One year old can’t self-soothe 😭

[SnugSheep]

Our one-year-old DS is really struggling with sleep at night. He has a well-established bedtime routine which he shares with DD: bath, feed, book, bed by 7pm. He’s breastfed and we night weaned him before Christmas but that went to shit when we were away for a week visiting family. Even before that though he just replaced the comfort of the boob with DH’s patting and presence next to the bed.

It’s getting ridiculous. He sleeps 7-11pm ish but then he rouses himself and demands constant intervention until the day starts at 6. Hours of patting and shushing and getting up and down to sit next to the bed, while he shouts and cries until he’s genuinely distressed. He’s not cold, he’s not hungry, or ill, and he’s very tired. But he fights sleep like crazy and poor little guy can’t stay asleep. I don’t understand what’s waking him really, other than something developmental maybe? His language and communication is defining thick and fast. He’s fine for naps and gets between 2.5 and 3 hrs sleep during the day. Too much perhaps? I still think he needs two naps though. Currently, he naps 9.15-10:30 ish and then about 2.30-3.30 pm.

We were slow to help him learn to sleep due to his allergies, and repeated illness mainly (him & us), plus we were keen to protect our toddler’s sleep next door. But this is driving us mad now. He’s slept through literally once in a year and that’s with all kinds of support. We don’t want to cosleep. Me, DS, and DH are all absolutely terrible at it; it’s just as bad as this situation for us. We want DS able to self soothe better and sleep through (ish) so we can move him out of our room and into the one he has to share with DD.

Any tips for sleep training at this age? Please help! We’re looking at Ferber. It did wonders for DD at 9 months who defeated much gentler interventions and who now sleeps like a champ (even with DS’s noise in our tiny house), but I’m aware it might be different for DS at his age. Any experiences of doing Ferber with a one-year old? Or just any kind of sleep ‘training’ at this age that worked for you and your baby? 🙏

Their need is to sleep. That is why they are upset. They are not upset because you're not there. They're upset because they are tired and don't know how to settle again without help. It is your parental responsibility to teach them how to do that.

You are not ignoring your babies needs by teaching them how to sleep. A baby who sleeps well is a happy baby and despite being accused in this thread of being a "monster" and "not maternal" for daring to sleep train, we have an incredibly happy, smiley and affectionate baby who has learned how to fall asleep with help from Mum and Dad. Everyone gets a great night's sleep, baby is full of smiles upon waking up and is absolutely thriving.

Only on Mumsnet would this be criticised because if a baby sleeps through the night the parents must be monsters. Bizarre.

No one thinks parents are monsters because their children sleep through. We think they are monsters for refusing to comfort or even look at their baby. HTH.

My baby slept through on her own without any of that abandonment going on, I never let her cry on her own or ignored her, she just did it on her own. She sleeps through every night now unless she is ill or teething, I won't be leaving her to cry in the dark on her in pain to teach her to not need comfort. Because that would be cruel. Obviously.

No one thinks I'm a monster because my baby sleeps on her own, it's really odd that you think that is true

My toddlers sleep 3hrs. And 12hr nights. Obv what they need

You sound like you have been brain washed by a ‘sleep consultant’ or you are one pedalling on social media spouting the same lines to convince yourself it’s okay to leave a child crying and distressed

I never paid a penny for any sleep consultant and have no business with it myself.

Anyone who thinks sleep training involves leaving a baby "distressed" knows nothing about it.

What they need as an individual, yes. But not what many toddlers need! You can’t force a baby to sleep more than they need.

Spot on!

The OP has asked about a one year old, not a small baby. A one year old is a toddler.

Only on Mumsnet would you see advice to be up half the night soothing a one year old. In the real world most of us have gone back to work and we need our sleep. How on earth can you be up and down during the night and then hold down a job?

Yes, it does help, in that she wouldn't sleep at all otherwise. It doesn't help prevent the very frequent wakes!

Yes I agree. I’ve tried both 🤣 and the number of night wakes are the same, but when I’m not co sleeping I have to get up out of bed each time to get the baby, feed, settle him back to sleep and then try to transfer him to the cot every time… no prizes for guessing which is more exhausting!!

Absolutely no impact in how often he wakes though!

Yeah, it's hard. I know I should be embracing the closeness but I don't sleep well when cosleeping. She is an extremely light sleeper (for example, white noise woke her the other night) so I can't move at all. It's uncomfortable, I'm exhausted, I don't get any time to myself at all, and she wakes every 1 or 2 hours and screams at me if I don't give her the boob quickly enough. Minor complaint, I know, I'll pack in the whinging now!

Sorry OP that people are being quite nasty in their responses. Completely fair enough if you don't want to co-sleep or have your own sleep constantly broken!

I was in the same position as you and the lack of sleep really broke me. We hired a sleep consultant and did 'pick up put down' sleep training - we were advised to wait up to 10 minutes before going in, giving a cuddle and reassuring, then putting back down and leaving the room again. We had 2 hard nights and then baby started sleeping longer stretches. It felt like a good method of sleep training as we weren't leaving him crying but he also wasn't constantly relying on us rocking him/lying on the floor next to him/constantly being in his room etc.

Hope things get easier for you.

Our Son’s sleep was like this until he was 18 months. It took us so long to figure it out. He was/ is super bright and extremely active so we thought perhaps his awful sleep habits were developmental (leaps stimulation etc) and he is also very sensitive so we thought that was why he was so attached to me and needed constant comforting through the night. It turned out he had a non-mediated allergy to dairy (or non-IgE-mediated allergy), so an allergy that doesn’t show up in skin or blood tests and one that doesn’t cause obvious reactions like skin irritations or itchy ears etc. We found out when we eventually couldn’t go on any longer and got him private healthcare and it turned out he was constipated (despite pooing a lot everyday!) and he had silent reflux. We worked with a nutritionist and as soon as we took him off dairy he started sleeping better (unfortunately we didn’t get there until 18 months), we replaced dairy with oat milk and made sure he got more calcium from rest of his diet and it resolved in a couple of days, I can’t believe we went through all those nights with him waking every 20-40 mins for so long, thank goodness we didn’t sleep train him. The allergy was giving him tummy pains which he couldn’t ignore during the night when lying still (easier in the day when moving around). He also hated going in prams or car seats as he couldn’t move to regulate the discomfort poor lad and mostly contact napped on me. Wishing you all the best, it’s the hardest thing (sleep deprivation) but it will get easier.

I honestly know exactly what you mean! It is so exhausting. I don’t like to co-sleep nor do I enjoy it (ever)! It’s merely for survival. It won’t be forever though. I hope things improve for you soon 🌺

You too ❤

Your advice is to neglect her child. I am being helpful to the OP by reassuring her that her child is normal, unlike you who has told her that her child is abnormal. Rude and incorrect.

Stop advising people to neglect their children. I will always call out this awful practice of abandoning your child in the dark because you are selfish. It is abusive. Of course you will defend it, I wouldn't expect anything less. Sheer arrogance.

Leave this woman and her baby to better suggestions.

It’s abusive to train a child to keep waking up in the night. Our job as a decent parent, is to help our children sleep soundly.

Funnily enough millions of us manage it, albeit with feeling exceptionally rough.

Due to ND and disability/illness with my kids I've rarely had an undisturbed night in 8 years. I look rough, but I've worked right through (barring maternity leaves of 6w and 3w). This included long periods of hourly waking. Urgh. I'm not dead though.

After Ferber doesn't teach them to sleep, it teaches them to stay quiet if they wake. Research shows they wake just as often, they just know you won't come.

If a child sleeps well naturally, great, but no I did them it's a cause for praise for a child to feel you won't come if they need you. I'd feel terribly sad if my children felt like that

Funnily enough, millions have children that sleep peacefully. My children are all at school now and doing well. They are happy and well adjusted.

Research shows clearly that good sleep is essential for well being. You are deluded if you think getting up and down all night is necessary.

You're deluded if you think all children must be sleep trained. For most, it's just time and they will sleep through naturally by themselves.

Nobody responding to their child in the night is "training" them to wake up.

That is how adults sleep. We don't sleep for a whole night uninterrupted. Our sleep is punctuated by small wake windows that are largely imperceptible to us, but if you wear a sleep tracker you'll see they happen.

Sleep training is helping babies to cope with those wake windows.

There's so much nonsense in this thread about what sleep training is. Abandonment, neglect, ignoring etc. It is none of those things. Sleep training works precisely because it is teaching your child that even if you don't come to them immediately, you are still there for them and if they REALLY need you, you'll be there. You do not leave a baby in a distressed state during sleep training. Babies have different cries and any parent will be able to tell the difference between a cry of protest, fear, distress, tiredness, hunger etc. Sleep training is not ignoring their genuine needs but helping them to deal with the emotions which cause them to have poor sleep.

Done well, it gives them such a sense of calm and peace. We can put our baby to bed, drowsy but awake, with their dummy and comforter, and they will quite happily lie there, stroking their comforter and bopping about, no crying at all, for 10-15 mins before gradually drifting off to sleep. If they wake up in the middle of the night distressed, we of course don't ignore that - that's normally because they've "lost" their dummy and can't find it, so it's an easy intervention. Dummy in, wee stroke of the head and straight back asleep. If they wake up in the middle of the night just doing a bit of tossing and turning, as we all do, they are secure in the knowledge that Mum and Dad are nearby even though they can't see us, and will go back asleep in a few minutes.

Everyone is happy - Mum, Dad and baby.

@bouncingblob okay, but you're ignoring the fact that you don't need to "teach" a baby that. It comes naturally with time for the vast majority of babies.

I didn't want to let my baby cry, even if you wouldn't call them distressed, and I didn't and now they sleep through. Sleep training is not the only way.

Yep, I can agree on that.

However, the OP made this thread because they clearly wanted to teach their baby to self-soothe. Therefore any poster who criticises and admonishes them, and by extension other parents who want to sleep train, would be better not saying anything at all.

That is true. People are very harsh here about those who choose to sleep train.

One of my closest friends did ferber with her dd and she is a great parent. Definitely not abusive or unloving as some people have commented.

I have noticed that sleep-training advocates can be equally as pushy, but I guess the OP did specifically ask for advice on how to sleep train!

This is an excellent post. 👏

It's not co-sleep or ignore, is it? They aren't our only 2 options. Please don't defend your opinion to ignore crying babies because co-sleeping is dangerous.

I dont co-sleep. But I attend to my.baby everytime he wakes. I don't ignore him, don't leave him sobbing for 10 mins until gives in. I go into him and hold him, rock him, tell him I love him. - and yes this makes me a better parent than those that don't.