One year old can’t self-soothe 😭

[SnugSheep]

Our one-year-old DS is really struggling with sleep at night. He has a well-established bedtime routine which he shares with DD: bath, feed, book, bed by 7pm. He’s breastfed and we night weaned him before Christmas but that went to shit when we were away for a week visiting family. Even before that though he just replaced the comfort of the boob with DH’s patting and presence next to the bed.

It’s getting ridiculous. He sleeps 7-11pm ish but then he rouses himself and demands constant intervention until the day starts at 6. Hours of patting and shushing and getting up and down to sit next to the bed, while he shouts and cries until he’s genuinely distressed. He’s not cold, he’s not hungry, or ill, and he’s very tired. But he fights sleep like crazy and poor little guy can’t stay asleep. I don’t understand what’s waking him really, other than something developmental maybe? His language and communication is defining thick and fast. He’s fine for naps and gets between 2.5 and 3 hrs sleep during the day. Too much perhaps? I still think he needs two naps though. Currently, he naps 9.15-10:30 ish and then about 2.30-3.30 pm.

We were slow to help him learn to sleep due to his allergies, and repeated illness mainly (him & us), plus we were keen to protect our toddler’s sleep next door. But this is driving us mad now. He’s slept through literally once in a year and that’s with all kinds of support. We don’t want to cosleep. Me, DS, and DH are all absolutely terrible at it; it’s just as bad as this situation for us. We want DS able to self soothe better and sleep through (ish) so we can move him out of our room and into the one he has to share with DD.

Any tips for sleep training at this age? Please help! We’re looking at Ferber. It did wonders for DD at 9 months who defeated much gentler interventions and who now sleeps like a champ (even with DS’s noise in our tiny house), but I’m aware it might be different for DS at his age. Any experiences of doing Ferber with a one-year old? Or just any kind of sleep ‘training’ at this age that worked for you and your baby? 🙏

It's late but not quite too late. Weaning off dummies is recommended around 18-24 months so they have time yet.

I also suggested a comforter.

A one year old is not going to take a dummy, if they've never had one before.

Ferber is not "cruel" because no harm is being done. All the research backs this up. Teaching your child how to self sooth is also good parenting.

If other parents are happy to be up the whole night or co-sleeping (which is against all safe sleep recommendations), fair play to them, but a desire for self-flaggelation doesn't make you a better Christian.

It's not self-flaggelation, its just doing what we think is best for our child. Just as you are doing.

You're not a better parent for teaching your child to "self soothe" either.

I didn't say I was a better parent. I am criticising those who are sneering at the OP (and others) for trying to do something about a sleep situation which is causing them, as a family, a great deal of stress. It does not make them bad parents for wanting to help their child learn how to self soothe and get a better night's sleep.

They've already said they don't want to co-sleep and been roundly criticised for it, despite it being against all safe sleep guidance to do so.

He needs you. It’s not a want or a demand. It’s you. He’s only a baby. You’re expecting too much.
I wouldn’t try night weaning again until he’s over 18 months. Most IBCLCs recommend waiting until this age for it anyway as child will have more understanding.
most babies can’t “self soothe” and it’s your job to soothe them.
make things easier for yourself. Sleep beside your baby so you’re not getting up and down all night long. Or have them in bed with you following safe sleep seven (la Leche league or unicef have guidance on this)
or get a side -car crib for your bed.
it’s a tough age for sleep I found with my three, developmental leaps, teeth, I went back to work etc but it does pass. Things will get better. Babies grow up and won’t need you this intensely. This season will end.
you cannot train a child out of not needing you. And why would you want that ?
Join a breastfeeding group for support or on FB there’s “breastfeeding older babies and beyond” a great supportive group for help with night weaning aswell when you’re both ready again.

You can do that, without being sneery at everyone who decides not to sleep train.

Children don't need to be taught to self soothe 😂
It's absolutely insane how good of a job society has done in making mums think that they should ignore their babies.
Why? So they can get enough sleep to enable them to go to work and earn someone else a load of money.

I'm not Christian, but know that theirs nothing Christian about the ferber method. Baby jesus would have been sleeping with his mum

I’d really recommend hey sleepy baby account on Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/heysleepybaby?igsh=bmxkbTgwYm90Ynhy really helps you cope with these tough periods whatever way you choose - a wealth of really helpful advice I found, the only account that was real life based

we had 2 naps until around 2, every child is different but those accounts will help you work out your individual child’s sleep needs, and most importantly, their temperament - what methods help them sleep best based on their personality.

Apologies as I didn’t want to read and run, and this might have been said, but if you are doing Baby Whisperer, sush patting after 6 months is too stimulating. You need to double check, as it has been a while, but I think you do a quick pat, cuddle if they are inconsolable. Then you just stay close, maybe sit by the cot, but don’t make eye contact or talk. It can take a while, but they get bored and eventually go to sleep, then you move away gradually until you can just walk out the room.

Not very maternal are you.

Naps too long and bedtime too early but otherwise he is a baby!! Routines do not matter at this age 1 sleep training is cruel especially feber. Cosleeping is easiest but understandable if not for you. Best thing you could do is just wait a few months.

some of these comments make me cry for these poor babies. Imagine thinking a baby wanting its
mum is not normal?! Imagine being upset at something and your partner just shushes you. It’s ridiculous- they are human with needs.

i wish more people were more helpful on this thread.

im here in solidarity with you as our nearly 1yo DS sounds very similar to yours. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and at the end of my tether.

Blimey! Lots of responses!

Just to report that he actually seems to have turned a corner the past two nights. We’re trying one nap now and have made a concerted effort to up his calories through food during the day. We’ve also moved out of the room temporarily and that seems to have helped as we were definitely disrupting him when we came to bed, even when we crept in there! It also occurred to us that maybe DH’s snoring bothers him sometimes too. He’s still waking, but he’s found it easier to drift back off again within a min or two, which means we’ve been able to let him grumble first. So far no more jumping up onto his feet and yelling the second he stirs. 👍

That sounds like a great improvement! Hopefully you can all get some rest now!

You’ve trained him into this pattern. You can retrain him but short term it’s going to be difficult.

If you really want to go for it, make a plan you can stick to. There’s absolutely no point in ‘trying’ something and then going back. If you do that his behaviour will be reinforced.

I would leave him for ten minutes, when he wakes. Then go in but don’t look at him, don’t touch him, just say something totally boring like ‘go to sleep, mummy/daddy loves you’.

Repeat this until he falls asleep. He will cry, you have to be prepared for that. If you stick to this, it actually works quite quickly as you are no longer rewarding him for waking up.

Hugs to you! It is very hard. My two are both little energiser bunnies so it’s rough keeping up with them (and doing everything else we need to do) on no sleep. Me and DH have jobs that require us to be sharp mentally, and sleep deprivation But PP are right that it’s a phase. Fingers crossed it won’t last too long for either of us. Soon enough we’ll be trying our best to get teens out of bed in the morning!

I can't think about it too much cos it's heartbreaking. The amount of parents that act this way and the amount that stick up from them.
Can't say anything else you're accused of mum shaming, as if these parents don't deserve to be shamed! It is shameful!

Don't look or touch? Your own baby who is crying for you!?

You lot are fucking monsters

Completely agree. Who on earth can go into a small crying baby and repeat a dull phrase over and over while ignoring their need for touch and kindness

Have you tried not co-sleeping? If not, how do you know it doesn't help? And if you have tried and reverted back then it must help!

Studies show that breastfeeding mothers who co sleep get more rest than those who don't. It's very, very normal for babies to wake up frequently in the night.

I do agree that this is mental. But the idea is pushed so heavily all over the internet that it's hard not to buy into it. To my shame, I even briefly tried this. 🫤

It’s not good for anyone to have broken nights. It’s bad for a child and even worse for parents. Lack of decent sleep can cause physical, mental and emotional problems. We all need good sleep.

If you’re going into your child, your presence is reassuring them that they haven’t been abandoned. By being boring you’re not rewarding them for waking up. They are waking from habit and getting a reward. It’s not rocket science.

Absolute nonsense. Every baby is different and most certainly do not require that amount of sleep!