Adoption or Surrogacy

[Dg33]

Hello. Looking for parents who've adopted a child or had a child through surrogacy. I'd like to know your experiences. What you found easy, hard, the process (if from UK) everything you're willing to share.

I can't carry another child due to medical reasons which would put both mine and baby's life at risk. Hubby and I are seriously looking into this and I'd love to hear from someone who's done it. We do have a child already. So we won't be ftp.

Thank you

I know 2 adults who were adopted as babies - both very well rounded, successful and happy people.
I know many children who have 2 parents, not adopted but have unimaginable trauma for various reasons. Your implication that adopted children = problems is very narrow minded.

For good reason. Buying babies isn’t the answer to childlessness.

@Soontobe60 I am adopted and have had a pretty wonderful life, I am not that naive to think that it is the same for everyone. In fact one of my adopted siblings has struggled with being adopted, which has had an impact on them and the rest of the family.

Many children put up for adoption nowadays already have had a traumatic background before you bring adoption into the picture

A woman up the road from me had a surrogate. After years of failed IVF and miscarriages, a dear friend of hers offered to carry a baby for her. The only difficulty was that the baby was born during lockdown so the mother could not be present at the birth. Instead, the baby was united with her (biological) parents a week later. She is the most loved, delightful child.

Another local woman adopted two young girls (aged 3 and 4) who had been in foster care since being neglected by their birth mother. When they started the process, the younger girl was only a year old. That's how long it takes. They were told there were no special needs. However, whilst one has done OK, the other has severe behaviour difficulties caused by ADHD, autism and attachment difficulties. She has been in and out of school; truancy, school refusing, bullying etc. Fortunately, her dedicated and determined parents have now got her in a private special school, paid for by the LA because her behaviour is too severe for any other option within a ten mile radius. What will happen to her when she turns 18? It is a headache and a heartache for her long suffering parents.

I have a daughter through surrogacy, she is now nearly 24 and it has been a wonderful and totally positive experience for us all. My daughter knew about her birth mother from a very young age and as a result feels she has always known. She has no issues and certainly no trauma. As soon as she was born, I was the first person (other than the midwife) to hold her. We are still in touch with her birth mother and her birth mother’s children. We have a very special friendship and I will be eternally grateful to her for giving me the chance to be a mum.

I think the most generous explanation for your post is that you haven’t thought this through. Many people have the idea that surrogacy is this selfless gift one woman offers another. Women who offer this probably often believe this themselves. But it’s so much more nuanced than that.

Women who get into surrogacy are often financially vulnerable and can get paid I think up to £12k expenses in the uk. Have you ever heard of a rich woman carrying a baby for a woman who has little? Think about the exploitation involved.

You are aware that pregnancy carries high risks for women, in childbirth and beyond. How is it ethical to allow someone to take this risk for you?

As you’ll know, babies are uniquely bonded to their mother, ie the woman whose body nurtured them. They recognise her voice, heart rate etc. In the case of adoption and the decision that a child cannot remain with their family - this is a necessary but traumatic rupture. The best we can make of a bad situation. Surrogacy is inflicting that upon a child deliberately, to meet adult wants.

I know, infertility is horrific. But it doesn’t entitle us to do any of these things to other people. Surrogacy must be banned. Please all of you have not given this thought, think it through. It’s not that MN is specifically anti surrogacy - it’s a community of intelligent and compassionate women who have thought this through and taken the only ethical stance there is.

Of course, that goes without saying and we are all aware of the difficulties and trauma that goes with it. My point was not to disbandon the idea because of these risks if you are committed to giving a young child a living home. Most I know and my line of work have adopted babies, which isn't without its own issues naturally, but the actual process of adopting can be smooth and so yes truly wonderful. Xx

Have you considered therapy to break through why you and your husband feel entitled to a second child?

why is your life as it is, so unfulfilling for you?

you need to unpack this.

We had our DD with a first round of IVF. After several failed IVF attempts, we decided to start the adoption process. We ended up withdrawing from the process. It was intrusive and intense. We also took a step back and looked at it from the perspective of how it would affect our current family. How the needs of the child coming in would impact our daughter’s life. I grieved the family we wouldn’t have. I learnt to accept the family we were. I now truly love being a triangle family and wouldn’t switch it for the world.

I hope you manage to figure out what is right for your family. Perhaps find some more forums that hold more knowledge and support in the topics you’re after

Thanks for the advice guys, the genuine advice.

Those who are assuming I don't know what adoption entails, I do. I have distant family and colleagues who've adopted children and live a wonderful life. I'm from the UK so "buying a baby" isn't legal and is actually sickening to assume I was suggesting that. I know what adoption entails and the challenges it comes with. I'm prepared for all of that. I know why children are put up for adoption and I've seen first hand what a loving family can be for an adopted child.
I asked for advice of those who'd adopted and I'm grateful for the genuine comments. It's my first and last post on mumnset cause it's just toxic..

Those who came to have a go and put me down... You should be ashamed of yourselves. Thanks for destroying my last shred of hope. I've always dreamed of having a big family, I'm devestated that I can't carry another child. recent news and when I as for advice and support, I get hounded by a pack of wolves. Call yourselves mums??
You have no idea what I've been through and still going through. How dare you judge me like that!

from your update you talk a lot about 'me me me' but don't put a shred of thought about surrogacy and stripping a newborn from its birth mother. I'm not discounting what you've been through. I had my daughter with IVF, I know the yearning feeling. But if you chose surrogacy you're doing to for your wants and wishes, not the baby taken away from all they've known for 9 months. It's cruel.

I’m sorry you didn’t like learning about why surrogacy is cruel to the baby and commodifying the mother. But it’s true 🤷🏽

I've put a hell of a lot of thought into it. All of it, from start to finish. It's all I can think about. I grew up in a large and close knit family. I've not researched surrogacy the same as I personally don't agree with that myself. I've done extensive research into adoption though. Hubby asked me to post this for genuine experiences. Not political views and purposely destroying the dreams of someone you don't even know. He is actually disgusted by some of your comments..

You've just said you haven't researched surrogacy so you've just been informed some honest truths about it? You have a child already. Some aren't that lucky.

and no research can determine whether the child you adopt will come with trauma, illness disability etc. its impossible to know. Adoption should always be the last resort a baby should always be with their birth mother unless they're in danger. You shouldn't adopt to fulfil your family dreams. You should only adopt if you want to theoretically save the child.

Hi. I think the surrogacy part has derailed the adoption part tbh.

I have two adopted children who are both adults now. I was heavily involved in adoption support groups and I reckon I have known several hundred families this way, plus knowing local adopters.

And tbh I can't think of anyone who hasn't had struggles of one kind or another.

My two look like success stories now but we had lots of issues along the way. Most people don't understand - most adopters try to keep quiet about the difficulties.

I believe it can be very rewarding to adopt, but chances are it will bring issues and the problem is the possible effect on your birth child.

I would say you can still have a big family, but leave a decent gap between the adopted children and your birth child. You can adopt a sibling group and have your big family that way. But imo leave a gap.

MN is notoriously anti surrogacy. I have been surprised by the level of vitriol in some posts (other threads). I haven’t really considered the subject and I didn’t think it was v common at all, so it surprises me. I don’t know if they feel the same way about women using donor eggs, but recognise this isn’t a possibility for you.

OP, if you are looking at adoption, be prepared for a v long and intrusive process. My understanding from others who have gone down this path in recent years is that many of the children have been taken from parents for care reasons and have underlying traumas and behaviour issues, understandably. Obviously not all, but it is far from an easy road. I would be v wary of the impact it might have on your existing child and relationship. I don’t think I would have been strong enough to go down that path, but that’s not to say you aren’t or that you shouldn’t look into it. A friend said that in her round of adoptions, overwhelmingly the families that were adopting already had one birth child already, same as you.

It's the first time I've even looked at this website so I didn't know. I'm from the UK and my parents were very close friends with a couple who fostered children. They also had children of their own who accepted and adjusted well to it. I grew up watching children who had a very unfortunate and upsetting start in life, have a wonderful future ahead of them. I've seen first hand, the struggles and I know how or why children end up being adopted.

I understand people's views and why they think it's selfish. I had a dream to have a large, loving family and it's been shattered. We were just looking at other, safe and ethical options to make our dream a reality.

To those who might say surrogacy isn't ethical, I didn't know... That's why I asked. Now I do know. Please don't judge someone you don't know on the internet. You have no idea what damage it could do to someone..

Following from my Op. I've done more research and I now know the risks of surrogacy. No this isn't an attempt at redemption or w.e

I'd never forgive myself if something hapoened to either the pregnant woman or baby. Hubby suggested the surrogacy without knowing the risks. You don't know me or why I've suddenly changed my post. Just know this, I experienced the devestating loss of my mother whilst I was pregnant. Also the loss of a baby a few months before that. This is why I wouldn't forgive myself..

You're grieving a life you won't have. Adopting is needed but pretending that you can adopt children and create the image you had is really worrying. As PP said, you could wait until your child is older and think about a sibling group. But I worry about your belief that trauma impacted children will have a wonderful future. They may well have a safer, better, more hopeful future. And that's great. But do you know trauma is deep and permanent? Because if you don't, and you try to fit children with trauma into your image of a family, it could be really damaging.

And tell your DH that often men find us disgusting because they aren't used to women speaking honestly, candidly and truthfully when we are together.

MN may not give you what you want. Sometimes it's what you need.

You are not owed a big family at the expense of the mother and baby.

Very very sorry for your losses. Losing your mother and your child is unspeakably awful.

Seems wrong to not support the mother who wanted the baby but it was forced from her via adoption

I've seen the 'image' I have first hand as I mentioned above. I've seen children flourish in foster care and through adoption. I know it can happen, I'm aware it rarely happens but it can.

We are planning on waiting until our child is older so he is able to understand. We haven't even made a decision to adopt. Just having a conversation and reaching out at this point.

As far as trauma goes, after four years of trauma therapy and a diagnosis of complex PTSD, yes I'm aware how deep it runs. I'm not about to explain to you what happened but it is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.. And I have no way of escaping it fully.

My DH saw his wife in tears after reading some of these comments. Of course he is going to defend me.

In the UK most mothers keep their babies. There has to be a court order to remove a baby and that needs evidence of likely harm to the baby. The baby will go to foster carers while social services plan the next steps. But most children in the UK who are adopted are older when taken into care.

Didn't ask for that but okay. Point taken. UK resident here, so we will be going down the legal and safest route possible. That's if we decide to adopt.