Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

I think he’s got boundary issues and is acting all saviour- look at me! Girl has accommodation,an allocated SW, a MW and a team. They’ll maintain oversight of health & social care. He’s not required to be this present. This is in hand but he’s forcefully stepping in for own unclear motives. Waffle about state and SW inadequacies to justify his omnipresence.
There is no DNA confirmation, he’s being strident about everything but not that

We are different & and think differently about this. That’s fine.

But others don't think he 'sounds' amazing at all.

I think he sounds controlling, self-interested and unaware of sensible boundaries.

Maybe he feels guilty that his son was partly to blame for this conception. Condoms should have been used regardless of the Pill, to prevent STIs.

He's also not prepared to have a DNA test on this 'grandchild' so it could be anyone's.

We’re not lemmings. We can think differently. That’s grand.

Don't be too harsh, he is probably scared. Young people being irresponsible with contraception isn't unusual.
Thank God that OP and wife are on hand in the best interests of all.
Son's feelings are likely to change when baby arrives and he starts to mature.
Wishing everyone the best here

It is the way you have written it

You said “Well I'd stop putting his girlfriend down and I'd probably help to set her up with her own place to live

It reads like you think the girlfriend and the mother to be are the same person

You refer to the girlfriend then straight after say I would probably help set her up with her own place to live.

If you had said I’d stop putting his girlfriend down and probably help set up the girl who is pregnant/mother to be with her own place to live then it would have made sense.

Why didn't she? She's going to be the one stuck as a single mum for the next 20odd years.

I wouldn't want to be relying on you for support of any kind

You have no misgivings? Girl has accommodation, a SW, and a Mw. There will be scheduled case review etc and yet of these professionals, the only one doing anything is him? He get your praise? You really don’t understand this,at all

@WillfredJohn all over everything, but not the DNA? isn’t seeking confirmation? But he’s there when residential unit staff are apparently AWOL. He’s letting her stay, he’s all over everything…but not paternity test

You need to back off unless and until there’s been a DNA test.

Ah, the famously malfunctioning condom! That despite being used diligently to manufacturers instructions, stealthily fails so many cautious young men, who notice nothing amiss and are shocked to the core when presented with a pregnancy.

Off topic - but this makes me so sad. A minor and having to sofa surf or sleep on buses. What a dreadful state of affairs. It is really shocking.

Regardless if the dates are adding up to your son being the Father or not, a DNA test is a must. You don't know this young woman, your son doesn't know this young woman. You have no idea if she's had sex with anyone else prior to your son or after. Scan dates are not 100% accurate. You need to make sure your son is tested as a matter of importance. It's not being nasty or critical towards this woman at all. You have jumped straight in to help this woman, thrown yourselves into grandparent mode, without even knowing if this baby is indeed your son's!!

Have you confirmed the baby is actually his? You shouldn’t do anything without DNA confirmation. Afterwards he should step up etc. and of course there will be CMA but only if there is DNA proof of paternity. Until then, I’m not surprised your son is withdrawn, she hasn’t had a nice life and now seems to have landed on her feet. Maybe if the child is confirmed his, he’ll take an interest.

Landed on her feet?

She's had a tough start to life, not her fault and now she's pregnant by a one night stand - she's certainly not had the best time.

I see your getting lots of virtual pats on the back here so I'm sure I'm in for a few nasty responses but I actually think your behaviour is really weird and bordering on inappropriate.

You have no idea if this baby is your son's. You say she's a touch younger than him but don't say how much younger. You have this potential child/troubled teen staying in your house after a one night stand that may or may not have resulted in this pregnancy, while having altercations with your son in his own home, and slagging off his girlfriend because she doesn't want to play happy families with you and your special interest in this pregnant, vulnerable teenager.

Now, you want her to move closer to you...I don't know. It all sounds a bit icky to me.

If it was my son, he'd be my priority. Since he's your ACTUAL child.

Totally agree. A complete waste of my time.

To me OP initially you sounded kind but now I’m questioning whether you are controlling and are desperate to have a grandchild. I feel for your son. This was a ONS. Not a 6 month relationship. Why are you so involved. It’s not normal.

There's quite a lot of strong opinions and I guess that's normal. I'm not trying to be a saviour nor is my wife - we have three children, this son being our middle one, and I certainly didn't have grandparent status on my bingo list for 2026. We're not in a cult as far as I'm aware and have tried to keep a smile on our faces whilst we go through a situation we're totally out of our depth with.

In my own head, I think both my wife and I thought we were being practical. MtB was very sick, and despite what others have said there's realities about the care system which my wife and I are learning about. To our minds the support she was given wasn't adequate, she'd been sick for five days, lost weight and had her concerns brushed off. She reached out for help and we wanted to support her. This was after she took herself off to another hospital, was in there for two days and given no information.

I'm also not doubting the significance of getting a DNA test done, but at this stage it's hard a topic to bring up - MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship. It makes total sense, and I get the need for it - but at this moment with two months of pregnancy left I don't feel it's right to push it on her now.

Not the previous poster but you said "the girlfriend" and then went straight on to refer to "her" in the same sentence without specifying you were now talking about a completely different person (the baby's mother) so can't really blame them!

Normal writing convention is to specify if you are referring to a new person, otherwise, yes, readers will assume the pronoun belongs to the original subject of the sentence.

Your first post was very incoherent so it's a bit off to be so outraged that someone misread it!

In usual Mumsnet fashion some people are being vile. Can’t win, try and do the right thing and you have a god complex !

This is all very strange, it's not the 1800s and she's not your ward.

You don’t need to discuss the DNA test with her, its your son who you should be discussing that with.