Adoption or Surrogacy

[Dg33]

Hello. Looking for parents who've adopted a child or had a child through surrogacy. I'd like to know your experiences. What you found easy, hard, the process (if from UK) everything you're willing to share.

I can't carry another child due to medical reasons which would put both mine and baby's life at risk. Hubby and I are seriously looking into this and I'd love to hear from someone who's done it. We do have a child already. So we won't be ftp.

Thank you

@ilovepixie do you realise how ignorant you sound? Think of how many celebrities have been surrogates (rather than how many have used surrogates) and then wonder why there is such a big difference between the two

The separation from the mother can be very traumatic for babies. A newborn's first primary relationship is with the gestational mother, and separation from this caregiver (the surrogate) at birth can be a significant event, similar to adoption separation, potentially affecting early attachment formation.
Children may also struggle with the concept that they grew in someone else's womb, especially if their origins are kept secret, leading to distress or identity confusion as they grow older.

@Lollylavender children may also have an issue that they were treated as a commodity, something to be bought

This article was a real eye opener for me about the possible problems and the total lack of support.

www.theguardian.com/society/2025/may/21/deeply-traumatic-the-families-failed-by-a-broken-post-adoption-system-in-england?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

My advice is neither. Surrogacy is evil. And adoption is incredibly hard. Incredibly. I know a few wonderful adoptive parents and it’s a dedicated, caring, hard road.

My advice is also neither.

Adoption can be a very smooth and positive process, in every case I've known it's been wonderful 👌 xxx

Do you live in the UK?

Be thankful for the child that you have, and don’t do either.

In the UK relinquished babies are rare - adoptions are more often from local authority care which presents its own challenges.

I’m not a supporter of surrogacy either. I don’t think either option is an easy road.

Neither. I'd suggest acceptance of your current situation, even if that means needing some therapy to come to terms with having one child.

Your child will not suffer without siblings, they may well suffer with a traumatised child added into the household. Potentially leaving them vulnerable themselves.

I don't think either is a good solution, so I'm all for acceptance of having one child in this situation.

In the UK all adoptions are via the local authority. If you want to relinquish a baby you have to go to social services. There is no private adoption here.

To adopt you have to want to help a traumatised child, with all that entails, rather than see it as a way to complete your family.

going to be blunt: Surrogacy is immoral child trafficking. Don't do it.

no. Adoption is not simple and you need to go into it with your eyes wide open.

Or come to terms with not having a(nother) child.

But Surrogacy is human trafficking. And should be banned.

My advice would be neither. You already have one child. I can't see any advantage to that child by bringing an adopted child into their life, and I wouldn't deliberately inflict trauma onto a new child and its gestational mother by using a surrogate. Sorry.

Yes and have a lot of experience with adoption. Xx

Loads of celebrities do drugs too. Doesn't make it a good choice.

@Chinsupmeloves I guess you haven’t been involved with any of the cases that have been in the news lately

Adoption can be wonderful (mine was) but it certainly isn’t something to go into lightly

And you would describe the process to someone considering it as smooth, positive and wonderful? No caveats? No traumatised children, no ACE, no regrets, no issues with support from SS, no acknowledgment of the chances of trauma to their current child, no mention of things as diverse as increased chance of drug use, educational struggles, risky sexual behaviour, attachment issues, nothing?

Blimey you must know some outliers. That’s not to say I don’t know some happy adoptive families. But I’ve been a shoulder to cry in for typical (and by that I mean with the challenges it brings) ones too.

so you are in favour?
Why?

Sorry, yes, I didn’t mean to imply the opposite! I meant more that it’s not like you see on US TV where a pregnant teen willingly hands over a newborn to social services to be placed with another family - it’s more likely a child has been removed from a family with which they have some attachment and contact, and all the associated difficulties that can go along with that.

Neither. Surrogacy is exploitative and cruel. Adoption can be wonderful but is extremely hard- if you're seeing it as an alternative to surrogacy I'd suggest it's probably not the right thing for you.

Surrogacy and adoption are one and the same at a basic level. A child is removed from it's gestational mother (and often not related to at least one parent) and placed in another home.

In one scenario the child has, or was at grave risk of, being abused/neglected. That child now has a safe and loving home.

In the other instance, the child was deliberately conceived in order to be removed. That child has a lot of the same separation trauma as an adopted child without the benefit of being in a more loving and stable family.

Please do not put your own perceived hardship over the very real hardship you would be creating for a child conceived by surrogacy.

My adopted DD's trauma is largely due to her experiences in her birth family prior to being adopted. Not because she has been adopted.

Having said that, yes, I had to parent a child with significant trauma. It has not always been easy, mostly because of the ignorance and arrogance of supposed 'professionals'. It has been very rewarding, even when difficult.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to even begin to find a way of telling her about becoming her mother if she had been born through surrogacy. As opposed to - she needed a parent who would give her the care she needed, and i wanted to be a mum. So we both got what we needed/ wanted in our lives.

i don’t know enough about it to make a judgement.