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Original poster

Am I a pushy parent?

111 replies

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

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Clutterbug2026 · 31/12/2025 11:45

Does he enjoy doing it or would he rather do something else?

EatYourDamnPie · 31/12/2025 11:47

Does he WANT to play football(for a team rather than for fun)? Does he actually have any interest in it? Did he actually ask to play, or did you just sign him up because it’s “what you do”?

APurpleSquirrel · 31/12/2025 11:47

Is he doesn’t play football or follow it in his spare time, or want to go to practice why are you making him? There’s lots of other sports he could try & enjoy.

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FunkyBiddyPop · 31/12/2025 11:48

What does HE want to do?

My feeling is he's 8 and as long as he enjoys it, it doesn't matter how well he plays or if they win (although appreciate that being part of a team, it's important to try your best - but I'm sure the persistent losses aren't all down to just DS).

Oneforallandallforone · 31/12/2025 11:53

Your post is about your feelings, not your son’s feelings.

What other activities has he tried and enjoyed?

ThePerfectWeekend · 31/12/2025 11:56

Sounds like it's dad's hobby, not DS's. Let him choose his sports.

HollyhockDays · 31/12/2025 11:56

Does he enjoy football? Does your husband do it because his son is doing it?

I don’t think you should “punish” him for not trying - he’s not that into it. My son did rugby but because he wanted to hang out with his friends and he made minimal effort. Other kids really wanted to win (as did some over competitive dads…).

TheNightingalesStarling · 31/12/2025 11:56

Childrens sport should be about enjoyment.

Is he happy with his das being the coach? Many children do better for not having the coach being so known to them.

Clefable · 31/12/2025 11:57

You seem to be more worried about how good he is at football rather than whether he enjoys it or not.

Grumblies · 31/12/2025 11:58

It doesn't sound like he ever actually showed any interest in football and just does it because his dad is a coach. Maybe instead of worrying about how good he is you should ask the poor kid what he would like to do.

stealthninjamum · 31/12/2025 12:06

It’s ridiculous to force a child to do a hobby they don’t necessarily enjoy for 5 hours a week. Op, stop being so self centred and think about your poor son. The fact that you were thinking of pushing him harder does not reflect well on you.

in my view the only activity a child should be ‘forced’ to do is swimming as that’s an important life skill. Then they should be given opportunities to find interests and hobbies that appeal to them.

Dd1 refuses to see her dad. One of the reasons is he forced her to take up his hobby and she didn’t want to do it. When she reached 13 she found her voice and now refuses to have a relationship with him.

Endofyear · 31/12/2025 12:11

One of my sons played football, local team, local league etc but at 8 yrs old, he was training once a week and playing a match on Saturday! It's supposed to be fun and not pressure to perform well, they're kids!

Have you asked your son if he actually enjoys football or if he'd prefer to do some other sport? It may be that he's just doing it because he thinks it's what you and his dad want him to do!

Trainsandcars · 31/12/2025 12:14

Maybe accept he either isnt that into football or isnt that competitive (yet). He's only 8 and it may come later.

I'd try him on some other sports.

You are pushy but thats not the problem. The issue is you might just put him off sports altogether which he might otherwise enjoy later or enjoy other sports.

NuffSaidSam · 31/12/2025 12:18

You've focussed entirely on whether he's good or not and whether it's a waste of your time or not. No mention of whether he wants to play football or enjoys it.

I think you should perhaps move your focus slightly to what your son would enjoy.

PollyBell · 31/12/2025 12:21

Have asyone bothered to actually find out what yours son wants to do or is that unimportant

Octavia64 · 31/12/2025 12:21

My DD was like this with ballet.

she really really loved it, but comparing her to the other girls was painful. I just let her enjoy it.

she had to drop it when we moved house anyway.

sometimes kids enjoy stuff but don’t focus and concentrate on getting better.

BauhausOfEliott · 31/12/2025 12:43

Has it occurred to you that your son just doesn’t like football very much?

He doesn’t bother to try with his team and he never wants to play football in the garden. He’s clearly not that interested. He’s going along for his dad, that’s all.

mikado1 · 31/12/2025 12:58

At 8 it is really for enjoyment as a first and football development then. I think5h too much at this age for the vast majority. Two fun weekly sessions would be the norm here at that age and then 3h a week plus a fortnightly small sided league match from 9 on. My sons play and are naturally motivated and competitive. The drive to take part comes completely from them. We just facilitate it. Ideally this is what you want. I have never bribed or punished, don't know what you are thinking of here please dont this to your 8yo you will turn him off forever. And despite their drive both of mine have bad, sluggish days. I say nothing.

Everleigh13 · 31/12/2025 12:59

Does he enjoy football and does he want to play it 3 times a week?

If he doesn’t want to I wouldn’t force it.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/12/2025 13:02

Does he want to do it? It sounds like he's not fussed. My DS was the same. Now he does jujutsu instead and he loves it.

carlchem · 31/12/2025 13:29

It sounds like he's sporty but he's not interested in football.
Bin the football and let him try some other sports instead.
Maybe he doesn't like his Dad being his coach and also just because his Dad likes football doesn't mean he does.

I think if he was really interested he'd be playing football in his spare time and practising his skills independently.

chunkyBoo · 31/12/2025 13:37

Kids just need to find something they like to do. Mine loved swimming, gymnastics but hated ballet, tennis and running sports. DS hated rugby and football, but loves orienteering, camping, walking etc so we do these with him and DH has joined the scouts club as one of the leaders. They both like a bit of my DH favourite sport canoeing but they don’t enjoy when it’s cold, or too much of it … so he often goes alone

PersephonePomegranate · 31/12/2025 13:49

Yes, you are.

Do you or your DH have aspirations for your son to be a pro footballer or something?

whereyagoing · 31/12/2025 13:54

As much as sport should be about enjoyment, enjoyment generally comes from being good at something.

Would he respond better to someone who isn’t his dad coaching him?

WarmGreyHare · 31/12/2025 13:57

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

Think your attitude is totally wrong tbh.
Have you asked him if he enjoys football? Or is he doing it because you chose it for him? If he doesn't enjoy it then let him leave and try something else. Or if he is happy with how it is ATM then leave him alone.
Physical activity is important, sports are not.
And he should be able to take part in something he enjoys at a hobby level without you getting upset if he isn't very good at it.