12 yr olds friends parents messaging my child

[Upschittscreek1]

Hi, just putting this out there to see if this is normal or not? My 12 year old has a friend whom they spend some time with at their friends house quite a lot. This friends parent texts my child, is this weird? I don't like the idea of a grown adult messaging a child who isn't theirs? Is this normal? I wouldn't dream of messaging one of my children's friends even if I knew them well? my child is on the spectrum and so quite young for their age, I am also neurodivergent so not sure if I am overreacting? People's views would be good

You get these parents . I don’t allow it but with teens it is actually helpful to have others parents numbers in the phone sometimes.
My kids are grown up now, but there were times when they’ve been older that someone has had to call a parent because one child has passed out drinking vodka or something (heaven forbid , but when they 14/15 … it can happen).
But you do sometimes get the parent who gets over involved in engineering a desirable social life for their child , particularly if the kid is lonely or in with a bad crowd. This should be avoided at all costs imo.
Or ..,you get the parent who wants to be the cool confidante. Again, best avoided.

Sorry I think this is massively overstepping boundaries . For whatever reason you might think this is really nice, but if I’ve asked my child to walk I want them to walk .
As an example my child had a friend whose parents thought nothing of having a few drinks and driving. It was a total no from me, yet they’d still try to insist on giving my child lifts. It puts real strain on everyone having to refuse lifts every time, but those were my rules . There could be any reason parents want their child to walk.

Depends what they’re texting, but I’d say it’s not appropriate. Parent should message the other parent if they need something. I listened to too many podcasts with policewomen, psychologists working in prisons etc and this is giving me paedo grooming vibes. Better to protect your child than be sorry

Yeah this is weird! I do have some of my 12-year-olds friends numbers and they have mine, but only for emergencies! I wouldn't txt them to invite them over (either DD would message them or I'd message the parents!)

Yeah this is not normal or okay 🤷‍♀️

I would text the parents in those circumstances too.

The only one above I might text directly to the child is Happy Birthday (once a year) and maybe "Please ask my dc to look at their phone." But even the latter I might send via the parent if they were with that parent.

I find it disrespectful. At that age parents should still be in charge/have a veto regarding whether they can come round, what time they can come round, what snacks they can have etc, and so it should be passed via the parent.

It is weird. You are playing with fire.

I agree. Message back yourself and say if the children can’t organize between then you’d like her to message you. It’s weird

Years ago my work colleague/friends son would text me now and then. It would be stuff like 'Mum's going to kill me, got into trouble at school'. I'd reply, something along the lines of 'Face the music, say sorry and promise mum you will try harder and all will be ok'. I presume got my number from his mum.

Whenever I saw him in person (always with mum) we'd have a giggle, he was a real smashing kid and rather quick witted and funny. I always presumed that his mum knew and read any messages, I did mention that he texted the first time he did.

But the intent from me was always kind and pure, even though the optics may have been odd to others. I think if you're reading the messages OP and feeling uncomfortable, then perhaps have a word and ask them to stop. You may risk offending but if your spidey senses are going off, best listening to them.

Completely different because the boy contacted you and you diverted it back to his mum in telling him to tell his mum.

@Upschittscreek1 I get really bad vibes from the messages being sent. Standard here is that the kids plan and then I contact the parent to confirm. If I know the mum I might contact her directly to see if her son is available to play/sleep over etc. But it's crossing a line sending messages to the child- especially emotional messages. You need to put a stop to this. I would also not be happy for my child to spend time at theirs- invite the child over to yours instead.

I think it depends on the context of course. My dd spends a lot of time with one friend and if I can’t get a hold of her I will call the friend or send a message asking her “is my dd with you or do you know where she is?” Or “please tell dd to come home” or “tell dd to call me please.” I never message to say “hi how are you?” Basically any message is regarding my dd. It doesn’t happen often. But for example it’s happened maybe 2-3 times a year.

It's really not. Tbh this isn't just a random friend though. Her mum and I are very close friends. We are both single and spend a lot of time together with the two girls, the four of us go away together etc. My DD (autistic and barely able to speak to adults) is more comfortable speaking in front of her mum than any other adult barring me and her dad, including both our families. We are very close

Her mum would laugh at the suggestion it was inappropriate

I wouldn't message any of her other friends and don't have their numbers

Not normal. Shut this down. One thing in an exceptionally case, but regular contact is not ok.

It is inappropriate and even if it is not dodgy in any way they should be aware t how it could be perceived that way in this day and age. If you have told them that you are not happy with this and they are continuing to do it ,then I would say I would let them know you have removed the number and I would also block their number . I would also prevent them from having your child at their house .

Thanks for everyone's opinions I've read them all and taken note of advice all very helpful and nice to see everyone being kind I've taken action so fingers crossed that's the end of it thank you all again

Of course it’s weird they text your child asking them do they want to come over , their child should be doing the asking or they should be asking you .
How do you mean they say “ I care about you “ .
Now that’s strange , I don’t care what context they use it in .
What do you make of these people yourself ?? , I personally always get a vibe what a person is like .
I’m getting a vibe here from your post alone that this crowd are Weird , simple as ..

My daughter’s a bit older but I’ve had a group chat with a few of her friends since they were about 14. We take them away to our villa with us and I sometimes send TikTok’s in it that a relatable to funny things from the holidays….my daughters in the chat too. However I never say weird things like ‘I care about you’ and about anything serious or important I would message the parent.

Thanks for everyone's opinions I've read them all and taken note of advice all very helpful and nice to see everyone being kind I've taken action so fingers crossed that's the end of it thank you all again

My oldest is in her 20s and so i do text her friends these days (currently in a group chat with them to arrange her party). When she was younger i would sometimes get messages from them that she would ask them to send like "please can we have a sleep over with x tonight?" because she thought id be more likely to say yes to them! But rarely did i initiate it unless it was "x asked me to let you know this, that, the other".

The i care about you is odd. Very odd.

Op, would you still send your child over there if her child asks?
it sounds like you have told her not to contact your child, but she still does and your child has been back since you asked not too. Is that right? Why not just stop the friendship altogether. I wouldn’t like this at all and would not send my child over there no matter who asks…

This 100 %

I'd only be having meet ups at our house, not theirs.

That is weird AF, I'd be doing a Sarah's Law request on the sender and any other adults in the house https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

And everyone else texting minors for anything other than emergency location of your own child please stop, it is massively creepy.

Also agree , I’m sure most on here feel the same .

I would not be ok with this

I message my teenage niece and nephew but would never message children outside our family. At best it shows a terrible lack of judgement