Unsettled 32 month old granddaughter

[MammarOfOne]

My 32 month old GD lives with me (48yo & my youngest son 22yo) Thursday to Sunday and her dad (24yo son) the rest of the week. She hates going home to Daddy and it’s starting to upset him (and she’s distraught).

back story

I’ve had GD every weekend since she was 2 weeks old (except for a few months from 15 months to 19 months due to her mother) and she lived with her parents the rest of the time. The relationship was toxic and the mother was abusive towards my son and threw him out every couple of weeks as a form of control.
When she stopped my contact with GD I took it to court and now have a court order.

Mother asked if I could have GD for 2 weeks over Christmas and new year 2024 while she worked. Obviously I said yes. (She’d kicked my son out and this time he didn’t go back. 🥳 He was living in a flat that was unsuitable for children. He now has a place for them both). 02/01/25 I asked what time she wanted GD back and she said that she didn’t want her and hasn’t seen her since.

I’ve really been her only constant and ‘safe space’ (the main reason I was given a court order). She has her own room here and she is an absolute joy. I adore her and she adores me.
My husband (we’re separated) comes and stays every weekend and helps me out with her so she had both of us here and most weekends we go out and do something with my dad like a national trust house or the zoo (my husband is amazing with her and she loves him very much).

My son is brilliant with her, I’ve seen them together and it’s lovely. He’s a good dad. We have very similar ideas about ‘parenting’ so we work together very well to bring her up. We agree on bedtimes and routine and punishment so it’s quite consistent to a certain degree.

Now my problem is when we take her home to daddy’s on Sunday. As soon as she sees where we are going she screams and shouts “NOT GOING TO DADDYS. STAY AT MAMMAS”. It lasts until we leave. She’s distraught. It breaks my heart and I can only imagine how my son feels. She’s ok around 5 minutes after we leave.

On Thursdays he can’t mention that she needs to get ready to go to mine as she will then just stand at the door screaming my name until I turn up. “WHERE IS MY MAMMA? COME HERE MAMMA”

She needed to see the GP yesterday so we picked her and her dad up and the entire time she just kept repeating in a sing song voice “Not going back to Daddy’s, only going to Mammas” When we tell her that it’s not Mammas day, that I’m just taking her to the drs she just shouted “NO NO NOT!”. This went on for 2+ hours.

I can’t go to their flat in the week because she then kicks off because I’m not taking her with me, she will literally go into her room and put her shoes and coat on and say “Come on mamma, we going?”

Her mother has no interest in seeing her (she’s already had another baby with someone else) and GD wouldn’t know what she looked like if she passed her on the street. She never asks about mum and never even said the word as a baby. I don’t believe mum abused her but she definitely emotionally neglected her and was not interested in her at all. She was there while my son was being abused (both physically and mentally) but was obviously a very little baby. (Social care were/are not involved but caffcas were very concerned when I took it to court)

How can I make this better for her?

We big up Daddy all the time and talk about the fun things she will be doing etc.
We tell her Saturday night that she’s going to see Daddy tomorrow and we pick out her clothes before bed and choose toys to take to Daddy’s etc. On Sunday mornings we remind her that she’s going to see daddy and talk about what she might have for tea. She’s fine until we turn onto his estate.

I even considered having her less (he works Fri/sat/sun and starts at 5am so he would have to give up work) but then that doesn’t seem fair to her, she really does love me very much, I’m the only woman in her life, she’s had enough people abandon her and I’ll be honest I don’t want to. (But I would if it was in her best interest).

sorry it’s so long, I think the back story is important

What about a nursery or child minder in between that is fun? You drop her there, Dad picks up. No fuss, no big explanations, just she’s dropped by someone who loves her and then someone else who loves her picks up. That way she’s always going towards a positive.

I have no experience with this kind of thing but it sounds very hard and you all sound like you are doing a great job navigating this while keeping GDs best interests at the centre. Would it help to have your son come stay at you house the nights she’s staying with you after work? So that in time she recognises him as her primary carer and the one who provides her the most care. So after work he comes and stays at yous and takes over her care, does bath bedtime etc. it seems that she views you as her primary carer and that probably needs to flip to your son while you remain as a secondary care giver.

Why can't she live with her dad?

She does for half the week, but he works Fri/Sat/Sun, starting at 5am. It's all there in the OP's post.

I don't have anything new or different to add, I just wanted to say that your post made me well up. What a fabulous child focused family unit you are - you, her dad and your ex. It sounds like she's getting the best of all of you. What a lucky little girl to have so much love and such fun weekends.

Out of that whole post that was your comment?

Pathetic person.

What a horrible reply…just why ? This lady sounds an incredible grandma.

I agree. OP you and your son are fabulous. Just keep doing what you are doing.💐

Could DGD and DS come and live with you full time? Means that she gets both her dad and you all the time rather than having to be separated from either of you?
sounds like you are both doing an amazing job to give this little girl a stable life.

There’s research that very young children thrive better with a permanent base/home with one caregiver and spend short periods of time with the other caregiver rather than a 50:50 split, which seems counterintuitive. It sounds understandably that the little one is really struggling with it and I would be looking to change it so the dad has them a lot more. Yes it’s going to make work difficult and Dad will have to alter his working schedule just like lone/single mothers up and down the country have to do.

Clearly it’s harder for some than others 🙈
try again?

My friend had this with her Gs, she picked him up from.school on Friday and used to take him back to his mum's on Sunday after he had seen his Dad. Every drop off he would scream to go back to nanna's, and scream that he didn't want to go to his mum. Same situation , he was settled after 5 mins but my friend was really upset every week. Nothing worked except that as he got older around 3.5 years, he stopped and just got used to it, he's fine now, hopefully this will be tge same for your Gd, good luck

Can your son not move in with you or move next to you? This little girl needs stability. You are her safe space. Dragging her away from you every week to the point of hysterics is just unthinkable. She needs you. “Getting used to it” is just giving up, it’s not the healthy outcome for a little girl who has already been through so much. The body remember fear and trauma and pain from a young age. Even if she can’t pull out the exact memory, she has experienced being in an abusive environment. Please don’t step back from her.

Dont be bitchy

Dont be bitchy

Ermm..try again🤣

I don't really have any advice. Could she live with you or your son and little one?

But from a little girl that was also bought up by her paternal grandparents as my parents did not want me. Thank you... she is so lucky, as was I. You two will have the most incredible bond. She obviously loves you very much.

It's already been pointed out. RTFT.

Calculators exist. There's one on the phone you're using.

What is the ultimate long term goal? Is it to continue as things are? Or is it to have her back in a more “normal” situation where Dad is primary parent and you have a more traditional grandparent role? If it’s the latter, then you need to start making very gentle steps towards that. It won’t just happen naturally. Dad needs to get a job that suits his parenting responsibilities better, if possible.

If dad can’t change jobs yet, can he still be more present on his working days? He starts at 5am, what time does he finish? Can he stay at your house, or at least spend some time with her in the evenings?

Could you make his house her full time home and you look after her there, so she feels more settled there? You could look at a “nesting” style arrangement where you stay in his house across the days you’re babysitting and he comes back there after work to spend time with her then goes to your house to sleep?

Ultimately you are caring for this child 50/50 in separate houses so it still feels like she’s shunted between adults.

You need a more blended approach.

You say you can’t visit - but you need to!

Nanny’s coming to tea - and make it weekly!

Same for you son, he comes over after work

Being apart isn’t working

I honestly think 50/50 type arrangements just don't work very well for very young children. There's been plenty of threads on MN before about similar aged children with similar levels of distress upon swapping from mum/dad's house even where relationships are good. I mean would you want to do that ? I wouldn't, I would prefer to live in one home. And clearly this little one has more trauma going on than children who do 50/50 with two loving parents.

I think child should live with dad FT and it should be the adults that move between properties if needed for childcare to facilitate that. Why should the child do that? You could stay at dad's house for those few nights instead? Or if you don't want to, well then dad changes job like the many millions of mums who do just that when it's needed to care for their own kids.

I think dad needs to stay at your house on the days he has her more. It sounds like she is craving structure.He may be able to build up to her staying at his more but I would take a step back for now. I think she is telling you what she needs. When she is older you will be able to explain dad time better.

I wouldn’t try to force it. She’s at an age that’s normally very clingy and stubborn. That seems to lessen when they get a bit older. Can you do trips out with you and her dad so she spends more time with him? Or have him come to your house everyday so she gets used to seeing him all the time. Is she at nursery? Maybe that might help with getting her used to going to different settings/people and then being picked up by her dad so she’s not going direct from you/your house to your sons.