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Original poster

Am I a pushy parent?

111 replies

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

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Tryagain26 · 31/12/2025 16:14

Why don't you just let him have fun and enjoy himself.
If he doesn't enjoy competitive football then don't push it. The quickest way to put someone of something is to make it a chore rather than something enjoyable

feathermucker · 31/12/2025 16:16

Why not actually talk to him and get his feelings about it all?

Snorlaxo · 31/12/2025 16:16

Your ds is clearly indifferent about football where as the girls are passionate so they can focus on the match and practice more.

If you insist he plays regardless of enjoyment then you are being pushy (unreasonable) If he’s just young and lacks stamina to concentrate and do well for the whole match then that’s a different scenario.

My son never played for a team but was always invited to play football at school and enjoys a kick about with friends out of school too. I think that’s absolutely fine and I have no opinion about the fact that he’s not amazing at football. It’s fine playing sport for fun and fitness imo and your son is at an age where football starts to become serious with leagues and stuff. It’s perfectly fine for your h to coach a team that doesn’t include ds.

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Mt563 · 31/12/2025 17:01

Why can't he just enjoy something without it being a development opportunity or about winning?

GardenCovent · 31/12/2025 17:03

Until you find out what your DS wants to do your question is irrelevant

TheVoiceOfReason91 · 31/12/2025 17:44

I'd say he doesn't like football and it seems like it's being pushed on him to much if he wanted to do it then he would engage more with it id say keep him away from it abit and see if he asks to go back if he does then that's where you say if you go back you need to put more effort in and not just go to mess around

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 31/12/2025 17:46

So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

Neither? How about let him play if he wants to and enjoys it? Does he want to? Does he enjoy it?

fiorentina · 31/12/2025 17:52

Maybe be just likes playing for fun. 8 is still young and he had years to mature. Does he actually express an interest in playing at a higher level. I’ve stood on the sidelines with lots of pushy parents who want their DC to be better but not sure the player wants to be under that pressure.

Having a DD who is a good footballer playing at a high level now, I would say that your point re being beaten by girls is interesting. From our experience girls will listen more in training and seriously practise is they want to improve. I also have a DS and boys he’s played with just don’t seem to do this so readily.

ResusciAnnie · 31/12/2025 17:55

And you’re making him do football because….? Because his dad wants him to basically.

DisappointedD · 31/12/2025 17:57

You could be describing my DS, when he was good, he was very good, but consistent at all. At about 11 he suddenly decided he didn’t want to play football and wanted to try rugby. He was like a different child. Completely consistently focused.

I wouldn’t change what we did, he kept playing, he stayed fit and healthy but I would lay off the pressure, just let him play. No extra sessions or punishments.

eurotravel · 31/12/2025 18:05

A girls team playing in a mixed Xmas tournament are likely to be a team of high level players who do a lot of extra sessions and are ETC/academy now or heading towards. They won’t be a bunch of normal grassroots girls who only train an hour a week… some coaching companies specialise in this.

TheLivelyCat · 31/12/2025 18:11

My DD age 10 plays football, at this stage she enjoys it, it's a hobby for her. I will support her in her decision as to how far she wants to take it.

I support her in it but wouldn't force her to play. What are you hopping long term will come of him playing Football, (go, pro etc) as it reads that way. For now we focus on having fun.

BIL was asked to join a team but he decided not too, as it wasn't his intention to go professional, even with the skills, Cousin was asked too, but again happy to play local. Another cousin has been signed on to a team, she had a moment thought that she wasn't sure if it was for her but felt obliged as her parents put so much extra training into her. It almost becoming a bage of houner for them, not her.

BuildbyNumbere · 31/12/2025 18:11

Does he actually enjoy doing it? Maybe you are pushing him too much, there is such thing as too much training that it becomes boring. Maybe his Dad being the coach is too much pressure … or maybe he feels he can get away with more as his Dad is the coach. He might not mentally be mature enough to be focused … girls mature earlier than boys. He’s 8 remember … I’d reduce the training and maybe let him try something else also.

Anyahyacinth · 31/12/2025 18:15

How does DH's bad mood affect family life?

allthingsinmoderation · 31/12/2025 18:17

Ask your son if he enjoys football?
Ask him if he wants to improve his football or would he prefer to try another sporting or other hobby.
It maybe he enjoys it but isn't highly competitive,he may be he does it because he doesnt feel he has other options or that its what you or hid dad want him to do.
If it isnt what your son wants or enjoys you are all wasting your time .
Talk to him ..

SpinningaCompass · 31/12/2025 18:21

DodecahedronCat · 31/12/2025 11:44

I have two children 8 and 4 .
The 8yo DS does football 3 times a week, his dad is the coach and he plays in a low level league. They sometimes do tournaments but never win. My DH often comes home from training in such a bad mood because DS has a "bad attitude". When i watch the matches he is 70% of the tim3 putting in minimal effort, doesn't seem to pay attention and is generally rubbish. 30% of the time he is brilliant and I think " wow is this is the same child. DS is naturally very fit and active, he loves running about and I think he has the potential to be good at any sport but he just doesn't seem to care. He never plays football in the garden or seems to be interested in practicing. I think for us to be putting in 5 hours a week as a family to his football he should be much better. How do we get him there? Part of me thinks we should just stop taking him to football so he realises if he doesn't try he cant do it, but then another part thinks maybe I should push him more with extra 1 to 1 coaching, bribes/incentives for working hard so that he can see himself develop.
I watched a tournament this weekend where a girls team beat all the boys teams. Those girls were so focused and I realised it is possible.
So should I sack off the football or push him harder? I dont want him to do it and be rubbish as I feel this is a waste of time.

He's doing too much training for his age, frankly, for something he clearly doesn't love. Suspect he's doing it to make his dad happy to quite a degree as well based on your post.

Do not push an 8 year old to 'do better' or 'do more' in a sport. It's not healthy and you will actually end up pushing them out of it altogether.

ChamonixMountainBum · 31/12/2025 18:23

I coach juniors at my rowing club and there is nothing more depressing then trying to coach a kid who simply does not want to be there. Its also completely unfair on the other keen kids who are being indirectly let down by someone in their crew who does not care. Some parents are just selfish insofar as projecting their ambitions onto their kids. Let him choose his own interests ir hobbies.

LadyQuackBeth · 31/12/2025 18:37

It's become a chore, too often, probably too repetitive and the super keen kids will be pushing to the front.

I'd reduce it to one training and one game at 8 and let him do other sports on other days, if they complement football, even better. I'd definitely have swimming in there, maybe junior parkrun, a racquet sport maybe. Cast the net wide at 8 and see what sticks. You'll be able to guage his enthusiasm better if you see the things he really wants to do alongside things he's unbothered about.

Skybluepinky · 31/12/2025 18:37

So dad enjoys football, and child has to do it because dad is coach?

Phoenixfire1988 · 31/12/2025 18:55

Sounds like he doesn't enjoy it or want to do it but its forced on him . Hve you actually bothered to ask if he even wants to play football or do you only care about what you and your dh want him to do ?

Lovestotravel79 · 31/12/2025 19:19

Push him harder!! You can’t be serious. I think the whole ethos of Grassroots has passed you by!! You are sucking the joy out of something that should be enjoyable and your son should be doing with a smile on his face. I personally don’t think a parent should coach their own child but i think that is the least of your issues currently.

Starbright12 · 31/12/2025 21:01

In my opinion football doesn’t sound like it’s his thing. My DC is very football focused and does 6+ hours a week small group coaching and team training/matches. They are skilled and are being developed as a player. However, they enjoy it immensely and every spare minute is spent with a ball at their feet. If they ever stopped enjoying it we’d stop going - what’s the point in doing something you don’t enjoy. Life is too short so why push your child into something they don’t like.

eurotravel · 01/01/2026 01:39

lots of kids (most) love playing with mates but don’t aspire to excel. Learning life skills. Enjoy that

ForFunGoose · 01/01/2026 01:44

I found summer camps a good way to find my kids interests without too much commitment.
If they love it you won’t have to nag.

Also my mother was my leader in an extra curricular activity and I hated it.

Bemused89 · 01/01/2026 02:01

Read the message you typed. Slowly. The problem should become clear. He doesn't want to do football and is doing it to please his parents. For some reason this has become a hyperfocus for you? Why is it important that he does it for both of you?

I would have a conversation with him in a non judgemental way asking does he still enjoy it? Does he still want to do it. And ask why. Children will often try to please their parents and meet their expectations. Explain that what is important is that he is happy and enjoys it. Because that's what should be the priority.