Am I a pushy parent?

[DodecahedronCat]

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

Yeah he would be fine, we discussed it before he started coaching the team, whether he would continue if DS quits or has to move
teams for whatever reason. He would stick with the team as he is invested in them too now, if it were to get in the way of there relationship then he would quit.

This is an important point, and agree with Otter re parental pressure causing problematic relationships down the line (often many years down the line). We all want our children to do well, but you have to get in the habit of catching yourself as soon as you find yourself wanting success more than the child wants it for themselves, because that's where the slippery slope starts. It's important that children learn to persevere, to work with others, to turn up reliably even when they don't feel like it - those are the things you should be looking to sport/extra curricular activities to provide.

I would add that very high levels of sporting achievement, even where the child is older and has clearly chosen it themselves are not without downsides, as the amount of time and effort they have to put into it means that many other things get crowded out by the need for single-minded focus. My dc who did sport at GB level was doing two 2-hour training sessions six days a week (morning and evening - 24 hours a week) throughout sixth form and university. I wasn't thrilled about it at the time, because I could see the pressure she was under, but she was obviously at an age where those were her decisions to make and not mine. I don't think she now regrets it as such because she did have some amazing experiences, but she's definitely ambivalent about it with hindsight, as it pushed her to the borders mentally and physically, and she now sees what else she could have been doing with her time and energy during those years.

Why does he need to be good at it?
Team sports promote teamwork and learning to lose.
Its excellent exercise. Spending quality time with his Dad. Time not spent on electronics.
Making new friends too.
If he enjoys going no need to stop.
You can certainly talk to him about how putting effort in equals rewards as thats an important lesson to learn.

That’s a great update. I’m definitely a pushy mum but for stuff they have a true interest in.

Op age 4 isn’t too young for footy. Loads start at two at mini footy type stuff. A lot of clubs will have soccer schools for age3 up (Boys academies have elite groups by under 5!!)

Find a sport he enjoys more, pay for one 2 one coaching. If you want results, you generally need private tuition, not group practice. I’d say you aren’t as pushy as you think you are.

’Baby’ groups would be for 2,3 year olds. 4 + is school age or pre-school and isn’t too young to get into football.

You sound awful, TBH. I had a pushy parent and had to do a number of sports/ hobbies I loathed as a child. So many traumatic memories.

“He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing”. This tells you everything you need to know. It’s painfully obvious.

“But would your DH be OK with him quitting? For me i think my DH wouldn't want him to quit.” Im so sorry, but I think that’s awful. Do you really want your 8 year old investing so much time each week, just to simply please his Dad?

Personally I would sit down with him and ask him what he wants to do if he wants to do it for fun (persay) then explain that that's okay but he might not get picked to play every week and when he does get picked he might not get full games
If he wants to do it more serious then tell him needs to put more effort into improvement
If he doesn't want to do it at all then end it there and then

My feeling is that if he liked football he would always be kicking a ball around.