One year old can’t self-soothe 😭

[SnugSheep]

Our one-year-old DS is really struggling with sleep at night. He has a well-established bedtime routine which he shares with DD: bath, feed, book, bed by 7pm. He’s breastfed and we night weaned him before Christmas but that went to shit when we were away for a week visiting family. Even before that though he just replaced the comfort of the boob with DH’s patting and presence next to the bed.

It’s getting ridiculous. He sleeps 7-11pm ish but then he rouses himself and demands constant intervention until the day starts at 6. Hours of patting and shushing and getting up and down to sit next to the bed, while he shouts and cries until he’s genuinely distressed. He’s not cold, he’s not hungry, or ill, and he’s very tired. But he fights sleep like crazy and poor little guy can’t stay asleep. I don’t understand what’s waking him really, other than something developmental maybe? His language and communication is defining thick and fast. He’s fine for naps and gets between 2.5 and 3 hrs sleep during the day. Too much perhaps? I still think he needs two naps though. Currently, he naps 9.15-10:30 ish and then about 2.30-3.30 pm.

We were slow to help him learn to sleep due to his allergies, and repeated illness mainly (him & us), plus we were keen to protect our toddler’s sleep next door. But this is driving us mad now. He’s slept through literally once in a year and that’s with all kinds of support. We don’t want to cosleep. Me, DS, and DH are all absolutely terrible at it; it’s just as bad as this situation for us. We want DS able to self soothe better and sleep through (ish) so we can move him out of our room and into the one he has to share with DD.

Any tips for sleep training at this age? Please help! We’re looking at Ferber. It did wonders for DD at 9 months who defeated much gentler interventions and who now sleeps like a champ (even with DS’s noise in our tiny house), but I’m aware it might be different for DS at his age. Any experiences of doing Ferber with a one-year old? Or just any kind of sleep ‘training’ at this age that worked for you and your baby? 🙏

Firstly I would drop to one nap and do it around 12 pm. He will probably be vile for a while but he will adjust.

I haven’t done Ferber but I did have some success with the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers. I like this method as it helps to set up strong sleep associations for them.

If co-sleeping is out hpw about putting his cot against your bed either with or without the side being removed? We did this with DC2 for a while and wheb she stirred I would gently lay a hand on her tummy and the physical reassurance would help her to drift back off.

If he has had his 12 month check up, was the HV able to offer any suggestions too?

Sorry forgot to ask, did the HV ask you to fill in the regular Ages & Stages and the Social & Emotional Ages & Stages?

He just wants you (and Dh). There’s no magic solution here. Babies want to be comforted by their parents and sleep close to them. You aren’t doing anything wrong, nor is he. Just your expectations for what a 1 year old (especially just weaned, with all the disruption of Christmas, new routine, probably parents who are extra tired from some prosecco and too much hosting) should be like are probably quite unrealistic.

Nah I disagree with that. Many kids are self soothing between 6-12 months. Demanding CONSTANT nighttime intervention and attention is a problem which should be solved, not accepted. Not saying the solutions are easy, but it's not "normal" behaviour either.

OP, have you tried a dummy? That's the number one solution we found to help with self soothing. Only use it at nighttime and associate it with the bedtime routine.

Another potential solution is a later bedtime. 7PM is on the early side and our 9 month old would only go to bed that early if they had only one nap during the day. Try a later bedtime to ensure they are properly exhausted.

Requiring someone to be awake all night isn't normal but the need for closeness and connection IS normal - ESPECIALLY when routines and rhythms are all disrupted by excitement and overstimulation at Christmas. It sounds like this little chap might just need more of his parents right now rather than him having some terrible behavioural issues.

OP, I'm sensing you don't want to co-sleep but would you consider setting up a temporary bed in his room so he can have you (or his dad) close by and you can try and soothe him without having to physically get up? Or put a mattress on the floor for him so you can get into bed with him rather than him with you?

It's only a problem, if it's a problem for you. It's completely normal behaviour for babies and toddlers to wake at night and need a parent to get back to sleep.

We attended every time and dd naturally started sleeping through at around 13 months. Not saying that's going to be the same for everyone, but it's wrong to say that it's a problem that you have to actively solve. Many children start sleeping through naturally and it just takes time.

Bed in his room, co sleeping are good advice.

as is one nap and later bedtime

I think you have unrealistic expectations: you don’t have to “teach” sleep. Your Baby is having too much sleep in the day time. 2 hours is plenty, at that age you should try a very short nap in the morning like 10 mins, then 1-1.5 hours after lunch. And try later bedtime. It’s completely normal for babies and toddlers to wake at night and need comfort. They need to feel secure to sleep well. Ferber doesnt “teach sleep”, it just breaks them so they give up asking for comfort.

I’d get a floor bed so you can lie with him then move away.

At that age we just had DS in a toddler bed in our room and would shush him to sleep from our own bed. More comfy than sleeping on a floor bed in a child's room and we barely woke up so it felt like we had a full night's sleep.

I don't think 2 hours nap time is too much, DS would nap for at least that long until he was quite a bit older. His days were very active and bedtime wasn't as early so he needed plenty of nap time.

Thanks, all. Definitely a BIG problem for us! 😵‍💫 We’re trying one nap today, he’s slept a solid 2hrs, 12-2pm. Let’s hope it helps. 🤞

He’s in our room now as we only have a 2-bed. Closeness feels like a problem for us, not a solution. Cosleeping just means absolutely no sleep and constant, fairly aggressive feeding for me. He’s been slow to get the hang of solids, and he lost weight largely because he’s such a boob monster (regained now), so cutting night feeds was a necessity - HV in full support of that. Besides, me and DH would quite like our sex life back to something remotely resembling normal please! 🙏

Sadly he’s never agreed to a dummy, but we’ve given him a soft duck lovey thing that he keeps evicting from the cot. 😂

I also recommend the floorbed! It completely changed our lives. We switched at 13 months and she slept through the first night, after waking 1-4 times a night for months, and has continued to do so every night after.

I also completely night weaned so maybe you could try that?

Moving him to his own room may be essential for that though. Are you planning on moving in the future, since you have one of each sex?

Hi op.
my 18 month old has just weaned off the boob, we had to do it because I’m 8 months pregnant and did not want to tandem feed 😂 like you I continued breastfeeding because dd has several severe allergies and I wanted her to get as many nutrients as possible.

we dropped down to one day time nap 12-2 ish, which works wells. She goes to bed at 730. Initially was waking loads through the night sometimes hourly whilst I was still feeding . I just announced to DH a few weeks ago that I was done and he would have to bedtime for her for a while. He started off by patting her to sleep, but now she goes off in her bed. She’s sleeping through most nights now and if she stirs Ollie the owl plays music which settles her back off.

for us it was about 2 days of breaking the cycle and now she’s settled well into her new routine.

i hope this helps.

Yeah, moving is the plan eventually @Justlostmybagel. DD only 3.5 years atm and currently quite keen to share her room with DS, so we’ll see how it goes for a while.

We did the regular questionnaire, not the social one. He was 9 months and one day at the appointment. I’ve got no concerns about him other than his ability to stay asleep! He’s actually not totally terrible at falling asleep at night and doing that first 4hr stretch, so it’s just this really.

Thanks, this is reassuring! We have a white noise machine but might try Ollie the owl instead 👍

At 12 months, my son was on one nap of 1-1.5 hours and bedtime was 7.30-8pm. So I think he's getting way too much sleep and by midnight he's probably just awake.

If you don't want to cosleep, then constant reassurance is the only way to go.

Consider he may be teething. Mine got his first molar at 12 months on the dot and it was horrendous for a while and then every time he got a new molar.

I don't think it's too much daytime sleep. Our son is a little younger but he can easily have 2.5-3 hours daytime sleep and still sleeps 12-13 hours a night.

That is a very high amount of sleep! OP’s baby clearly doesnt need as much sleep. Most toddlers do 1-2 hours total in the day.

It's actually not very high and is well within normal range, which are around 10-12 hours at night and 2-3 hours during the day.

12-16 hours over a 24 hour period is still the recommended amount of sleep for babies of 12-18 months.

How did you get on last night @SnugSheep?

average Is 11-14 hours within 24 hours at this age Anyway it doesn’t matter if a baby is doing fine, however much they have. OP baby is clearly having too much day sleep, he isnt tired enough to sleep reasonable stretches at night or at least resettle quickly when he wakes.

Where are you getting those figures?

https://www.nhs.uk/best-start-in-life/baby/baby-basics/newborn-and-baby-sleeping-advice-for-parents/your-babys-sleep-patterns/#how-much-do-babies-sleep-?

I actually don't think the problem is too much sleep for the OP. I think the problem is the early bedtime, which leads to the baby seeing it as a third nap. Our son would not have two naps a day and be down in bed by 7. A bedtime that early is for the days he only has one nap. Before trying to cut daytime naptime (which is so important for a baby's wellbeing and development) I'd be looking at pushing that bedtime back by an hour to really build up some meaningful sleep pressure. It's worth a shot as it's a much smaller intervention than the others.

It sounds like you've received some really terrible advice. Breastmilk will only ever be good for your child and that will definitely not be the reason he was losing weight. My son didn't really eat full portions of solids until a year old and also loved milk but he didn't lose weight. Cutting out key nutrients and calling night weaning a "necessity" is completely wrong. Health visitors are very, very rarely the right people to be giving dietary advice.
I say this not to shame or reprimand - your son sounds like he's doing well now - but to point out that your expectations are definitely unrealistic and perhaps you're searching for answers in the wrong places and from the wrong people.

I hear you saying "closeness is a problem" but do you hear it? Your child needs you and is asking for you and you consider it a "problem". He's a literal baby. He won't need you this intensely forever. He isn't a problem to be fixed but a person you need to raise. The more responsive you can be the more he'll trust you and the less he'll need to test you by crying out at night.

You definitely need to drop a nap and make it 2 hours max. I think my son was napping for 1 hour at this age and mostly slept through except when he was teething or sick.