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Am I a pushy parent?

111 replies

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

OP posts:
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Floundering66 · 01/01/2026 08:08

You do sound pushy to me. You don’t have to be great at sports to make doing them worthwhile. It’s time outside, exercise, team work, socialising and so much more. I think if he enjoys it let him continue and if he wants to stop that’s fine also. If you make it a chore you will take the fun out of it.

PinkBobby · 01/01/2026 08:18

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

Step 1 - ask your son what’s going on: does he like football or would he rather try another hobby. Or maybe what he really wants is more ‘down’ time. Your biggest win is him feeling like he can just be honest with you about the sport, his dad’s anger or whatever those chats bring up for him. That communication (and you being able to just listen/not judge/not bribe or use guilt) matter way more when it comes to your son having good mental health and, therefore, a resilient, confident approach when it comes to competing or sticking at challenging things.

Regardless of what you or your husband want, he might not be into football and pushing it so much every week won’t change that. Why not put 5 hours into what your son actually wants to do rather than what you think he should be doing?

Step 2 - get your husband to do something with your DS that your son picks/enjoys. Your son will probably have picked up on your husband’s mood post practice and internalised it. That’s a tough place for a son to be - they idolise their dads at that age. Your husband needs to repair the damage by spending time together in your son’s world and showing him that he doesn’t have to be a footballer to be loved by him. This might sound OTT but kids take this stuff really personally and are hypersensitive to their parents’ mood/reactions. If you are picking up on your husband’s mood, your kid will feel that even more and it will be impacting his sense of self/confidence as all he wants is for his dad to thinks he’s incredible. And any praise or treats he gets when he performs as you’d hoped (30% of the time) can cement the idea to your son that he is loved and adored when he performs (which means he isn’t the other 70% of the time).

Step 3 - remember your son is 8. Him being able to tell you he doesn’t like football or is maybe doing it too much every week (kids need rest too!) or that he feels sad about his dad’s attitude post practice so doesn’t feel like trying is a way better result/what you should be encouraging over bribing him to do a sport or activity that he has not interest in/has lost interest in because he isn’t ’good enough’. And please don’t think I’m suggesting you or your OH are trying to put him down or don’t have his best interests at heart. I think sometimes we all miss the most important part of these parenting dilemmas which is whether our kid is communicating to us what’s going on or pushing it all down and ‘performing’ for us because they just want to feel loved and accepted.

kezzykate · 01/01/2026 08:42

Why are you so set on football? It sounds like he doesn’t enjoy it - can you imagine having to do all those hours of a sport which you don’t really like? Find what he does enjoy, there are plenty of other sports out there. My ds, aged 10, has always hated football but is a talented swimmer and swims competitively and loves playing tennis or going running with me.

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TrustyRusty68 · 01/01/2026 09:20

Does he enjoy playing football? Maybe it’s not the hobby / activity for him? There’s lots of other sports out there :-)

NeverNic · 01/01/2026 09:59

He is 8. The attention span isn’t there and at his age, he isn’t competing for a place, and he has to turn up because Dad coaches, so there is very little drive or determination, which can impact how much effort they put in.

It also might be his personality. I have one son who is naturally very driven and has been since he was little. The other one just shows up and expects to be amazing. He has potential but not the desire to improve. He doesn’t however want to drop out of anything when we have spoken to him about it.

What we have found helps is watching the chosen sport so they understand the game and the point of the drills. (Including watching older children train). My sons don’t focus on one sport. It’s a pain for time commitments but helps widen their interests and friendship groups. I’m a massive advocate for rugby as the emphasis is on teamwork and development. The whole England RFU set up means scores can’t be formally kept record of until U12 and mixed ability is the expectation during primary school. This is the opposite to my experience of football.

Our youngest also does a sport for fun that his Dad doesn’t play. No expectation to win. He turns up and everyone in the group is a beginner so learning together. It’s really helped the concentration and improve perseverance.

Sport is great for lots of wellbeing and health reasons and I don’t agree that three times a week is a lot. Just see if there is something else he wants to do too for balance.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/01/2026 10:10

So painfully obvious. Poor kid.

Feralgremlin · 01/01/2026 10:13

Have you asked him if he actually wants to play? I coach rugby and am exceptionally clear with the parents that the boys should be a part of the team because they want to be, not because their parents want them to be. We are also encouraged by the RFU to promote the players trying and engaging with a range of different sports.

Even if he does want to play, team sports at this age are just as much about developing teamwork and communication skills, sportsmanship, friendships, and a love of being active (skills that they will take through to their adult life) as they are about developing football skills. Your DH may do well to remember this and realise he is coaching children who will turn into adults, not just football players, and his bad moods aren’t demonstrating the sportsmanship his players should be showing.

All this to say, yes, you are being a pushy parent. You need to sit down with your son and find out if this is the sport he actually wants to be doing, and if it is, change your mindset completely, he’s only 8!

minipie · 01/01/2026 10:13

Yes you sound pushy and your husband more so. Maybe your DS is being put off by his parents’ attitude.

He’s 8. It’s a hobby, a fun activity. It doesn’t matter how good he is or how driven he is. It only matters whether he enjoys it.

ThatMiddleClassFood · 01/01/2026 12:11

Does he want to do football?

I'm from a big football city and the amount of parents who want their kids to be the next big football superstar is ridiculous they try to make football their and their kids life but a lot of the kids couldn't care less. It feels very Billy Elliot making your kid do a sport without asking them what they want to do.

coolcahuna · 01/01/2026 12:19

Nah, my son was a massive footballer as a kid and wild horses couldn't have curbed his enthusiasm for it. Literally lived and breathed it. Still enjoys now as an adult. Let him find the thing that he loves.

PollyPhonic · 01/01/2026 13:44

My dc are now adults, and out of the four of them one did music to Grade 8+ county orchestra level, and two did sport to a high standard, one to GB level. Along this road I have encountered many many pushy parents, so I have some views on what is and isn't reasonable in terms of supporting your dc, and how those things are likely to pan out in the future.

Things that are reasonable:

-Insisting a child does some kind of physical activity once a week;
-Insisting that a child who has chosen an activity sees out the term that you have signed them up to/have paid for when they try and sack off on the first wet Thursday evening in November;
Insisting that a child who wants to be a member of a sports team turns up to the scheduled practice sessions;
-Insisting that a child who has chosen to have music lessons does the required amount of practice every day.

You will note that these things are not about attaining high levels in the chosen activity, they are mainly about teaching the child commitment, responsibility and perserverance, as well as learning to take pleasure in mastery of a skill and how to work with others.

Things that are not reasonable and should cause you to give your head a wobble:

-Expecting your child to be good at the activity they have chosen, particularly if you find yourself bothered that other dc are better/faster/more skilled than them;
-Expecting your child to be motivated to do an activity that you have chosen for them, particularly if either parent has done this activity in the past/wishes they had done this activity/is actively involved in the sport/activity themselves. Parents coaching their own child in a group setting is a particularly problematic scenario IME.
-Pushing your primary-age child to do more than one session of a particular sport per week, unless this is something that they are very highly motivated to do themselves.
-Pushing/guilt-tripping the child into continuining an activity which they are clearly ambivalent about. If it seems like they're not enjoying something, conversations need to be had about trying to find something that might appeal to them more.

What you are doing is pretty much all four of the unreasonable items, and it will not end well. The child may comply if there is a lot of parental pressure and/or that is their personality, but it will come back to bite you, either via increased levels of family conflict, or you end up putting the child off any kind of sport. You're also missing an opportunity to support your child to find an activity that they enjoy and which they can continue through their teenage years - positive involvement in structured sport or music is brilliant for teenagers as it takes them away from all the far less wholesome things they could be doing with their time and provides them with a similarly-minded peer group. The participation is the key here, not the actual level of achievement.

The path you are taking is likely to achieve the precise opposite of that kind of good outcome. You and your dh need to take a long hard look at yourselves, have a proper rethink and TALK TO YOUR CHILD about what he actually wants and how you can support him to do that.

VoltaireMittyDream · 01/01/2026 13:50

I simply can’t imagine getting this worked up about an 8-year-old’s sporting performance.

deste · 01/01/2026 14:00

My DH played professional football but our son wasnt interested. He was sporty and was a successful swimmer he also played hockey for his country.
I would say he isnt interested in football. There will be something else for him.

Blakeley · 01/01/2026 15:59

He’s probably not putting in the effort because he doesn’t want to be there, it’s no fun for him it’s a chore. He will also be able to sense his parents dissatisfaction and how demotivating is that. If you want your child to grow up with a positive relationship with sport you need to adjust your attitude, not his. Ask him if he’s enjoying his football and if not what would he rather be doing, if he is doing something he truly enjoys andwith no pressure on him he’ll want to be there and he will then be putting in the effort you are trying to push out of him.

Samiloff · 01/01/2026 16:07

Poor boy.

Maybe he’s just not particularly keen on football? Why should he be, just because you and your DH are? Or maybe he’s happy to play it and enjoys it, but has no ambition to be first-class at it.

Can't a child have hobbies that they just enjoy casually, without having pressure on them to excel?

DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:08

GlmPmum · 31/12/2025 15:09

He doesn’t sound interested in football and is just going along with what you want.

My DS is of a similar age and his dad the coach of his team. He trains and plays every weekend on top of training with an academy mid week. Together they are obsessed with it, always in the garden playing or training, practicing skills. They go to watch premiership football matches together and talk non stop about it, playing football games on the switch and reading books about it, to the point I often feel left out.

Should my DS come home one day and decide he was done, fine, we will keep an eye out for the next hobby or interest. Little point in pushing them to do something they don’t want to, would only create resentment.

But would your DH be OK with him quitting?
For me i think my DH wouldn't want him to quit.

Its not actually me that wants DS to do football. I personally think he would enjoy something like athletics more. But my DH loves football and wants to share it with DS. I think he wouldn't want to let DH down so goes along with it. When asked he says he loves it and wants to be a footballer, but his actions say different!

OP posts:
DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:11

PollyPhonic · 01/01/2026 13:44

My dc are now adults, and out of the four of them one did music to Grade 8+ county orchestra level, and two did sport to a high standard, one to GB level. Along this road I have encountered many many pushy parents, so I have some views on what is and isn't reasonable in terms of supporting your dc, and how those things are likely to pan out in the future.

Things that are reasonable:

-Insisting a child does some kind of physical activity once a week;
-Insisting that a child who has chosen an activity sees out the term that you have signed them up to/have paid for when they try and sack off on the first wet Thursday evening in November;
Insisting that a child who wants to be a member of a sports team turns up to the scheduled practice sessions;
-Insisting that a child who has chosen to have music lessons does the required amount of practice every day.

You will note that these things are not about attaining high levels in the chosen activity, they are mainly about teaching the child commitment, responsibility and perserverance, as well as learning to take pleasure in mastery of a skill and how to work with others.

Things that are not reasonable and should cause you to give your head a wobble:

-Expecting your child to be good at the activity they have chosen, particularly if you find yourself bothered that other dc are better/faster/more skilled than them;
-Expecting your child to be motivated to do an activity that you have chosen for them, particularly if either parent has done this activity in the past/wishes they had done this activity/is actively involved in the sport/activity themselves. Parents coaching their own child in a group setting is a particularly problematic scenario IME.
-Pushing your primary-age child to do more than one session of a particular sport per week, unless this is something that they are very highly motivated to do themselves.
-Pushing/guilt-tripping the child into continuining an activity which they are clearly ambivalent about. If it seems like they're not enjoying something, conversations need to be had about trying to find something that might appeal to them more.

What you are doing is pretty much all four of the unreasonable items, and it will not end well. The child may comply if there is a lot of parental pressure and/or that is their personality, but it will come back to bite you, either via increased levels of family conflict, or you end up putting the child off any kind of sport. You're also missing an opportunity to support your child to find an activity that they enjoy and which they can continue through their teenage years - positive involvement in structured sport or music is brilliant for teenagers as it takes them away from all the far less wholesome things they could be doing with their time and provides them with a similarly-minded peer group. The participation is the key here, not the actual level of achievement.

The path you are taking is likely to achieve the precise opposite of that kind of good outcome. You and your dh need to take a long hard look at yourselves, have a proper rethink and TALK TO YOUR CHILD about what he actually wants and how you can support him to do that.

Thank you for this response. It's genuinely useful and I can see we are definitely guilty of doing some of those things you mention.

OP posts:
SpinningaCompass · 01/01/2026 17:11

I'd be sitting your DH down to tell him he will ruin his relationship with his son, not make it stronger, if he pushes his son to do something he loves rather than something his son loves.

DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:16

Thank you to everyone who replied.
I came for honesty and thats what i got!

It has given me a bit of a reality check, many of you said I am making it about myself, and i can actually see thats true.
I want him to be good at things. My DH does as well. I have been comparing him to others. We have been telling him he needs to put more effort in, work harder, try harder etc etc.
I think on reflection we are taking the fun out of it.

He does play football at school, no coaches around or parents he enjoys it.

Im going to tall to DH about him stopping the coaching, about us stopping the pressure /comments on his performance, about keeping it fun.

My DS loved being in his school play this Xmas so I asked him if he would like to try performing arts with my DD and he said he would love to, so he's signed up for a taster of that.

Thanks for the criticism, all I want is to be a good mum, if ive got it wrong I need to change things for my boy 👦

OP posts:
HighStreetOtter · 01/01/2026 17:22

I want him to be good at things

that’s the main thing you need to change. You need to want him to be happy, to be kind, to be a good kid, to have fun and be happy. Sure to try his hardest at school and not coast but he doesn’t have to be good at stuff.

I always thought I’d try to celebrate effort not achievement. i also wouldn’t expect effort in extra curricular stuff a child isn’t interested in.

my dc are in their mid 20s now so i have seen a lot of kids and their parents over the years. I can promise you I know a significant number of DD’s friends who have very problematic relationships with their parents now and saying stuff that they felt too much pressure as a kid, made to feel they were never good enough, that it’s affected their confidence, etc and they really blame their parents for a whole host of things.

Parker231 · 01/01/2026 17:23

DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:08

But would your DH be OK with him quitting?
For me i think my DH wouldn't want him to quit.

Its not actually me that wants DS to do football. I personally think he would enjoy something like athletics more. But my DH loves football and wants to share it with DS. I think he wouldn't want to let DH down so goes along with it. When asked he says he loves it and wants to be a footballer, but his actions say different!

Does your 4 year old also do football?

DPotter · 01/01/2026 17:24

Came on to say wise words from Pollyphonic and am please you have read and taken them to heart.

Hope your DS enjoys his performing arts taster

somanychristmaslights · 01/01/2026 17:27

3 times a week is a lot. My DS8 does training one evening and then the match at the weekend. I think that’s quite normal, 3 times is a lot?

DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:49

Parker231 · 01/01/2026 17:23

Does your 4 year old also do football?

No, shes too young but does a little baby dance class.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 01/01/2026 17:53

DodecahedronCat · 01/01/2026 17:49

No, shes too young but does a little baby dance class.

There are fun football classes from toddlers upwards. Might be worth getting her in a fun class? DT’s both loved it.