12 yr olds friends parents messaging my child

[Upschittscreek1]

Hi, just putting this out there to see if this is normal or not? My 12 year old has a friend whom they spend some time with at their friends house quite a lot. This friends parent texts my child, is this weird? I don't like the idea of a grown adult messaging a child who isn't theirs? Is this normal? I wouldn't dream of messaging one of my children's friends even if I knew them well? my child is on the spectrum and so quite young for their age, I am also neurodivergent so not sure if I am overreacting? People's views would be good

What are they texting? Does their child have a phone?

Depends what they are messaging? A quick happy birthday or something wouldn't worry me, but i'd dissuade anything regular I think.

No, not normal

No not normal in my experience and I would be uncomfortable with it.

Who exactly is messaging and what’s in the messages ?

I sometimes message my DDs friend to tell DD to look at her phone. I don't think that's weird?

Is it definitely the parent messaging? My DD’s friend uses her mum’s phone as she doesn’t have her own.

Depends on the messages. As they spend a lot of time at their house, it would be ok to send messages like ´ hey for you and my kids cinema night what snacks do you like and are allowed to have?´
or ‘We found your headphones, let us know if you need the quick or not’

Depends also on their policy of a cell phone for their kid. Usually a kid will text a kid these things, but if your kid has a phone but they don’t allow their kid a phone, then they will likely just text directly because they can’t tell their kid ask Timmy what he likes for snacks or tell Timmy we found his headphones.

Well it depends what they're saying to each other obviously?

I think those examples are still weird. Normally I would text the parent to ask those questions. I've never even known the phone numbers of my children's friends unless my child has used the phone to call me.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. It should be DC contacting each other. If your DC’s friend doesn’t have a phone, then their parent should let their child use their phone if they need to message (and this would be clear that it’s the child messaging). I certainly wouldn’t message a 12 year old that was just a friend of my DC.

I wouldn’t like it either, not normal in my experience

Their child has a phone which is why I don't understand the need for them to text? They will text my child asking if they want to come over instead of their child asking? I just think its weird if their child wants to see my child why doesn't the child ask? Also without saying too much as don't want it to be recognised they put 'I care about you' don't know if I'm overreacting or being over protective?

I have never sent a text to any of my three dcs friends and they’re young adults now. It’s weird and saying I care about you is creepy. I’d ask your child to respond every time politely asking them to text you.

With your update OP I think it’s really inappropriate. I think I would send polite message saying something along lines of preferring the kids to arrange meet-ups etc and for her to contact you not DC if there is anything that adults are needing to be involved with.

No this is over stepping and I wouldn’t like it. I would be encouraging your child to pass the phone to you when they get a message and then reply from your phone every time “Hi X said you messaged about coming over that’s no problem let me know times if you need to message back you can contact me directly”

I would also discuss with your child about appropriate boundaries and other adults.

Yeah, i wouldn't like that

Is this a man?

Not normal

I have once or twice texted my son’s friend (1) if I’m trying to find him eg is he still on the rugby pitch? He’s not answering his phone or (2) if I am collecting him. It is incredibly rare and I usually drop the mum a short message to say so. I would not approve of regular contact. Now my son is 16 and it is rather different, but I’m still very careful only when absolutely necessary, about logistics etc

Thank you all, I was worried about overacting which I tend to do without realising it. Its a woman and my son. I've told her previously to pls let the children arrange to see each other when they want and not to message my son as they're old enough to sort out their own social lives now. I did also tell my son to text his friend if he wants to see him but unfortunately hes young and naive and has texted her, would it be too much to delete her number off his phone and tell her I've done that? I'm terrible at confrontation

I've had this with my DC of the same age.

DC went to their house and after the mum was messaging (from their own phone) saying how lovely it was having them and you're welcome anytime etc.

I didn't like it at all and DC also felt uncomfortable about it. It's not happened since (DC has not been back there), but if it did I would do what a poster up thread suggested and text back from my phone.

Saying 'I care about you' is another level of weird though, and in that situation I would probably have all future meet ups at my house instead; or just encourage new friendships entirely depending on how close they are.

Given the extra detail about the content of the messages, I'd say it's not appropriate.

I do have the phone numbers for lots of my DCs' friends but usually because they've been shared with me when batteries have been low and a DC is messaging from that friend's phone. I can think of one occasion in 20 years of parenting that I've used any of these numbers to contact one of the friends and that was because my 13-yr-old hadn't come home from school, hadn't been in touch, it was getting dark and wasn't answering their phone. I messaged to ask if they had seen DC and if they were with them, to ask DC to make contact.

In your situation, I would be inclined to block the parent's number, do what another poster suggested; make sure your DC doesn't reply but that you do instead, or contact the parent and ask them to message you with questions/invitations to come over instead of your DC.

Not OTT at all!

I would tell my child they are not to message the parent at all and all messages from them are to be directed to me.

If it continued I would feel no shame in blocking the number.

If you dislike confrontation- Just make sure your child always sends a reply to the child instead until they get the message

I’d drop a note to mum being more direct: pls do not message my ds directly. Either message me. Or ask your son to contact mine. And then I’d ask my child to block the mum’s number having explained it is inappropriate for her to have his number.