Adoption or Surrogacy

[Dg33]

Hello. Looking for parents who've adopted a child or had a child through surrogacy. I'd like to know your experiences. What you found easy, hard, the process (if from UK) everything you're willing to share.

I can't carry another child due to medical reasons which would put both mine and baby's life at risk. Hubby and I are seriously looking into this and I'd love to hear from someone who's done it. We do have a child already. So we won't be ftp.

Thank you

I'm sorry. While being very specific to you, your birth family experiences are not uncommon - one of my girls was dropped on her head and the birth mother had form going back to her older children for munchausens by proxy which no one picked up on when she started doing similar to her younger ones. Birth dad admitted to rape of a minor and went to prison.

I have spent the last 25 years sorting out the mess they caused and I am fed up with people who were simply relinquished as babies telling me that current day adoption is unethical. My girls' lives started looking up immensely once they were placed with us.

We don't have the awful experience you describe. But hard enough.

Clueless (or sarcastic)

Adopting is an amazing thing, yes it’s not for everyone but there are children needing homes 56 in my county alone according to our council. Whilst some will have complex issue, not all will, my friend is awaiting news on the birth of her new child, the mother cannot raise the baby (10th child to be removed) and has already done the preliminary paperwork to give up the child to enable them to go to their intended family straight from the hospital on condition they get annual contact.

I feel like I’m living in Groundhog Day now, yes, I will be accused of being rude. So, no adopted child ‘escapes’ being removed from their primary carer ie their birth mother, the person who has given them life. No tiny baby is a blank slate whose history with their birth family can be erased. Being removed from their birth mother, whose heartbeat they have heard for nine months, is regarded as a primal wound.

What do you find interesting about it?

As an adopter of 20 years, I find it interesting that a child who has experienced the primal wound of being removed from their birth mother and handed to a non-biological-related caregiver is apparently thriving. Not in the same way that the majority of young people of adopters I know (I know lots), who were mainly born addicted to drugs and alcohol and who had experienced domestic abuse and or chaos or dysfunction pre-natally. I find it interesting because adoption has taken me down the rabbit holes of epigenetics and genetics and how nurture cannot outrun nature. That okay as an explanation for you?

Not sure why the aggressive question at the end but yes, that contributes to the discussion. I'm not sure one point of anecdata is worth spending a lot of thought on though, especially as it's from a biased source.

If that child is complex issue free I will be amazed.

And here's the thing - your friend believes it, so she won't ask for help to be written into the plan. She will parent this child like a regular kid and won't be prepared for issues that arise. She will have to join the long queue for support like any other parent.

I would say that social services are doing her an utter disservice. Adopters have been crying out for more robust post adoption support and trying to educate prospective adopters but still people go ahead and take on children, including new born babies, assuming that love will be enough.

I’ll leave the OP to do their own reading and research here. There is plenty for them to digest from all the adopters on this thread. Real-life stories not ‘anecdata’.

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime

Im an adopter and now foster carer.

I'm all for putting forward a balanced view of adoption. I regard the adoption of my son as a success. Whilst the last 14 years have not been without its challenges, its been nothing of the order of others.
My son is at uni, is stable and happy. I know lots of adoptive families where there have been good and positive outcomes.
I also know many families who share similar experiences to @ThePieceHall.
Sadly she is not alone and her real life experiences and the struggles of her and her daughters should not be dismissed as biased anecdote and not worthy of thought.
Its the luck of the draw whether a prospective adopter ends up like her or me is the luck of the draw.
People need to know and accept the risk.

I haven't dismissed her story. It's the person who claims to have bought a baby and considers it a great success that I think should be treated with caution.

The struggles of adoption are well known and I certainly don't have to be convinced that it isn't usually smooth sailing.

Of course not! But to say “stay put and stick with 3” because it’s difficult. Or she can get heavily involved and it might be for her.

I have two adopted cousins. Both have some issues as sort but both very much loved and part of the family.

My friend is facing similar ThePiece. Heartbreaking the damage early neglect can do. Plus the unmentionable - genetics from
the parents.

My daughter is very much loved by me and by my family. Nowhere have I said ‘stay put and stick with three’. I think you are conflating posts. I have simply given the OP a snapshot of my existence. This is what the OP asked for.

Agreed. Yes, it makes total sense that genetics and epigenetics come into play here. There are massive heritability factors for neurodivergences and mental health conditions. There are often multi generations of trauma and undiagnosed and untreated disorders. It’s nigh on impossible for your average Mumsnetter, so a pretty savvy, sharp-elbowed person, to secure diagnoses and treatments. Imagine if you were trapped in insecure housing in a domestic abuse situation where professionals judged you and set you up to fail? I see why people resort to alcohol and drugs to self-medicate.