hasn't seen her for over a year.

You sound like you and your son are doing an amazing job at maintaining stability for your GD who as had a difficult start.

Is there a parent and infant relationship service in your area? This is a mental health service with the child at the centre of everything that explores and supports bonds and attachment. Not every area has them though.

Have you got parental responsibility and has her bio Mum had it removed? Is there a court order for her to remain in the shared care of yourself and your son and not go to bio Mum? If not I would look to get this in place in case the Mum decides at some point to uproot her again.

Oh, come on, can you not work that out for yourself?

Is your home a lot nicer than the flat?

I'm wondering if it's to do with the environment rather than her attachment to you. But my guess would be that it's attachment.

How sure are you that he's meeting her needs all the time now while he's with her? It seems odd that she would have so much attachment to you if he's with her so much, was with her from the beginning, far more than you were, and is the great dad you say he is.

But if he really is a great dad, then he probably should find work that means he doesn't need to have you looking after her overnight so he can become her primary attachment. A bond with a parent rather than a grandparent has a lot of advantages long term. And it really wants to be established before she starts school so that she will talk to him about issues and he can support her properly.

Work that accommodates childcare is hard for single parents, but that's why so many mum's have big dips in their careers and lower earning capacity - they put that bond with their kids above maximising their earnings (whether the poverty that too often goes hand in hand with that choice is worse than the less good bond is probably debatable, though).

Play therapy that PP suggested does sound like it could be useful.

If it's possible your house is a factor in why she seems so reluctant to go home/always wants to leave, could you stay at his flat when you're looking after her? And make sure your place doesn't have better toys, etc. for a while?

(the reference to 32 months is annoying….why not say nearly 3 years old?!)

what job does your son do and what are his long term career prospects? TBH he needs to start to transition to a job that fits around impending school like the rest of us do….so that her permanent home is his house (currently sounds like she does 4 with you 3 with him) and that you are not her substitute mother but her grandmother who provides maybe before/after school care whilst he works and every other weekend

also - kindly - you are aren’t her “mama” you are her grandmother/ nan/ nanny and I think you need to gradually and gently put that boundary in place

It sounds like she's had a lot of trauma and instability for a small child. Is she having any therapy? Play therapy is really good for little kids. It's worth looking into.it might help her process.

I think a lot of kids have a preferred parent. That's not unusual.lots for kids also kick off at transitions. I think you need to establish what exactly is happening while she is with dad. Are they doing fun things? Is he attentive to her needs? If he is you might just need to leave more quickly seen as she's settling quickly after your gone.

Another thing I wondered is what contact is she having with each of you when she's in the others care. What would be nice is if dad recorder himself reading some bedtime stories so you can play them while she's with you abd vice versa. It will keep her connected.

Finally, it might be worth checkingbin with the HV. Maybe ask is a nursery nurse can observe her in both homes. I did this with my daughter and the gave me tips on things I could change to help my daughter.

Oh get a grip - Google exists. You were being purposely difficult and got called out on it. Own it.

Going by OP 's handle, I'm guessing she lives in the part of the East Midlands where I grew up, where grandmothers are often called Mammar. It's not a name that treads on a mother's toes. It's a regular alternative to (and more common than) nanny/granny/Grandma in that region. Nearly all my friends at school called their grandma, Mammar.

It wasn't "buried within the post". It's mentioned at least 3 times that her mum doesn't see her.

I don't think her dad sharing care with her grandmother is awful either. It sounds like a great relationship for the child to have.

My god why are people talking such nonsense on this thread?

The child lives between two loving homes. It's normal for children in that situation to have a preference and a favorite carer. That doesn't mean she's traumatized FFS.

He has to work, just like most other parents.

There are so many threads on here where a young mum lives with her parents or they do all her childcare. There was a thread yesterday where a single mum returning to nursing was leaving her 9 month old baby with her own mother whilst she did 14 hour shifts. Lots of praise for the grandmother.
This grandmother in this thread is doing a brilliant job of making sure her son is able to cope with being a young parent and giving stability to her granddaughter.
Well done to the OP

My DS goes between two houses (divorce after abuse), and what helped him a lot at the start was to have a particular teddy that went back and forth with him, that he then looked after "because Teddy won't know at the start how it works at Daddy's so you'll have to show him".

I also asked XH (whether it was done or not I don't know, but easier to arrange with your son) to use the same washing powder so even the smell of the bedclothes and towels is familiar. This was recommended to me by a friend who adopted her children, on advice from their foster carer - just one less difference for them to have to cope with, especially if your son is inadvertently using the same brands that his ex used when they were together. You might also do exactly the same meals for a while...and then occasionally introduce a new "special" thing that's just for Dad's. Best of luck OP, your GD is lucky to have you, and you her x.

I don’t want the say anything outing but I know people who have had a similar situation in the past. You are right that you have provided a safe space and stability and you shouldn’t change that, unless making a permanent change.

It seems like however resilient and happy she appears, it’s these transitions where it all comes out. I think all you can do is keep consistent knowing she will understand more as she gets older but I would echo others who have advised professional support, like age-appropriate therapy. Although she may not mention her mum, it’s definitely having an impact on her. If she has bad memories perhaps being with Dad she worries that her mum will appear and it will be bad again? Who knows, little ones obviously can’t process things like we can. It might just be literally that the transition makes her feel insecure. One important person has disappeared from her life and she might be scared it will happen again.

You’re doing a great job and although this poor little one has had a rough start how lucky that she has you and your family.

32/12 months = 2 years and 6 months aka 2 1/2.

That wasn't so hard was it!

At least it wasn’t weeks, i have known of a person who counted their 4 year old in weeks. 😬

2 years and 8 months 😅

Erm Obviously it is quite hard.....

😬 oops!

😄 still better than the OP!

I am just re-iterating what other parents have said- I would continue what you are doing. My daughter has the most wonderful dad, who does more than his fair share of bedtime routines and parenting while I work shifts... yet she still has a very strong preference for mummy and gets mad when it isn't me! And she is a similar age to your granddaughter. I think it is just a developmental thing that Dad will have to just try and not take too personally. Keep doing a great job! xxx

god what a totally obtuse and wanky response. If you need remedial maths lessons I can point you in the direction of some adult learning resources?