Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

I think you’re misreading the part where I said both are to blame. I don’t buy into the idea that women are never to blame for the outcome of their own actions like you seem to be.

Secondly - is it judgemental to ask for a DNA test? After a drunken one night stand?

Both these kids were thick as mince and have (possibly the son but still no confirmation) brought a kid into a mess. So yeah, we should judge people a bit more when kids are involved and contraception is free in the U.K.

I'm not handwringing or Dickensian. Your language is extremely unpleasant and I don't understand why you think that's okay. You seem to have decided it's your job to be the moral judge of this girl/young woman (we don't know which) and also everyone who comments on her situation, unless they agree with you.

I'm simply stating my view that this is a vulnerable young person - which of course anyone can see that she is, from the information given.

I’ve reported a few posts on this thread where people’s behaviour is appalling. However, the amount of bile being posted makes reporting pointless. There have been a couple of posts today where the response has been really weird- spiteful and relentless.

I don't care about the DNA test part. I am saying that judging this girl as promiscuous is unfair. You do not know that, at all.

It would be just as easy to see her as having been taken advantage of by the son. But we also don't know that.

What good does your judgement do? There's now a baby involved who is innocent of all of this. Judging its parents isn't getting anyone anywhere. It just makes you feel superior.

MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship

Yet in your original post you say have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her

And your close enough you let her sleep at your house?

You do have some sort of saviour complex and it's very obvious from your posts. Obviously you won't want to see that as people like you can't see their own actions are worrying.

I think op I'd keep going as you are. If your ds is worried about paternity then that's up to him to request a test. I wouldn't be getting in the middle of that as you're doing really well trying to build a supportive relationship for mtb and your grandchild to be.

I think I'd sit down with your son, maybe go out walking somewhere with him if you can where its not as confrontational or sitting in the car on a longish journey is also a good place and I'd just say to him that you are aware this is a lot for him to get his head round and I'd say to him you want to support him with it and he needs to give you a steer in how best to do that. Ask him how he's feeling, if he doesn't feel like he can be open with you about it I'd offer to pay for counselling for him so he has a place to work this out safely. Separately to this, I'd also be sitting down with him to help him work out maintenance he will need to pay and a list of items he'll need to contribute towards for his child. I think you need to tell him that this is a time to be brave and being brave means being scared and overwhelmed but still doing what you need to and I'd ask him what he thinks a good man would do in this situation and tell him that he does have what it takes to be a good man if he acts on it. I'd probably encourage your wife to make effort with his gf as well. If you're both putting huge effort (understandably) into mtb she could easily feel put out if you don't make much effort with her usually and getting her on side will help him get on side.

@HarshbutTrue2 "Kids brought up in care can be very manipulative. I think we can take it that she got pregnant deliberately. She could have taken the morning after pill. Social workers could have helped to arrange an abortion. But hey ho, it's a good life on benefits. She will get a pay rise next year and she's got gullible middle class adults to sponge off."

Your attitude is actually utterly disgusting and shows that you know very little of young people with experience of care. Do better.

You and others are blithely ignoring the overbearing nature of @WillfredJohn actions. This is being told like a Dickensian. Sepia tone and Pg alone,no one. Because it suits your narrative of praising op as the saviour. When in fact the girl has a number of workers,she’s in plain sight,she’s not alone. She has accommodation, has support , will get pre and post birth support. This isn’t an abandoned alone and pg woman.

Exactly this. I’m a social worker and the amount of support that would be offered to the mum to be as a care leaver is huge. There’s financial, support with living, parenting classes etc they’d also be looking at whether a prebirth assessment needs sorting.

from the OP it sounds like no DNA had been done and that the pregnant girl is being prioritised over the son who is quite clearly having massive feelings over this.

'Being interested' in someone's job related DBS check isn't part of any process. If a situation requires that someone had a DBS check, this is obtained and placed on record. There is no circumstances where a person mentioning they have a DBS check while 'chatting' would be the reason a social worker was 'fine' with a situation. The SW was 'fine' with it because the duty of care is different.
You don't have to take my word for it. The different duty from the authorities towards an 18 year old (support) and a 'girl' ie, under 18 (care) is available in the public domain.

This. You are risking her not getting the help she needs because the authorities will think you have her back. And you will lose your son.

You shoul dlook to have a relationship with the GC, your son may grow into it. They are all so young.

I must admit I'm surprised they didn't pay her travel costs to and from hospital according to OP.

You should be putting your son first. Allowing his fling to stay at his house regardless of her pregnancy is overstepping massively. Obviously you are doing this for the unborn baby, but this is way too much. I am a mother and I could be putting my son's wishes first. You clearly aren't respecting his wishes.

In fairness, I’m not sure op is a reliable narrator regard what LA does or doesn’t do
Hes said the residential staff were AWOL? If that the case call ASW duty line report residential unit unstaffed or understaffed. It’s safeguarding and risk

Explain to him that he can be an active father without having a close relationship with the mother. If he’s annoyed at the baby existing that’s tough shit, he had unprotected sex, this is the consequence. He is as much to blame for the pregnancy as she is.

It’s fantastic that you are stepping up as grandparents, and if your son continues to refuse to be involved in his child’s life that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

If the mother to be in this situation was from a nice family and the father to be was in care, I'm pretty sure there would be a lot less sympathy for father to be and far fewer comments about DNA testing.

It’s not fantastic
it is not confirmed as their son baby
paternity unknown

Ok, fine, get a DNA test done. But why are you automatically assuming this girl is lying?

Exactly. Couldn't have put it better.

Paternity is necessary to determine father and support mum in obtaining financial support. It’s necessary and practical to know the baby paternity for healthy,for social.for finances, for establishing familial bonds (if safe & appropriate to do so)

I don't know anyone in real life that has done DNA testing. The people I associate with don't think a woman would lie about who the father of her child is.

What are you on about?Have not said anysuch thing. She need to know the paternity to plan finances, for clarity, to understand new familial structure when baby arrives. to know who she’s dealing with

I’m in awe of your measured response to some of these comments. They are certainly ‘strong opinions’.
I just popped on to say how lovely it is to hear of a young person in need getting given appropriate support. A first baby is daunting for anyone, but when you are on your own without a support network, and having a difficult pregnancy, it must be so challenging. Whether the baby is your son’s or not, you’ll have helped its entrance to the world.

Whether the baby is his son or not? That’s the point he’s potentially all over this and he’s not the grandfather. It’s saviour complex. He’s piled on in without full confirmation

And you think they'd run to tell you if they had?

It'd be none of your business.

She’s not on her own, she has a support network
Has accommodation
pre and post birth planning
financial support
allocated a SW