One year old can’t self-soothe 😭

[SnugSheep]

Our one-year-old DS is really struggling with sleep at night. He has a well-established bedtime routine which he shares with DD: bath, feed, book, bed by 7pm. He’s breastfed and we night weaned him before Christmas but that went to shit when we were away for a week visiting family. Even before that though he just replaced the comfort of the boob with DH’s patting and presence next to the bed.

It’s getting ridiculous. He sleeps 7-11pm ish but then he rouses himself and demands constant intervention until the day starts at 6. Hours of patting and shushing and getting up and down to sit next to the bed, while he shouts and cries until he’s genuinely distressed. He’s not cold, he’s not hungry, or ill, and he’s very tired. But he fights sleep like crazy and poor little guy can’t stay asleep. I don’t understand what’s waking him really, other than something developmental maybe? His language and communication is defining thick and fast. He’s fine for naps and gets between 2.5 and 3 hrs sleep during the day. Too much perhaps? I still think he needs two naps though. Currently, he naps 9.15-10:30 ish and then about 2.30-3.30 pm.

We were slow to help him learn to sleep due to his allergies, and repeated illness mainly (him & us), plus we were keen to protect our toddler’s sleep next door. But this is driving us mad now. He’s slept through literally once in a year and that’s with all kinds of support. We don’t want to cosleep. Me, DS, and DH are all absolutely terrible at it; it’s just as bad as this situation for us. We want DS able to self soothe better and sleep through (ish) so we can move him out of our room and into the one he has to share with DD.

Any tips for sleep training at this age? Please help! We’re looking at Ferber. It did wonders for DD at 9 months who defeated much gentler interventions and who now sleeps like a champ (even with DS’s noise in our tiny house), but I’m aware it might be different for DS at his age. Any experiences of doing Ferber with a one-year old? Or just any kind of sleep ‘training’ at this age that worked for you and your baby? 🙏

I hope you’re comfortable up there on the moral high ground. Honestly, the claim that you’re a better parent because you do whatever you do, are just absurd.

Why? We're not all equal. Some parents are better than others and they are only better than others because of the things they do for their children. Parents who don't hit their children's are better parents than parents who hit their children. Parents who feed their children healthy food are better parents than those who feed their kids junk food and nothing else. Parents who.nurture their children's sense of safety are better parents than those who make their children feel unsafe by shouting all the time.

The claim that it's absurd that someone is not a better parent than someone else because of something they do for their children is frankly ridiculous.

Sleep is so important and if someone is desperately trying to get their child to sleep better, for the benefit of the entire family, it’s really not nice to be told you aren’t a good parent.

Can you think of any other animal where if you saw the mother ignore her baby in distress, your response would be 'what a good mum'?

There's a reason why leaving babies to cry is deeply uncomfortable. It feels wrong for a reason.

My daughter was similar, once I counted 40 wake ups before 2am. We did Calm and Bright sleep training in the end, once she reached one. I would NEVER EVER do Ferber or Cry It Out as it is just so stressful for them and their little nervous systems and really very cruel. I found Calm & Bright difficult enough to be honest but we did get results very quickly.

Have you ever seen a bitch with puppies? If the puppies bother the mum, when they should be lying quietly, she will growl quite savagely at them.

You are confusing a baby in distress with a baby who is tired. They are not the same thing. You do not leave a baby in distress. Sleep training is very clear on that.

Ok, so you agree then that sleep training can only be used for calm, compliant, non distressed babies? That ones that find it difficult shouldn't be sleep trained?

Do you think that's the highlight of her parenting? 😂

I think what some of these posts are ignoring is that fundamentally babies are different!

Mine has never been a put in her cot drowsy and she’ll pop off to sleep with a comforter and dummy. She’s never taken to either of those things for a start and needs to be rocked to sleep once I gave up feeding. If she walks in the night she’s screamingly hysterical and standing up in her cot. No back patting or shushing is going to get that monster lying back down.

OP I really feel you, mine is the same age and occasionally she’s slept through with no rhyme or reason compared to nights where she doesn’t.

I’m of the view now that developmentally it will happen at some point, and I’ll cherish the longer stretches while they happen.

What?

You brought animals into this, for reasons only you can know. I’m just pointing out that animals aren’t soppy about bringing their offspring into line.

Having said that, we’re talking about human babies here not animal babies but then you brought it up.

There's a helluva lot of middle ground between "calm, compliant" and "distressed" which you have conveniently ignored.

Signs of distress in a baby may be different depending on the child but are generally very clear. Screaming (rather than crying), coughing, turning red, shaking, fearful looks etc. Sleep training advice is very clear that a baby in this condition should not be ignored.

You didn't answer my question though. Do you agree that babies that find it distressing shouldn't be sleep trained?

If a baby is constantly in a state of distress then Ferber needs interrupted, but not necessarily stopped permanently. If they're in a state of distress it's normally because they're not quite ready for sleep training at that moment, or that the environment is not right.

And once again, I will point out the difference between a child in distress and a child crying or protesting sleep.

Do you accept that for some babies, Ferber shouldn't be used?
Many find even being left for seconds hugely distressing (and yes, I mean that, not just a bit grumpy or tired).

You got easy baby/babies, that's all.

Of course, but that's just common sense.

I know it’s not for everyone but we hired a sleep consultant when my son was 15 months and waking 4+ times a night wanting to be fed back to sleep. We’d tried everything and the lack of sleep was significantly impacting everyone’s wellbeing.

I admit I was sceptical going into it. She didn’t tell us anything we hadn’t already read for ourselves, but she DID give us a clear plan to stick to and the motivation to do it. Once you’ve spent the money you feel committed to it, and having a plan to follow eliminated the hushed 3am squabbles between me and DP about what to try next.

She worked with us to create a plan that we felt comfortable with, and although there was obviously some amount of crying, we never ever left him crying alone (our choice, I know others do it differently!). It worked in about 4 days and for months now he’s been sleeping through I’d say 95% of the time. Honestly worth every penny!

Couldn’t agree more. 1 year old is still very young. I live in the UK but am originally from a different European country and I really don’t understand the obsession with ‘self-soothing’ from a very young age (as young as 6 months old) in the UK and expecting that your baby will be content alone in a crib in a dark quiet room. The parents touch is their best comfort that their brains physically need at such young age.

Very comfortable. And more importantly my children are comfortable too. Not just in the day, but through the night 😇
Don't pretend parents that ignore their babies are good parents, that just encourages them even more.

She doesn't think that's true, she's being childish and twisting words to suit her.
She can't accept that her methods are monstrous because that would be too hard to deal with. I'm glad a lot of people are coming away from the 'babies need to be taught how to sleep' nonsense. But sad to see so many still ignoring their sweet babies needs. As for them banging on about how happy their baby is, the issues from neglecting a baby it night most likely won't show to adulthood. Hello anxious attachment style!

I think you need help.

What an odd take.

Help getting parents to not neglect their kids?
I agree! Want to join me? Where should we start? Know any shit parents out their leaving their babies to cry? Shall we make a list?

Sleep training is not neglect..

In your wee head it might be. In the world of paediatrics and the lived world of the real world, it isn't.

But you keep doing your own thing if it keeps your feet on that morale high ground.

I’m absolutely with you but some of the posters on here aren’t worth interacting with. Their arguments degenerate into calling other parents abusive, which really isn’t called for.