Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

How is it misogynistic to say that both these young people are promiscuous and a DNA test hasn’t been sought so the baby’s paternity is in question?

He shouldn't do anything until he knows if he's the father.

What a little shit.

“Mangelwurzelfortea
This is a horrible post.”

Yeh…didn’t you know; “truth hurts “.

What a ridiculous post. They aren't great, they aren't grandparents, the MTB isn't a mother yet, it won't be easier when there is "something to cuddle" 🤮 and we have no idea if DS will be a great dad - he isn't a dad yet and may not be the dad of the baby! What a load of bonkers tosh.

No-one has said the girl should 'suffer by herself' though, have they?

She was paying for taxis to the hospital so instead of giving her a lift or offering to pay for them, the OP and his wife thought 'I know, we'll tell her to sleep at our house even though we have no idea whether we're related to her baby, even though she has residential support staff and a social worker'.

'We won't push for a DNA test because fuck it, it doesn't matter'.

It's too weird and I just hope they don't drop her like a hot brick if it turns out the baby isn't their son's.

The girl,isn’t by herself. How do you know she is suffering by herself ? People need to stop turning this into a sepia tone tragedy that she has to be saved by @WillfredJohn . She has allocated worker,there will be pre and post birth planning, she has accommodation. She is not suffering by herself, you are literally making that up. Enough handwringing

It's more all the comments about how she's a manipulative person trying to get something she doesn't deserve. It sounds like she's actually really young and vulnerable.

But yes, also accusing her of 'promiscuity' doesn't sit right with me, either. For all you know, this could have been her first time, she could have been in love, she could have thought that having sex was a way to get the son to like her, she could have been drunk and he took advantage... I don't know, but I think assuming that she's a slut (which is what people mean by promiscuous) is misogynistic.

I don't know if OP and his wife are crossing a line here - maybe they are. But sometimes people need help and it sounds like this young girl does right now. Even if the child isn't the son's. Which is up to him and her to figure out.

I feel like I've banged my head and am having some sort of fever dream.

Accusations of misogyny and people advocating for OP to THROW HIS OWN SON OUT OF THE HOUSE and move in a vulnerable young girl who is pregnant with someone's baby who may or may not be OP's DS's.

Meanwhile, he, a grown man, is pushing himself into this vulnerable girl's life with talk of how strong and tenacious she is, speaking to her social workers and having her for sleepovers, all the while insisting that a very sensible DNA test is FAR too intrusive and inappropriate.

It's like the start of one of those airport thrillers.

She has help. Accommodation. Pre and post birth workers. Support with finances. She has help

I'm not 'handwringing'. Jesus wept. Ever heard of 'compassion'? It's a thing some people feel for others going through a tough time. You might want to check it out sometime.

You think she was in love with the boy she had a drunken shag with at a party? I doubt it.

YABU op

You are v much handwringing and making it a Dickensian tragedy. She has support, she and baby are in sight. This doesn’t need compassion of strangers it need robust planning, strategy meetings, post birth planning @wrongthinker

OP has disappeared too, since the effusive praise has dried up...

The son is the one unhappy with the pregnancy.. If he didn't want a pregnancy, he should have taken steps to prevent it. If the girl didn't want the baby she had the option of an abortion, which she didn't take. It looks like she wants the baby.

DNA test is necessary and should not be an issue to bring it up. If she reacts badly let her be and stop being involved. Your son was not in a relationship with her. She could even have had sex same day as she had with your son with someone else. I personally have done it when single. Also the conception prediction is not that accurate. I have had a big bay and was asked several times by professionals if I was sure about the conception date. For yours and your sons sake put as priority the family you already have and ask for DNA test. Tell her you are getting too invested and as their story lasted only a week she should understand you need this first before you get more emotionally involved. Explain to your son than when the result is out he does not have to parent if he doesn't want but you want to be present grandparents and build a relationship. He has to help financially though. Does she even want to put him in birth certificate?

I've said it a few times, there's somrhing wrong with the OP. He's a dangerous man. I would not want my vulnerable daughter around him. He's pretending he's a decent caring man and it's so very very obvious that he is not. I see him.

Because 18 is an important watershed legally where the duty moves from care to support. So if she is 18, she is no longer 'in care' or 'under their care', so the bar for interventions is lower. I'm using the term 'adult woman' rather than 'girl' because that is the accurate description for a person of her age legally, and its an important distinction on which actions are based. The fact that you think she should still be looked after to a higher extent based on your empathy for her (which I share) does not make it so.

Im sorry, but this is bollocks. If both are having regular one night stands then both are promiscuous. Both didn’t use contraception.

If she had nothing to hide she’d have offered a DNA test. The tip toeing around this option that the OP is alluding to is very suspicious. Don’t get me wrong, the son is clearly promiscuous and stupid not to use contraception. But if the girl was the Virgin Mary you’re alluding to you’d think she’d want to get the facts out there ASAP especially as the in laws are clearly overly excited about a grandchild.

Yano what, he reminds me of one of those people who go to church and claim to be so kind, caring and just such a nice person. Then they go home and their family are petrified of them. Not saying this particular OP's family is scared of him..... but he's definetly got an off vibe, he is 100% one of those people who does things for other people so he can brag about it in a really weird way

I genuinely wouldn't want him around my vulnerable daughter and if I was a social worker I'd have my eye on him

So why was the social worker interested in the OP's and his wife's DBS checks?

"Yes, she has a social worker, who my wife has chatted with on a few occasions, as both my wife and I are DBS checked due to our jobs, she was fine with her staying with us on 3 occasions whilst she was sick and was supportive of it."

How do you know so much about the girl? Why do you think she's having regular one night stands?

I think you sound over-invested in the idea of this girl being a slut. She's young - OP didn't say how old but his son's only 19 and the girl is younger than him. Maybe just chill on the judgement.

"but unlike the woman the man has no choice in whether the baby is born."

Precisely. And something being illegal doesn't mean it doesn't happen. My original comment still stands, as I said, the rest is noise. Both parties not prepared to accept responsibility for pregnancy? - don't have sex.

You're the only one throwing that name around, to be clear. Nobody else has called her such a disgusting thing.