Normal 3 year old, neurodivergence, bad parenting or something else?

[Cheepcheepcheep]

I posted on the ‘kids that aren’t quelled by anger’ thread and it made me think it might be worth asking here.

I have a 3.5yo (May 22) DS who I adore. When happy/balanced, he is kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic and an utter joy. But our challenges:

• extreme tantrums. Hitting, kicking, corpsing, shrieking and screaming. Easily happening four or five times a day. The slightest thing can set them off - even when it’s something he wants to do - for example, he wanted to come to the car this morning to help me find my travel cup. Of course you can my love - just need to put shoes on if we’re going outside. Cue screams of NOOOOOO and kicking me.
• Thinks he has low sleep needs but he’s actually bloody knackered most of the time. Will do 10 hours on the dot (7 - 5, 7.30-5.30, 8-6). We’ve shuffled bedtimes around and it’s always bang on ten hours. Won’t nap unless we’re in the car but is so tired even a 5 min journey in the afternoon will cause him to nod off.
• Very picky with food. As in, I’ve got probably 10 items he’ll eat (example cheese - but not if it isn’t from a block of cheddar, won’t touch a baby bel or a cheese string) He’s underweight as a result and I’m convinced it’s not helping with sleep.
• Very loud - I know preschoolers are loud but he screams and shout and even when he’s happy he’s talking very loud. He’s under investigation for glue ear though so could explain that.
• Just general unhappiness - he’s such a gorgeous little soul when he’s happy but that’s not much of the time.
• We’ve had a few issues with hitting at nursery but there does seem to be a few boys who are instigating it so that’s not just him.
• Can’t sit still for a bloody second!

Some autism concerns I can definitely rule out - he’s great with eye contact, chats to anyone - although I appreciate it’s a spectrum. My suspicions lie in the ADHD direction. My MiL says my husband was just like this as a kid - she means to reassure me but fairly sure DH is undiagnosed ADHD so that doesn’t help!

I adore this little chap but parenting him is so, so bloody hard and we’re at loggerheads most of the day. DD, his older sister, is a fairly easy kid but I feel bad for them both that there’s so much conflict.

I know it’s early to consider SEND but is it possible there’s more to this than just normal 3yo behaviour? DH and I are exhausted by it and have a lot of other stressors so it’s possible I’m not parenting well.

Any insights from parents of ND or NT kids would be gratefully received…

I think a lot of this could come down to being chronically sleep deprived. I'd not rule out ND but I'd focus everything you can on getting more sleep in him.
You say he will nap in the car- could you schedule in a drive after lunch every day? After thus becones habit you might find he will sleep at that time with snuggles on the sofa/ in bed.

He sounds a lot like my son who is the same age and things have got a lot better since we really worked on his sleep. Bed time is later for us 8:30/9 but we have a nice wind down of bath, lavender warm cuddly toy often a sleepy herbal tea and snuggling on the soda for half a movie each night.

I know people can be funny about TV before bed but you've got to parent the child you have and more recent research gas no difference in sleep quality with TV before/ no TV before bed. This is how my son can calm down for a peaceful bedtime and therefore better quality sleep.