Adoption or Surrogacy

[Dg33]

Hello. Looking for parents who've adopted a child or had a child through surrogacy. I'd like to know your experiences. What you found easy, hard, the process (if from UK) everything you're willing to share.

I can't carry another child due to medical reasons which would put both mine and baby's life at risk. Hubby and I are seriously looking into this and I'd love to hear from someone who's done it. We do have a child already. So we won't be ftp.

Thank you

Yeah I guess mine at 15 years old wAs just me not giving a dam

My best friend at school was adopted and absolutely lovely. Lots of adopted children are and grow into fantastic adults.

I've had therapy. Trauma therapy to be specific. Not bevause of this, because of a different and very personal matter.

I've had CBT, mindfulness therapy. All kinds. I don't believe I'm entitled to have another child. It was actually my therapist who suggested adoption as an alternative to not being able to have another child myself.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Thank you for sharing your story. This is actually very helpful and sort of the advice I was after. We are trying to work out if adoption is right for our little family of three.

I highly doubt that it will be and we might just end up accepting our fate and cherish our boy even more. We are incredibly lucky to have him

@StealthMama My situation is very complex and my PPD and PTSD that ties with it makes it even more complex. My final session with my trauma therapist included a vision of what I would look like as finally being happy and able to live with the life I've been forced to live.

It included a family of four (I don't know why it just did) and he told me to cling on to that dream. Do whatever it takes to make it a reality and now it won't be..

I'm sorry for your losses op.

he told me to cling on to that dream

I think this was terrible advice. Some therapists simply aren't very good. We treat their pronouncements as wisdom but they often aren't.

I’m really sympathetic OP, and understand as a mum in a very similar situation, although my child is older now.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think the ‘buying a baby’ comments were about adoption, I think they were about surrogacy. People have strong feelings about it, I happen to agree with those feelings, but not going to repeat anything already said as you’ve done more research into it now.

Sorry to say, I’m not sure this was very sensible advice from your therapist. Unfortunately, sometimes the size family we can have is simply beyond our control, it was for me. Clinging to that dream or taking a ‘whatever it takes’ strategy isn’t going to be healthy for you, because sometimes there is just nothing you can do and could push you into making decisions that aren’t actually the right thing for your family.

That’s not to say that I don’t think you should adopt- more informed posters than me can provide better advice. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, and I wonder if this is something you really need to make a decision about right now. Sometimes, it can help to take a break from struggling against it and think, just for now, I’m going to focus on healing and enjoying the family I have. I’ll revisit this in a year/a few years/ whenever feels right for you.

In my case, I decided that my own trauma meant I wouldn’t be able to give a child with a traumatic background what they needed, because I wasn’t healed myself. So I parked the decision, thinking that I’d revisit now and then to see if anything had changed, and if it had, I could change course. I made a conscious effort to notice the benefits of having an only child- they didn’t always feel like they outweighed the sadness of not having more, but trying to notice when things actually feel ok can be helpful for making peace with it. I found that as my child got older, the perks of having an only became more apparent.

Several years on, and I’ve accepted it and feel happy with just one. I didn’t even notice it happening, it felt better in small increments. I’ll always feel a pang at not being able to have more children, but it’s not raw, and truly appreciate the upsides of having an only child. Also, I’ve made huge progress with my mental health and processing my trauma. It’s just my advice, and it may not be right for you, but I found I wasn’t able to reach acceptance until I got out of the ‘I must do something about this right now’ mindset and started thinking ‘these are big decisions and there’s no need to pressure myself.’

For you, it might be totally different, and you might come to the conclusion that adoption is the right path for you and feel totally confident moving forward with that decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness and peace.

I’m an adopter of 20 years. My advice is to get a dog. And I don’t even like dogs. Heck, I’d even recommend getting a tank of goldfish. Seriously, I would not recommend it.

Adoption or child trafficking?

Do you really need to ask?

Surrogacy is abhorrent.

And get a reputable therapist not a dodgy one like this.

If your therapist knew you had a health condition where pregnancy/ child birth could kill you or the baby the they were a very very bad therapist.

if they didn’t know this, then they couldn’t have known the consequences of such a vision being in achievable and would have encouraged something different.

I’m sorry to be blunt but, given your trauma background, PPD and PTSD, do you really think you are equipped to take on the challenges of either an adopted child and the extra needs they have or the stress of Surrogacy, including the losses often occurring before a baby is even born. Including the impact on your existing child who presumably has no say in this whatsoever?

Honestly , you need a new vision, one that doesn’t centre on another humans life being the only means of bringing you joy.

I say this as someone who also had to stop at one child despite desires for more. I am not entitled. There are thousands of disappointments in life and thousands of ways to find joy and contentment in a different way. You should find a therapist to help you with this.

You are brave to post on here but I love hearing about surrogacy from people who have actually experienced it. Im glad it has worked out for you both.

Ill be honest that therapist does sound unhelpful. However I also agree you shouldn’t give up! Op could be the best parent for adoption as she has an incredible drive. She should definitely be exploring this dream.

So sorry you have secondary infertility must be tough.

A friend has adopted on her own sadly the damage has been done by the birth “family” so it’s been hard. She admits if she’d known how hard she wouldn’t have done it.

Surrogacy you would get your baby but at the cost of another person. It’s an evil trade. So if you’re someone who can live with themselves afterwards its an option but if you have a conscience surely it would kill you taking a newborn baby from its mother.

Yes.
I think this is ill advised at best, but eeally its terrible terrible advice too.

Honestly it sounds like youve been through a lot.

UK adoption as others have said isnt an easy road.
Surrogacy without belaboring my views wouldnt be for me.

Id be looking to make my peace with a family of 3.

Literally all the young families on our road only have one child. Seems the new norm anyway.

@dg33 , major respect to you for being able to come back and discuss this when you’ve been challenged; also to have taken on the feedback about surrogacy. I posted previously saying many people haven’t thought this through and I appreciate you acknowledging you are one of those. I do hope other people can also be educated on threads like this and encourage other posters to be informative but not attacking.

The expenses in the uk are significant, so while it’s not ‘buying a baby’ on the face of it, effectively it is - £12k is basically a years wage for someone vulnerable. So just to explain that is what people mean when they are talking about buying and selling babies, trafficking etc.

Anyway, I’m glad you’ve ruled that out. I’ve worked within the adoption system and it is an amazing thing to do, but as others have said, it is generally quite a different life to the vision we might have. But it’s worth saying that so is life with our birth children! Generally hanging on to set visions of how our life should be hurts and limits us.

But yes, children needing adoption have at the very least had the experience of loss of their birth family which is traumatic, and often a whole lot of other negative experiences too, often multiple caregivers before they get to you. And yes the assessment process is intrusive and you’d need to share with the assessor about your own trauma. I’d say theres no harm in you meeting with the council or an adoption agency to chat and ask questions, just for you to feel clear if it is or not for you and your existing family.

I’m bristling a bit at your husband reacting to women’s strong responses - hopefully you can understand more why women are reacting strongly - we’re talking about the needs of vulnerable babies and children here - but I appreciate as you say that you are both struggling with a huge personal issue. Speaking to adoption workers will help you be clear on what it all means for the child you would adopt, and be honest with yourselves whether you can offer them that or not. All the best.

Would you consider fostering? If you fostered a baby that might be a step towards their eventual permanent placement with you, although fostering would of course involve facilitating daily contact with the baby’s parents. Contact is essential as obviously the hope is that the baby can return to their parents…If that sounds difficult then that’s a glimpse into why this is such a contentious area. But many people find fostering extremely rewarding and your local fostering service would welcome you with open arms!

You should really really think about adopting from the UK. Why would you want to expose your own child to a drug/alcohol dependant parents’ offspring? The adoptive child will have so many mental and physical issues, that whole of your existing family’s lives will be turned into a nightmare. I know couple of families who adopted, and, after 4 years, both are on a verge of divorce, going through counselling and regretting it. Someone, who was born with alcohol/drug in their blood and seen hell at home for the first couple of years of their life, while SC gave their mother chance after chance to sort herself out, can not grow into a lovely, calm child- no matter how much love you will give them.
I absolutely know I will be flamed for my opinion on here, but I don’t care. I have seen with my own eyes what has happened. One family adopted the child from birth. Another- 2yo + their new-born sibling.

Coming back in to say maybe adoption is for you,or as pp said maybe fostering too,you go sound like you have a lot of love to give!
I do recommend a gap,my gap is 5 years and that's worked really well as schools there,the older child can physically do things for themselves etc so you can manage the needs of the littlest easier and the are very high needs.the process is slow though,ours took 3 years, so you can just start anyway as all slow.but they do need good amount of time before starting after any IVF and they will look into that with you.
I recommend coming over to the adoption board on here it's very different to the rest of Mumsnet,it's very supportive.
And see adoption UK and just read up all you can to see if the right step for you.some good starter reading is sally Donovan's no matter what,and the a and f podcast is excellent,another good starting point.
Everyone has different experiences in adopting of course.adoption UK's adoption barometer is useful to see numbers so have a look at that.

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions. I understand why you would think he was a bad therapist but he actually helped me continue working in my job and gave me the tools I needed to keep going. I couldn't possibly explain how much he has helped me. At the time there was a small chance that we could have another child but now there is zero. It was twelve months ago.

Tbh, we are very much sitting on the fence about expanding our family anyway. This is why I wanted to reach out and ask peoples experience. There are too many questions and a lot at risk. I understand the risks and challenges we may face, we are in no position to make a decision yet. Hubby just happened to mention it once after little one was in bed and hope bloomed in my chest.

Maybe I will find happiness in our family of three. Hearing the news of not being able to have another baby has reopened old wounds. Ones that had only just healed and now I'm left feeling like another life has been torn away from me.

The only thing I will be doing for now is focusing on my family and healing/physically and mentally.

putting aside all the ethical issues people have with surrogacy, all being well you end up with a really healthy baby and because you take it from birth the attachment issues just aren’t a problem. However, it is very difficult to even find surrogate mothers in the UK.

Adoption by contrast, is a very noble choice and clearly life changing for the child,but one absolutely littered with issues. Gone are the days when a nice young woman got pregnant out of wedlock and wants to give up her baby and sign it over at birth. You will take on a child who has been abused in some kind of way. With neglect, alcohol, drugs, and I’m not entirely sure you always get to know ahead of time. The child will of course have all the issues that come with that. I directly know two people who have adopted. One adopted two children and she’s had her issues with one of the children but ultimately he has come through and they are a really happy little family. Another, the child is highly problematic and ultimately there has been a breakdown of a marriage, exacerbated by the delinquency of said child. Obviously difficult children and delinquency and marriage breakdown can all happen in any sort of scenario, it is just more likely to happen with adoption.

Personally, I would go for adoption. I love the possibility of giving a young child a chance in a system where too many little people are forgotten and neglected. And as long as all of you in your family are on board with it, you can pull together to make it happen.

Also I geuinley did want to help a child who needs a forever home. A family member works in a very deprived school here in the UK. They have told me why children need adopting and some of the reasons are truly harrowing.

I don't see adoption as a way to fulfill a dream of mine, I see it as helping an innocent child who could have an amazing life with us. I don't see it as an easy way to have children. I know people who have chosen to adopt just because they don't like the thought of giving birth. I don't see it like that at all. Just to clarify.

Adoption or surrogacy won't heal the trauma of finding out you can't carry another child.

You need to come to terms with this regardless.

Starting on a journey to take on a child when you haven't resolved this, isn't a healthy starting point.

Aspiring to still have four children from this unhealthy starting point, is even worse. It's setting yourself up to fail.

Appreciate what you do have. And if you still want another child after resolving your own problems then take it one step at a time and see each child as a individual with needs rather than just a number to match your target vision.

Quite honestly with the best will in the world it's unrealistic - you either need to be super loaded AND deeply unethical to get around the barriers of having not just one surrogate child but three or you haven't really got the best interests of your own child and the three adopted children front and central.

It's a me me me narrative. It needs to switch from that to one which doesn't see children as a prop for your mental health issues.

Don't bring any child into this without resolving your existing issues because both surrogacy and adoption have so many pitfuls that you don't really seem in the right head space to deal with right now.

If you are serious about another child you really need to get to a healthy thought process first. A dream target of four is not the foundation of that.

Please don’t go into adoption with a saviour mindset.