12 yr olds friends parents messaging my child

[Upschittscreek1]

Hi, just putting this out there to see if this is normal or not? My 12 year old has a friend whom they spend some time with at their friends house quite a lot. This friends parent texts my child, is this weird? I don't like the idea of a grown adult messaging a child who isn't theirs? Is this normal? I wouldn't dream of messaging one of my children's friends even if I knew them well? my child is on the spectrum and so quite young for their age, I am also neurodivergent so not sure if I am overreacting? People's views would be good

The 'care about you thing' is properly weird. But @Upschittscreek1 you mention that YOUR child texted his friend's mother (rather than his friend) first? So she was just replying to that?

I actually do have DD's friends' phone numbers, because I took them all on a trip once for DD's birthday and it was just for safety - we were at Chessington and the girls were going off together without adults. We didn't actually have any phone contact.

One friend does sometimes text me rather than DD to arrange stuff, because DD has difficulties/anxiety about direct communication and often can't even answer a text. But the friend knows that, and it's kind of an unspoken agreement that she's free to message me. I'm fine with it. And as DD's oldest friend I do actually care about her - I care about most people in my life, at least to some extent. But obviously would never say that to her, or put it in a text! That's creepy.

Hi Op

this is not okay

Adults speak to adults - if they want to check anything - they go via an adult or their child can message your child.

I think that is acceptable. I wouldn't mind that but any kind of direct message to the child would be very wrong. I would have a word for sure.

It’s weird

the only time I message my kids friends is when one of my kids isn’t answering their phone or it’s dead - and it’s literally “please get DD to check her phone”

this is the norm across both DC friendship groups

When DC were that age would absolutely never have directly messaged their friends. Now they're older (16/17) I sometimes exchange very brief messages with long term family friends / their best friends we've known a long time eg. birthday messages, thanks the banana bread was epic (to a keen baker who often brings things for us), other similar thank yous, two of them do some garden work for money and we message about logistics - that sort of thing. But only those we know well and now they're older, and never feelings or similar. This feels off - grooming.

Its odd i would be blocking her number from my child's phone. She is seriously over stepping the line here.

The one and only time I’ve messaged my similar aged child’s friend was when I couldn’t track mine down as his phone was flat/off. I had his friends number as we used to give him a lift to school so they had my number incase they were running late etc then the would message me directly to let me know.
My children don’t have phones until high school, some of their friends have phones already (year 6) even if this case I don’t contact them on my child’s behalf, I message their parents an organise things through them.
It all sounds inappropriate to me for an adult not related to you to be messaging your child frequently.
I would be deleting her number and then blocking it, if she wants to arrange things she can leave it to her child to do it or message you directly.

Yes, I think this is weird

It's definitely weird. One of my DDs friends was messaged by her male friends mother because her son had passed on her number. She referred to my DD as her son's 'school wife' and insisted they would get married one day when she spoke to me in the playground. She was in Year 6. I knocked that friendship on the head sharpish!

Just block her number on your sons phone and tell her not to contact your son again

I message my bf daughter and my bf messages my youngest ds. They're bfs too.

But thats it. I'd not message any of my dcs friends from school directly. I don't even have their numbers

My DS is 12 and the ONLY time I might message a friend of his directly is if DS isn’t answering i.e. “ please tell DS to come home for tea now” or “DS said you’d invited him for a sleepover, can you get your mum to call me please”.

The I care about you message is very weird and would make me uneasy

My son is 15, and I personally have no contact with my son's friends. When he was younger and didn't have a phone, I would facilitate playdates. I think it's a odd that your daughter's friends parent is messaging her, asking if she wants to come over. At 12, this type of communication should be through the girls themselves.

I would find this type of contact very odd.

You are not overreacting. I would tell the parent not to message my child directly, and given your update, I would be wary about my child going over to their house. They can hangout elsewhere or at yours. If its an innocent, thoughtless moment, the parent will understand your concerns and probably be mortified. If its something more sinister, they have been warned. Block her too.

@Upschittscreek1 what do you think the “l care about you” is all about? Is your ds having problems at home or school? Could he be talking to this woman about them?

Maybe the child is backwards at coming forwars and the parent often has to take control or they would never socialise

Sounds off to me. Especially when you say they ask if your child is free to come over and play with their kid - and that they “care” for them.

I would be worried about grooming and I would be speaking directly with the parent about it.

You'd message the parent in that case though, asking if they were free/wanted to come over surely?
Also "I care for you" - what's that all about? Bit over familiar.

So you take control by messaging a twelve year old? You might message the other parent and say ‘Juan would like to go to the match on Saturday with your Dave, I was wondering if they could get the number 47 in to town’.

You don’t message a twelve year old boy who is on the autism spectrum and tell them that you care about them because if you didn’t your own child would ‘never socialise’.

I have 3 teen DDs and this is absolutely not okay. I might message dd1’s girlfriend of 2 years (but she’s nearly 18). Dtds, I’d message the parent or get dc to message their friend. . They are 14 for context. I’ve known it happen in the twin’s group at school but that was one parent massively overstepping and they were called out by the other parent.

In order to support and protect your child, you sometimes have to deal with confrontation. That’s how it works as a parent.

I find this part really worrying too
Maybe

OPs DS is having some issue and telling the other family and not his own parents. Very worrying if so and other parent needs to get him to talk to his own mum. If this is it OP needs to ask friends mum what she knows.

OPs DS does not have any such issue but his friends drama llama mum thinks he does and is making an issue so she can be the heroic rescuer

Friends mum is grooming him for her own ends (very unusual but not impossible) or for her male partner (certainly something that is not unknown)

OPs son is young and ND and very vulnerable. I would absolutely stop him going over there until I could get to the bottom of this to my own satisfaction.

I message/on call with one of DS12 friends occasionally but it's always on his initiative and it's because he needs help with something and he doesn't want to bother his mum. His mum has cancer and is quite ill. I have told her about him contacting me and that I don't mind helping him (emotional support/advice) but that if anything serious I will make him tell her (told him this as well). She thanked me because she's so tired and he wants to protect her.

Aww bless you for helping him (I might have got something in my eye)
I think that’s a special kind of situation

I coach a girls football team and one of the first things they tell you on the safeguarding course is that all comms go through the parents, for your own protection and the child's. Totally inappropriate to message kids direct in my view.