I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

I’m choosing to go from what OP is describing.

I don’t think it’s helpful in anyway to support OP by telling her that her daughter is frightening, or scary etc. She needs talking down and support to de-escalate, not making worse.

I’ve given her actual helpful advice, from the perspective of someone that lives with a child who punched me in the face yesterday because his t-shirt was too dark. Actual lived experience.

Have you got any of that available?

My kid is autistic and honestly our family are the most kind nurturing lovely family you could meet. When he was 6 like OPs child he was an absolute devil child. We got a lot of (ill informed) responses like yours - people convinced behind closed doors our house must be awful as he’d learned it somewhere.

Totally untrue. Some kids just respond to stress by behaving like psychopaths sadly. I can absolutely guarantee we were not shrieking or climbing or biting each other!

The good news is with lots of therapy and a different school situation he’s now a lovely delightful boy.

@helpmepleasea it can and will get better. But you can’t do it alone. I’m married and have supportive family but it’s taken an army of therapists and social workers etc to turn things round

Oh OP, I didn't want to read and run. This sounds like a living nightmare, no wonder you don't want to do it anymore. I'm so sorry.

She needs to phone the police. None of us are there. None of us know the situation, only what OP has described. None of us can diagnose the daughter.

Exactly. A meltdown in a nd child is like a panic attack in an adult.
She is scared and losing control. She laughs because people laugh when nervous/sressed/embarrassed.

A family support worker could help, the school could refer you?

She's passed out on the landing. 999 told me that they could maybe send someone out but that's about it
So is this it? Is this my life? I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm mother of the year but I've done my damn best. Her dad walked away at 7 weeks because it was hard. Well it's hard now so why am I still here? And for what? To be abused and screamed at. I've seen the horror stories of people going thru years of waiting and no help. I don't want to be here.
She'll be awake in a couple of hours. She hasn't slept through since she was born and if I'm asleep no doubt I'll be woken up with a kick or a slap
I'm done. I want out

If you really can’t cope anymore make sure she is left somewhere or with someone where she will be safe. I know you are at the end of your tether but please, please make sure she is safe.

It’s not your fault OP xxx

Exactly. It isn’t really relevant why the child is behaving as she is. The OP is in crisis so she needs help NOW.

None of us need to. This is a desperate, heightened woman with a daughter in crisis.

If she calls the police, there is a chance she will lose her daughter. Once the dust settles, that might be something she regrets.

I think it would be a huge shame if she took that step because a woman on the internet told her to.

It's incredibly hard to do more than react when you are under attack, and have been for the longest time. Things aren't as extreme in my home, but they're pretty significant, and despite knowing the reasons behind what's happening and completely understanding that it isn't my child's fault, I still find it hard to really feel it in the moment when things have escalated. OP is describing her reality, I don't see anybody doubting her, including me - I live a (less extreme) version of it too. What something looks like isn't always all there is to see though, and understanding what's behind a behaviour can help.

Interesting to read the call the police suggestions.

When my autistic kid was 6 I called SS and asked them to take my son into emergency care as we couldn’t cope. They said they would only do that if there was risk to child (from us) or physical risk to us but they didn’t believe a 6 year old could really harm us so were having none of it.

On a separate note many years back my mum called police because she couldn’t cope with me (I am now a stable, happy, educated adult but was also a devil child). They sectioned her.

I politely, but vehemently, disagree with you.

This is crisis point. She needs emergency support.

Did you say yes to them sending someone out? I'm so sorry OP, this sounds unimaginably difficult. You're taking all the right steps of going to speak to the SENCO at school - sorry if I missed this but what about social services?
You are doing the best you can. I really hope you have somebody you can talk to about this face to face, even just a GP. This must be indescribably difficult x

She'll be awake in a couple of hours.

What would you like to / be able to do for yourself in those couple of hours to try and re-centre yourself, just so you can get through tonight? There might be more people available as an out of hours service in the daytime.

I'm not suggesting that OP is doing anything wrong or is in any way responsible.

I was trying to be delicate, but put simply, I am wondering if there was or is something causing the child trauma, that OP might not be aware of, that's causing the behaviour. There might not be. As I said, I'm not an expert. Some of these things just sounded as if they were learned from somewhere, not necessarily from home.

If they really are the way autism presents sometimes, then at least the reason is known, but I would have lost it completely long before now in OP's shoes. It certainly sounds like an emergency situation to me.

Have you managed to ring your county council children's services duty line. This will then tie up with the 999 call. Yes, they do have social workers on duty on the emergency duty line. You're in crisis.

Please call 999, this is an emergency, and they will help you - tell them you are intending to leave her alone. Or do you feel able to tell us which county you are in, and we can find the out of hours social services number for you.

Call 111 option 2 and ask for camhs crisis. That is a 24/7 service by a children’s crisis team In your area. They should offer some support and advice

And whoever is suggesting that OP will lose her daughter if she contacts social services is wrong, that's not how it works

This sounds so so so tough OP. Hand hold from me.

is there any chance you can put a lock on your bedroom door (for yourself not suggesting locking your child in a room) to lock yourself in at night so you can sleep knowing you won’t be punched awake? Could that be a short term solution. It’s not illegal, plenty of parents have locks on their doors for sex etc

Yeah people always think this - and yes in a sense the behaviour is a response to stress. But it feels people always jump to ‘stress = abuse / violence / Trauma’ But the things that can be stressing an autistic kid out (and making them behave like absolute monsters, some of them, mine included) can be things we wouldn’t even think of as being stressful because these kids can be so sensitive.

With my son it was weird things like smells and temperatures and feeling left out at school. And when one by one we unpicked these things he calmed down and became lovely.

This is good advice