I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

@BertieBotts agree, those in charge of the system need to understand that the “let wait and see” approach doesn’t work. Early intervention is key. Specialist schools are needed.

OP, you are doing this all alone, I simply couldn’t have coped without DH. A couple of posters here have offered to help, please take up their offer.

My DS had to leave mainstream by the end of year 1. We were able to get him into a special school. There is light at the end of the tunnel, believe me, but, it won’t happen by magic. Unfortunately you will need to shout and scream (metaphorically speaking) until you are heard.

Just to say that our GP prescribed melatonin for our daughter of the same age. I’d say get everyone on board from the SENCO to the head, to the GP, get on every waiting list there is via the GP and school for OT, SALT, Play Therapy, Talk Therapy, CAMHS referral, and if she needs time out of school - as it sounds like she is in autistic burnout or nearing it - let her rest. Let her hang out in her room on a screen and allow her nervous system to recover. She is in fight or flight and needs time to know she is safe. All that masking at school, and then having to do homework and clubs….. ignore the pressure and remove all demands. Set her free from all the trauma of demands (a child like her perceives a demand in the same way we perceive a threat to life) ….. and show her she’s in a safe place. Does she relax on a screen? Give her a week off school and u limited screen time. When you go for an EHCP, even if you are on a waitlist, all these things help. School can get an Educational Psychologist on board, which also helps. Is there a smaller more nurturing school she can try? Ours has been amazing, she wouldn’t have coped at a larger school. Advocate for her, she needs rest. Also - ensure her days off are marked as sick days due to mental health, this makes a huge difference to your case. And join Facebook groups Not Fine In School and there’s a Parenting PDA one as well which is so useful, just to have some allies who have been where you are. I say give her some rest and let her reset. Kids do well when they can, but she is burned out from all the masking. Get everyone you can on your side and advocate for yourself as well as her, I honestly think with demands removed she will improve. We are a few years on from where you are and feel like we are totally out the other side. But EHCP is imperative for Alternative Provision - eg she could go to a forest school, or a special school with a one to one teacher where she may flourish. Assessment is key if you can get a diagnosis. Do make sure whoever you choose is PDA aware. Don’t listen to anyone who mentions ODD as that is an outdated diagnosis. PDA or ASD with demand avoidance is more likely. She deserves to access education in a way that is manageable for her, and you deserve a peaceful home life and to get back your daughter.

I have just caught up with this thread after I first posted yesterday evening. It’s heartbreaking. Are you ok OP?

I've read and appreciate everyone's reply. I am going to sit in school tomorrow to see the SENCO and I've ordered some discreet cameras. If I mention speaking to school in earshot of her she breaks down and begs me not to.
She slept till 3 and then woke me up by biting me on the arm demanding food. I'm just broken. I made her some toast and cried on the sofa and then she smashed the plate
Today the house is getting cleared and tbh whether she likes it or not I'm getting rid of the baby toys.
The house is full.
She's currently screaming again because... Well I don't even know
Thank you for all the help and if it's ok I'll continue posting

Please still consider calling your social care duty line to talk this through. I know it’s scary but Early Help assessment/support may be crucial alongside the educational side of things as school will not focus on what’s going on at home. The SENDCo should also be recommending and supporting this.
if you don’t get what you need from your SENDCo escalate to the Head Teacher or DSL (Designated safeguarding lead). I would also go back to your GP to discuss your own mental health needs.

When your child is aggressive and violent to you it results in something called "blocked care". Here's some info. If you think about it, it's quite irrational to love someone in the moment they're kicking your shins. None of us are saints.

Blocked-care-web.pdf https://share.google/rxtHVdqmJBumAAEt2

I don't think this is the day to bin the baby toys!

If there anything she finds regulating? A particular programme? A bath? Jumping on cushions? Whatever it is, do as much of that as possible today.

I am also willing to make lists and research practical sources of help in your local area if you like - pm me if you like.

By the way, I'm sure my parents would have reacted the same way as yours if DD had been violent to them. Fortunately she never was, only to us. They would have given me money for private assessments though I think. Do you think yours would? They must feel pretty guilty!

It’s v interesting she is so worried about you telling school. That suggests she is aware of right and wrong?
You are her safe place which is horrible because she’s so violent but hopefully this will be a turning point.
I would suggest if you are sorting out today to clear some space in a room that she can go to when she is deregulated - some soft spaces with not much else in so that she can’t destroy things easily. I would start the routine of placing her in the space when she is violent and walk away, shutting the door. She needs to not be able to get to you to break the cycle of attention = violence. She obviously has some understanding of what she is doing is wrong, that needs building on.
Im so sorry you are in this situation.

It's a good suggestion. I used to have to lock myself in the loo, the home office, in a separate utility room bit we have or sometimes outside the house. I got quite good at it and was eventually able to grab my keys, phone and coffee!

Much easier for me though as DH was usually there (Saturdays were our flash point - she goes bonkers with lack of immediate exercise and used to wake very early - years we spent going to the earliest gym or swim classes we could find!).

You have to be careful It's not a glass door you're behind though.

DH and I eventually had a protocol that if she kicked off we'd both get out of the house and stand on the doorstep till she'd calmed.

IF she is autistic it’s so much more complex than an abstract understanding of right and wrong. I’m bored trying to educate people on mumsnet about neurodiversity - just google it. As a zillion others have said on here, ‘just explaining’ to a neurodivergent kid how not to behave does. Not. Work. That is literally why we have a diagnosis. Of. Autism. Because the regular stuff does. Not. Work.

I've told her today that we need to make some space because when I say the house is full it's full. And so far she seems ok but we will see. I actually jump when she walks past me because I'm expecting to be hurt. Maybe she's not in the right state of mind for this but I really can't live like this. I want the house back. I don't need baby toys around here. She's about to be 7. I'm going to bag it and charity shop it.

@helpmepleasea you need a plan. You are broken so I am going to help you with one.

in order:

1. you need sleep. Look at the recommendations and buy melatonin. Your daughter will likely feel better when she’s had sleep too. She also needs sleep.
2. reduce demands. On weekends if she wants to spend all day in her PJs let her. This is not forever, just for now.
3. Start making a list of anything that happens that sets her off. It’s a ballache but you will start to notice patterns. Because most likely what she says she’s upset about (not having people to play with) may well not be the real reason (we found a lot of the time my son was just hangry).
4. try try and ignore the bad behaviour for now. Don’t react. Because (if) she is autistic, all attention is ‘good’ and will feed the behaviour.
5. You must speak to school senco like you say and absolutely insist you be taken seriously
6. call social services and self refer. There is so much help available. They can help accelerate diagnoses etc.
7. Look online and find support groups / social groups for SEND kids in your area. I met ‘my people’ this way. They have been my rock and their kids became my son’s mates as they would turn a blind eye to bad behaviour on playdates. These people have been my rock for years. One of them had lived a few doors down from me and I’d never known she was going through the same thing I was!

This is an immediate, manageable plan for this week.

I also recorded my son’s meltdowns as I knew otherwise professionals wouldn’t believe me when I told them how scared I could be of a six year old. It was really helpful in being taken seriously

I’m well aware of autism and how normal concepts don’t work, that wasn’t what I was saying. I was saying it is worth noting that DC is aware and is showing concern when school is mentioned. As others have said she is clearly masking hugely if she doesn’t display the behaviours in school, but she is differing to other children who DO display those behaviours everywhere. So it’s worth noting that.

I wouldn’t suggest a neurotypical DC parent has a need to create a physical separation between themselves and their child, I’m throwing suggestions out there that I know have made a difference with autistic children and their families in similar situations. You really don’t need to educate me thanks. I think we are all on this post because we are concerned for OP, not to compete against each other for the worlds most experienced poster with the absolute best, most spot on advice?

I understand you need space , to think straight, to be, but could you keep some of the baby toys, a few? Maybe offer her the choice of which 5 to keep? She’s likely to feel worse if they all go, wanting to keep them is for a reason, maybe wanting to retreat/regress to a safe place where there were less demands, more or less subconsciously. Wanting to be carried ditto.

More sleep if you can get it somehow will help you have the strength to fight for what she needs, and what you need. Can’t your parents help in some way, can you send them links so they understand it’s not your fault and it’s not her fault. Can they bring you meals sometimes, or good quality ready meals or something to make your life a little easier and make you feel cared for? A diagnosis might help them understand and be more helpful in time, aside from other reasons for it.

It might be worth focusing on social services because she doesn’t at the moment seem to have very significant educational needs (writing as ex-primary and special school teacher, I know this is something of a simplification).

You can buy phenergan over the counter it can used it for 7 days as a sedative/sleep aid. It didn’t do much for my son but melatonin didn’t either it may be worth a try.
After a lot of pressure from our disability social worker Occupational therapy arranged for us to have a safe space bed where I could zip my son in and know he wasn’t wandering around the house all night.
Back in the day Autism was called childhood psychosis and parents were told to put their kids in asylums and get on with their lives. Obviously it’s not right but if we’re expecting parents to care for children with these needs we need to offer them a lot more support.
I have two autistic children and it’s been a fight for a diagnosis and Sen school even though they have severe learning disability. If it wasn’t for my husband and supportive grandparents I would be on my knees like op too.

My parents, they are strange people. They believe it's down to me and what I've done. And tbh I think they've washed there hands of us. There's no financial help or anything really. She told my mum last time she saw her she would laugh when she died because it's funny when old people die. As I know telling her off doesn't work, I just get hurt so I said nothing and my mum views that as very passive parenting so no there is no help

I can't keep anymore of this stuff. She wants birthday presents but where do I put it when I still have a walker in my front room? Or a tummy time mat? She gets attached to everything, obsessively so. She can find meaning in a piece of fluff.

Oh and I have to tell her today that she still isn't having a birthday party because nobody wants to come. I've told her several times but again in her head she's convinced we're having one on Friday. What do I even do with that? I tell her the sky's blue but if she's that way out then she will argue to her last breath that it's green and I'm actually the stupid one

OP I know it’s hard but you don’t need to do those things that will further escalate the crisis today (e.g., clearing the house, telling her she isn’t going to have a birthday party because no one wants to come). You need to work on calm and reassuring your daughter that she is safe. Doing both of those things is going to lead to further crisis. It just won’t work with your daughter.

What does your daughter like? Think of it as relationship repair rather than rewarding poor behaviour.

She likes the park and softplay but again there's other children and she will be aggressive if things don't go her way. She likes singing and dancing and magic. Surprisingly enough she loves animals and is incredibly gentle. We have a cat and she's never laid a hand on him because otherwise he would have been gone for his own good. He's old so he was here before her or there would be no animals in this house

She wants to go out.
I don't want to. I'm sick of explaining to other parents that no I honestly don't know why she's scratches your child's face or no I don't know why she's screaming in your child's face

And all it feels like with the stuff and the birthday party is delaying it. She's going to know eventually, she's going to be cross whichever way so why wait? Every day's the same. I'm going to get bitten or slapped eventually so why wait? I'm not being flippant. I'm just so worn down after so many years of anger and pain

I understand but think of those things as long term goals. Focus on long term changes, with support in place, from Monday onwards. You will be able to do those things eventually, but first focus on repairing the relationship.

Ok, so regarding the birthday party (was she born around Christmas?) maybe a little white lie that no-one's available because they're all partied out after Xmas and New Year (I have a Boxing Day baby and sadly this is true!) but you will take her to - maybe a restaurant she likes? Could she handle the cinema? We've always found Wagamama good: nice staff and food v predictable.

Does she like to swim if it's not a lesson? Could you do that today? Or one of those country parks where it's mostly dog walkers?

In all respect please stop saying to her that no one wants to play with her. It may be true in what your saying to her, but long long term it causing her to be upset, frustrated, and telling her wont change her behaviour at this stage. She probably doesn't know another way to play with others at this stage.

Instead look at other socal skills support for her, I say this as a parent who's own daughter has had to receive support in this area, however thankfully we have a good school who supports us with this at school.

The cat thing is really positive. DD was a bit of a problem around cats at that age and they are still wary of her as she's so volatile.

You could perhaps consider a cat cafe for the birthday if there is one. You can't bring friends due to expense/allergies/too exciting for the cats etc.

From your description of your parents, don't bother! Maybe you could reach out to some old friends on WhatsApp in due course. I had a lot of good advice from an old friend re DD and EHCP etc. She lives far from me and we haven't met in person for years, but it's been good to have her at the end of the phone.

I’m not sure if it’s the same for your daughter, but keeping our son inside all day would be the very worst thing we could do for his behaviour. It would absolutely aggravate him, the pent up energy would just come out in rage.

When we don’t think he’s safe to be around others, we take him to country walks, big fields, even a walk around town. Something that gets him moving but doesn’t give him access to children that he can struggle to share with or communicate with and then end up hurting.