Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Agreed.

I would say this behaviour also gives some indication as to how they would behave as grandparents (i.e. overbearing, suffocating etc).

This!! You should be advocating for your son here, that means advising him to have a DNA test either before the baby is born or after as a matter of urgency. You don't need to discuss anything with this young woman. If this young woman has any sense, then she must realise that a DNA test is highly likely to be on the agenda. Scan dates, don't tell you if this woman had sex with someone else prior to your son or after, so don't conclusively mean he's the Father. Only a DNA test can give your son the answer. I'm.not saying you shouldn't help the Mother, but it should be from a distance, until paternity is proven. As for her moving closer to you, that's great, but again you're jumping the gun because you don't know if the baby is indeed your grandchild!! If it's proven the baby is your son's, by all means go full grandad mode, buy the child the world but in the meantime step back until you know for sure.

This would be a massive overkill so close to the birth when they can just wait u til January.

they’ve helped her with hospital appointments they’re not paying her rent.

unnecessary souring of an already sensitive situation when DS can do it once baby is here based on wether he wants to be involved or not. GPs asking and souring and then potentially making it difficult if he decides to step up is stupid.

It’s for DS to do.

What a great pair of grandparents you both are!

MtB sounds like an A1 mum too, so with that environment just keep going and I am sure that eventually DS will become a great dad. That will be easier when he has something to cuddle, but being a man you may have to wait until the baby becomes a toddler before he gets really keen.

I have to say the OP's gushing about this girl is rather OTT.

Especially given he put his son's girlfriend down and called her 'needy'.

But the pregnant girl he's invited to sleep in his home is:

smart
tenacious
fiercely independent
her own person

Enough with the praise and platitudes.They’re not right to be so unboundaried. You literally have no idea if they’ll be great grandparents. There is no paternity test yet, what if they’re not the GP.

The only one thing that's guaranteed in this post is that the girl is a MtB.

All the rest means sod all without a DNA test.

She doesn’t need to be staying at yours OP. It’s a bit much, pay for taxis or drop her if you need. Take her some dinners etc.

i believe you about poor care in the assisted living. I still remember that baby who died in the mother and baby unit of starvation after her mum went out for 5 days. And staff didn’t even check her room where the baby was screaming desperately for food.

or notice that she had been gone but the baby hadn’t.

not that smart if you ask me. Baby with a stranger??

The more you drip feed the more you and your wife seem to be wholly inappropriate and meddling.

Your son needs to ask for a DNA test before he’s forced onto the birth certificate by his over zealous parents as it’ll be too late then.

Paternity is overkill?Any comments on ignoring son wishes?Over involved when they don’t know the paternity. Actively over involved with health appts, claiming residential staff were absent, stepping up for state inadequacies but don’t want to know paternity?
She is pg she’ll get multiple routine blood test, this is a blood test that really matters

If they’re not it will be upsetting but all they did was help a young girl with no family and HG get to hospital and adequate care over a few months.

hardly a huge financial undertaking or longer emotional bond. I know everyone on here is a misanthrope but they’ve helped a young girl in need. Not remortgaged their house.

Sperm can live in utero for 5 days.

Any other partners during a 2 week window could be the father.

As this comment says, your son is your priority.

DNA test required before taking further action. No point jumping the gun.

OP has gone so far past jumping the gun at this point…

They’ve positioned selves as saviours. She has a SW,A MW, allocated worker/s. She is not abandoned or alone.How do you know there is no family? We know she is in care that doesn’t mean NO family. It means it’s complicated dynamic

Then he should ask for one rather than sticking his head in the sand.

his parents are over involved because they feel the need to cover for his failures.

Not sure why everyone is scoffing at the claims of state failures when the news recently shows how at risk young people are who are well known to care services.

And what if the baby isn’t his? Which is prob what he’s thinking!

This is a horrible post.

Having an allocated worker doesn’t mean you don’t need or appreciate extra support?

Sperm are hardy and tenacious they want to get to that egg. Healthy Sperm can live for up to 7 days. Scan are Inaccurate regard date of conception, you want to know who the daddy? Prebirth paternity blood test will tell you who is father

Support from right people with good intentions. This all about @WillfredJohn what they do, how they intervene, alleged failing of system. It’s inappropriate and esp when they literally don’t know the paternity.

There's somthing wrong with the OP. None of this behaviour is normal, i wouldn't want my daughter around this person. I can't explain it properly , but their dangerous.

Yes this. I wish I could put into words how o feel about the OP's actions. Yano when you have a really foggy memory of somthing and you can't quite get a clear picture? That's how I feel about the OP, they remind me of somthing terrible that I can't quite put my finger on

Bloody hell, mumsnet really shows itself up as nasty and misogynist at times.

I think you and your wife sound kind, OP. I don't really understand people who think you should just let the girl suffer by herself. Your son sounds like he is very frightened by the situation, but he also has to decide what form of responsibility to take for the baby - financial only, or some kind of parental involvement. I guess this is what he is struggling to face up to. Let him decide himself what he is willing to do.