Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Yes but he doesn't have to encourage this vulnerable young girl to sleep under his roof, when she has a home of her own.

He goes on about being nearer to the hospital and how the girl has to pay for her own taxis, so why wouldn't he or this wife just give her a lift?

Two months of pregnancy left and you havent brought up a dna test. No wonder your son is pissed off.

You only have had his account that the residential staff were AWOL. So he HAD to step in. His account his of state inadequacies and failing…. Well he would say that wouldn’t he.He had to save,swoop,intervene. He has a son, who need him, sort,save,swop there that’s appropriate. Instead he’s all over this, knowing it’s not what his son wants or need.

I'm also not doubting the significance of getting a DNA test done, but at this stage it's hard a topic to bring up - MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship. It makes total sense, and I get the need for it - but at this moment with two months of pregnancy left I don't feel it's right to push it on her now.

You are building some sort of relationship with someone who might not be carrying your grandchild. The child she is carrying may have absolutely nothing to do with your son, I would have said DNA would be the priority and if she has nothing to worry about then she will be happy to do one.

I think you are delusional.

I've read the thread. I'm pointing out that our stretched system would not concern itself with vetting a couple an adult woman choices to stay with. Because they are so busy with young women and teen girls who DON'T have a roof, trying to find them a place a little safer than the streets or the home of their abuser, and what they can offer is generally pretty poor due to lack of resources. There is no way this young woman's choice to stay with this couple would raise an eyebrow in this climate.

It's the son's responsibility to have arranged that tbf

But what moral duty does it model for the OP's DS if the OP just abandons & ignores the young woman, as the OP's son seems to be doing?
This isn't a black & white situation ...

She is not 'his' for him to abandon.

They have no relationship or history. The only thing that has linked them is his son had sex with her as a ONS and now she's pregnant.

I can't quite believe he's invited her into their house etc when his son doesn't want this. It's appalling to be honest.

If OP wants to be some kind of benefactor, he could give some money to her , to 'apologise' for his son's carelessness (like a benefactor in a Dicken's novel) for 18 years, but trying to build an emotional connection with her when it wasn't a long term relationship at the expense of his own son is not right.

It sounds like you and your wife, while having good intentions, aren't giving your DS the space he needs to process the situation he's in so he can step up if the baby is his. Yes, she needs support as the one who is pregnant but you are putting his emotional needs before hers. I can't imagine doing that to my DC in this situation. No wonder he's clammed up.

And before anyone jumps in, he absolutely should step up if the baby is his. But I do find talk of them continuing to be there for her even if he isn't is a bit weird.

MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship.

Yes but you're not totally acting like it's "early stages".You're starting to step in and act like substitute parents to her already. Can you not see the danger to her as well to your own family?

The longer this goes on and the more dependent on your and your wife's care you let her become, the harder it will be for this poor girl to deal with the truth if your DS is not the father.

And you have to bear in mind that even if she is the mother of your grandchild she is still only your son's ex. She is not his partner. Having his ex living with his parents - how is that supposed to work? She would surely be better off in her own place with whatever support social services can give her and whatever support your son can give the baby and whatever help you can give her as the baby's grandparents. You are not her parents and he is not her partner.

I did wonder what MTB was - does any say' mother to be' be now?

Can't you just say 'the girl' @WillfredJohn

I'm also not doubting the significance of getting a DNA test done, but at this stage it's hard a topic to bring up - MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship

Personally I would establish paternity and then talk about the level of support you could offer.

You don't have to force anything - but you can state that in order for things to be on any kind of solid footing, everyone needs to have the facts at their disposal - and really you should be backing your son here.

I actually think you are massively over-reaching here. At the end of the day this baby - if it is your son's, is exactly that. His, and the mothers.

Well this wins the most horrible thing I’ve read on here in a while. Crowded field but you absolutely romped home. Well done.

Your son made a foolish mistake which has cost him. It’s understandable he wants to avoid it. Don’t keep berating him-it’s obviously not what he wants and I’ll bet he has a lot of regrets. Keep it matter of fact and help him work out his financial responsibilities. He may take an interest as his child grows up-he may not. Help the mother to be get the help she needs-she should get help with her own accommodation. Bringing her into your home was a kindness on your part but it’s not the right thing to do on this situation and not fair on your son.

This.
I would have DNA test done before you get very involved.it will be awful for everyone if this is not your grandchild and you need to let go, especially as this girl will come to rely on you.

Why do you keep saying 'adult woman' like this isn't a vulnerable young pregnant girl in care?

Even if she's technically 18, after the life she will have led and carrying a baby after a one night stand, I'd say she's very far from feeling like an 'adult woman' right now.

And the care system should be more careful about who and where she's spending her nights with.

She's still very much under their care.

You’re correct. DNA cant be done until baby is born and your son needs to be involved.

better for him to ask when the baby is here as a reassurance for his involvement.

Personally I think the level of OP's involvement is unhealthy. OP and DW are prioritising their own wants without considering what DS or other family members in the household want.

Assuming one of OP's other DC is female. Say they got pregnant off a ONS from a lad in different city. If that lad wanted to move into OP's house to be help support the pregnant mother, do you think OP would welcome him with open arms? I'm guessing the answer would be a resounding no.

Agog that you moved her into your house. Also, does your son not know about condoms?

totally incorrect non invasive maternal blood test can be taken it contain foetal cells, compare with son cheek swab. So, to be clear a noninvasive prebirth paternity test is easy, the son take swab from his mouth, woman has a blood test.

I imagine both the son and the girl he had sex with knows about condoms.

But if the hundreds of threads from women on here are to be believed, they don't always work.

it takes two to make a baby. Did the girl forget about contraception too?

I’ve never heard of being giving a conception date at an ultrasound UNLESS she has specifically asked. Which would be ringing alarm bells to me.

Ultrasound are often dated from the first day of last period. Meaning conception date would likely be 10-14 days after that. Having said that both of my ds measured around a week ahead at the 12 week scan so you can’t use ultrasounds as solid proof for paternity.

I would definitley encourage your son to get a DNA test. My youngests ds dad used to point blank deny he was the father (after cheating during the pregnancy and going off with OW). I was very open to a DNA test but of course he denied. Ds came out looking just like him so he couldn’t hide it any longer.

It IS unhealthy and, for want of a better word, creepy as fuck.

Even IF the baby is the son's, moving her in is crazy work. There's something decidedly icky about how he describes her, too. The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The DNA testing conversation is a very straightforward and easy one to have, you’re just a fool. You should’ve started the entire affair from the beginning with the DNA test being a prerequisite.

I agree with that. Your son is very young, he may be different when the baby arrives - or may not. Let's hope.

However you are doing everything right, you're amazing and you'll be wonderful grandparents whatever happens. Poor lass.