I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

You poor thing. I really feel for you. Make sure you photograph your injuries and also any major damage and destruction, to show what she is capable of.
I have known a couple of siblings as difficult as this, but they were adopted after years in foster care, and we kind of assumed that this had caused the problems. Eventually the parents put them back into care.
I can only think of one thing to suggest while you wait for a diagnosis. Let her wear pyjamas all day, and have unlimited screen time. Serve meals she will enjoy, have groceries delivered, don’t try to do anything else.
It might buy you some peace and rest.

I also don’t like people diagnosing on internet.

However I’d question the kid is ‘fine’ in school. It sounds to me like school are just saying she’s fine as they don’t want the faff of EHCP paperwork.

The child has no friends, is violent and way behind academically. That’s not fine.

So we have a child who is very much not ok socially, academically, emotionally, mentally. Candidly it’s either neurodiversity or the child has been abused, and if the mum who is sole carer is saying abuse is not the answer… well it’s not rocket science

Oh OP, my heart really goes out to you. Please join the FB group ‘Not Fine in School’ where you can post anonymously if you want. There are so many knowledgeable people on there who will be able to tell you what help is available. If she seems fine in school and is attending, then school will not help. You need to contact ‘early help’ and tell them the situation. If you Google your council and ‘Early Help’, the details should come up. I’d also join a local SEND group as it will help you feel less alone.

Ultimately your DD is not having her needs met, hence the behaviour. If she’s ok at school then there’s a high chance she’s masking all day to get by and then due to the demands of the day, she’s explosive at home. Think of a coke bottle that’s been shaken throughout the day and then when you eventually take the lid off it explodes. This is really common but sounds extreme in your case. I’d research autism with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) profile and see if any of it rings true.

I would also take a look at https://www.newboldhope.com/? who specialise in families with children who physically harm others. I believe they also have a Facebook group.

I’d also be looking at putting in a parental request for an EHCP. A diagnosis is great
but doesn’t really change anything. A good EHCP will ensure she’s having her needs met more than a diagnosis.

I know that none of this will help this evening whilst you are in the thick of it but please know that you are not alone. Being a parent of neurodivergent kids who are struggling can be an incredibly lonely journey at times but once you find the right support, you’ll realise that you’re not the only one.

Until you can get help, just pick your battles. Sending hugs. x

Yes this really is the way autism presents sometimes.

We are a "nice" family. We live in a nice house in a nice area. We do public sector jobs.

Our daughter (when younger), hit us, kicked us, spat at us and in our food, didn't sleep, said terrible things, smashed glass doors and TVs and threatened us and herself with knives.

She's pretty much OK now but we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

Sounds a very similar situation as mine. My 9 year old daughter is pretty much the same and proffesional help is non existant. Like yourself, I spoke to the school and they have no issues with her so were unable to help my case with the neuro development team who needed a referal from the school before they could put her on the waiting list for a diagnosis. The school said they could offer help with a child phychologist who could meet with her at school but that hasnt happened.
Its absolutely draining with no end in sight so I know exactly how you feel. Iv taken her to the doctors but nothing came of that.
I have started her on shrooms, they are gummies that came with good reviews so i bought some and i have to say her behaviour has improoved with less meltdowns when she takes them. She takes 2 in the morning.
I tell her they are to make her skin healthy as shes into all this skincare routine, that is the only reason she will take them.
Its very hard and exhausting and i live in hope that one day,help will be available, for my sanity but more importantly for my daughter as it cant be easy for her either.Good luck.

I know mothers are only human and I don't mean to castigate OP, but you don't think it's possible that a little girl who feels her mother's contempt towards her might act up in her distress? Or that that might make existing behaviour issue worse?

“Act up”? Yes

Threaten to kill her and wake her with physical assaults? No

One thing I have learnt is that as a parent you can't pour out of an empty cup. You are feeling like this as your exhausted.
MY own DD is challenging and I ended up on meds to help.me cope, there is support out there. From Children's centres, course, GPs, social services, charities such as Young minds, Camhs, I found a different school that was more supportive.saw behind the mask. Its scary to say your struggling, but the right people want to help and support. Both you and your child. Nobody judged me, I judged myself more harshly than them.

@surrealpotato your tangents and hypothesising are inappropriate on a thread where the OP is in acute distress.

Fair enough.

I’ll answer this honestly in the hope that it makes you stop.

Yes. I think children can feel when there is a relationship breakdown, and yes I think it amplifies their behaviour.

My son isn’t my biological child. I met him when he was 2, when I met his dad/my partner. His mum was in his life, they had 50/50 custody. Between 4-7 years old his behaviour escalated, and it was always worse with his mum who was a single parent, and struggled tremendously with his behaviour and violence.

Their relationship fell apart, until when he was at her house it reached the point of 24/7 meltdown pretty much. Neither one of them felt safe in the environment. When he was 7 he pushed her down the stairs, and shortly after she gave him up, fully, and now has no parental rights. I adopted him last year, which is why I say “son.”

Whilst OP is engaging, looking for support and trying her damnedest - let’s not encourage their situation to end the same way by making her feel at fault. It was devastating for him, and for everyone around him - for his mum too, she reached breaking point and felt she had no other way out.

There is a link, in that two people in crisis feed off each other. OP needs support to manage that crisis, not to be made to feel inadequate while she’s managing a very difficult situation.

Well I’ve been in the OPs situation.

It sounds like you haven’t.

I can absolutely say there were days and weeks where I and my husband both really disliked our son and did not enjoy parenting him. Because it sucks being attacked.

And yes we got a lot of responses like yours, blaming us for his behaviour.

He’s had a lot of therapy and is lovely now. We adore him, he adores us, we love parenting him. To the extent he can remember that time he doesn’t remember feeling unloved. He doesn’t remember much about that time but the bits he does recall he says he always knew we loved him and his behaviour was because of (any one of myriad mad reasons like he wanted to go swimming at 3am or wanted to shave mummy’s head etc)

How on earth do you know that OP is showing any of these feelings to the child? It is healthy that the OP is speaking on MN about how her violent, dysregulated child makes her feel and seeking advice. We can only base advice on what OP is telling us, for sure. But nowhere am I getting that this was a completely loving, settled, happy 6 year old that the OP just couldn’t be bothered to provide emotional care to anymore and hence screwed up.

Yes, you are right. I don't know that.

Her behaviour changed massively after school started. The violence started in year 1. She has to go to school. I'm sorry but it's not a choice. I cannot live as a prisoner all the time.

As a baby she was a baby. I knew nothing about babies. She seemed happy. She was never cuddly but development normal. Slightly speech delayed but once she started she never stopped. No issues potty training.

I love her but I don't like her and I'm scared of her. I can't count how many bruises and cuts and the things she says. But I say it back now. Because I'm pushed and pushed.
I am completely alone. There's no dad, no grandparents. Any friends I had previously before she was born disappear pretty quickly when they've been spat at or hurt. Any friends with kids just clear off. They don't want there kids around mine. And I can't blame them

No telling her she shouldn't behave as she does is why she has no friends but what do I do? This behaviour isn't ok. Someone has to tell her that if you boss and hurt your friends you won't have any.

Thank you for sharing. I see what you're saying.

@helpmepleasea

Does she have calmer moments? If so, is she able to articulate what she would like?

My older boy hated school. We kept him in for primary (mainstream) but it was very hard and whilst his behaviour wasn’t like your daughter he was very dysregulated.

His specialist senior had resulted in a changed child.

I wonder if perhaps a break from school whilst you seek help and advice would be a possibility?

Is she calmer over the holidays when she’s out of school?

I have two boys with ASD. They are different from your daughter but it’s relentless and doing it alone sounds both horrific and impossible

nursery is easy. they are quite autonomous at nursery and have alot of low level encouragement and attention. Life is simple and safe. Nothing too stressful is asked of you. Relationships are not complicated. placid is normal too if you look at PDA.
reception again is quite fun, but you already have a sensory issue kicking in with the uniform - is it scratchy? Labels? tight? cold. So many kids with PDA, well and adults too, cannot tolerate things tight, or rubbing, or even the fabric feels wrong. I used to cut the edge of the seams across the top of toes on my socks off as a child as I couldnt bear the lumpiness, and everyone in our household has to wear soft fabrics. I cant tolerate trousers or skirts that are 'fixed' -ie I need elastic for give. Shoes are a minefield.
Now school has stepped up. PDA is demand avoidance. demands equal stress and anxiety, even good demands, even stuff you want to do. Autistic kids are already running at high anxiety levels - its their default - and PDA are closer to the 'meltdown switch' than your average. But because they are smart, they have social awarenes, and are amazing at mimicry, so people often dont spot them especially in places they are REALLY trying to keep their cool, or might be ostracised for melting down.

our strategy was to remove all demands, apart from the most minimal about health and safety and hurting people. Let autonomy and safety kick in. My daughter was withdrawn from school in year 8. She spent possibly a year doing nothing but watching youtube videos on slime and japanes llammas. she hated home ed groups, she hated anything about autism, she wanted to be with adults who were less unpredictable and spiteful than what she had experienced at school. her friendships broke down in year 7 when the simple friendships of primary school got confused with new cliques, boys, and mental game playing normal to NT kids - who all wanted to conform and didnt like anyone who was stepping outside the fairly rigid social norms (although later at college they all thought she was incredible and 'so individual' - she was actually just exactly the same as she had ever been, but dont get me started on the social hierarchies of secondary education) I could not make her do anything, but what I could do was help to support her to step through education in a way she was comfortable with, and provide a safe space where she knew that however unreasonable she was tellinfg me that some teacher was for wanting her to comply with deadlines, that I had her back.

never deal with a crisis in the moment. Dont challenge when they are in meltdown. deal with it much much later, in tiny gentle steps. they dont want to be like this. Meltdowns are terrifying. Ive only had a few, but they leave you shaken and shaking, and as if the world has tilted sideways, and you are never sure if the hurt you have caused means everyone hates you.

Wonderful post.

it will take you a long time but there are some really helpful posts on here.

Feed them through chat gpt and get a summary. Or PM me and i can help.

You need a plan, and a team around you. Help is available. This WILL get better. PM me and I can tell you about my son. When he was 6 i begged social services to take him away. And now he’s lovely and charming and an angel and honestly my best friend.

'act up' is the wrong phrase when dealing with PDA/ASD
It suggests the child is doing it consciously, that old 'any attention is good attention' thing

As I said in my earlier post, yes she may be sensing her mothers weariness and horror at how things are playing out, and that will trigger her fear more, which causes meltdowns more, which makes the vicious cycle worse and worse.

But meltdowns are not temper tantrums. Its not anger that drives them, its not a child frustrated and acting up to get their own way, its not a 'wont' or a want, a meltdown is when the brain has tripped into absolute loss of control - she wont even know what she is saying, she is just saying stuff that is coming out as she reacts with her repilian part of her brain - fight or flight, absolute anxiety driven panic.

PDA is a cant. Its not a wont. Thats where it differs from ODD. PDA want to fit in, but PDA is overwhelmed by anxiety by demands, which put pressure on them. and these can be demands they put on themselves too. take off the pressure, reduce all demands, they are able to begin to lower their anxiety levels and begin to function

Op, are things any different in the summer holidays? Not necessarily better or worse, but different?

If anyone is moved by the OP's posts and replies from others in similar situations, please consider writing to your MP about the delays and lack of early intervention and parenting support with SEND in children. We have all seen the headlines about how funding requests have spiralled but leaving families until they are at absolute crisis point is making this worse, not better.

There are threads similar to this every couple of weeks on here now. I've been here for years and these posts do come up but I have never ever seen it so frequent. And it's horrific to think that joining an NHS waiting list for support means waiting further years.

Behaviour like this is the result of dysregulation which has compounded and compounded on itself. If OP had had access to the proper assessments, advice and support for her DD a year or two ago when concerns started to get raised, things might not have got to this point. It's completely unacceptable and it's not OP failing her DD, it's the support systems which are hanging by a thread.

I know writing to MPs won't help OP immediately (and OP I apologise for using your thread to say this) but the system is so incredibly broken and it's no good for the children or parents caught up in it. Six years waiting list is an absolute joke, what are you meant to do?

I hope you get something to eat, and some sleep, and you can have a better day tomorrow and make those calls on Monday (I'm going to make a meeting with the SENCO Monday morning and look into the right to choose) - these are positive steps and will be more helpful than reading a load of posts debating whether she's bad or sad and what you might have done differently. You've done everything that a responsible parent would do, it's just the systems behind you aren't there backing you up.

Asking the GP for melatonin might also not be a bad idea. It can be prescribed in cases of medical need, a lot of neurodivergent children don't make it in the right quantities so genuinely can't sleep. But if she is constantly wound up that will also make it harder for her to sleep which then has a knock on effect on her mood/behaviour the next day etc etc. This won't be helping and it might be something you can get in a fairly short time.

Try the Robyn Gobbel book. I completely understand it seems absolutely laughable that a book could help, but if any book can help it's this one. It's the one thing which helped me before my son went onto medication, and I had read an entire library's worth previously, all of which were very interesting, but didn't usually make any actual difference day to day. This one I would lock myself in the bathroom and go back to the helpful pages and be able to actually diffuse the situation as a result.

And seek out other SEN parents who get it. The MN threads on the SEN parents section or other online support groups but ideally, IRL/locally even if you only communicate online because you can't get any space from the DC.

Sadly GPs can't prescribe melatonin even for children with an adhd or autism diagnosis unless it has been initially prescribed by a paediatrician. They absolutely can't prescribe it for children without a diagnosis. You can buy it online - piping rock is a reliable site.