Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Why didn't he use protection? Now everyone is stuck.

@WillfredJohn work on your boundaries and enough with the conspicuous saviour intervention. You’re wound up & precise about everything regard this girl but not about getting a DNA test. How’s that? Ok so what role or function is this fulfilling for you & wife? Praise,approbation? Oh look how they’re stepping in where the state has failed….Aren’t they marvellous with all the staff shortcomings…AWOL staff in a residential facility?…call out of hours local authority team,surely? I don’t think your motives are appropriate I think your boundaries are all over the place. You love the drama

In all honesty, you can't make him welcome his child and show an interest. So all you can do is excercise whatever control you do have to do the best thing for this young woman, which clearly you are. Your son needs to take financial responsibility and this may mean you diverting some of the financial support you currently give him towards his child if he refuses to do this himself.
My own view is that allowing the young woman to stay at your home was possibly a step too far. I don't think the forced proximity to each other is going to help either of them tbh. Your son will feel its punative, and the young woman may feel uncomfortable with his resentment. I think supporting her to access a stable home of her own is a better option, although no doubt you acted in an emergency.
Going forward, if I were you I'd focus on maintaining the supportive and welcoming relationship YOU have with her. I'm sure your son is well aware you think he's in the wrong, so to keep going over old ground will only alienate him further. Carry on role modelling decent behaviour, and trust the foundation you've laid in raising him have produced a decent young man who may reflect and come round once he becomes accustomed to the idea.

You think?

Does it ssay he didn't?

I understand that. Not sure what point you’re making. OP has already confirmed that the girl is younger than her son and is still in care, so not a care leaver.

I understand how you want to help this girl but I also think you are over stepping the mark.

Is the girl under age? Maybe not but she must be 17 or younger.

The child may be in theory your grandchild, but given the baby is the result of a one night stand, I don't think it's good for her or your family to be so involved.
At some point you will have to let her go, unless you think she and the baby will be in your life for years. And that is your son's choice if he wants to be an involved parent with this child.

It's also going to make it very hard for your son to 'move on'.

I see his new girlfriend as a ' rebound relationship'. At 18 and not very mature, he needs to keep away from girls for a while! (Or at least learn to use condoms!)

The refusal to push for a DNA test makes all of this even odder.

Are you afraid if the child isn't your son's, you and your wife won't be able to 'save' her?

If he did it's very rare indeed for it to fail and if the condom split, the girl ought to have got the morning after pill.
Most condom failure is through mis-use. Using one too late, splitting, or not using it every time.

I think you want a grandchild. Your boundaries are misplaced. Your son needs supporting. This was a one night stand where both adults have created a child with or without protection. But the girl has made the decision to keep the child so thats on her now. Your son has a financial responsibility. He doesn’t have to step up. He wasn’t involved in the decision to keep the child.

You sound amazing!!!
I’d focus on this being quite an unusual situation (because of the way YOU are handling it, not the getting pregnant from a ONS, which is of course more common :)). Unusual because your son won’t really engage - which I totally understand. Unusual because you’re supportive of and like the girl he got pregnant. You sound frankly quite wonderful.

Should your son have used protection? Yes. Should she have insisted? Yes. But that ship’s sailed, and it happens. The “trick” is how your son fits into this as there is no relationship etc. Can you both support the girl, enjoy your grandchild, have a good relationship with both AND with your son, who although 19 is still very very young.

I am sure you can. It’ll be a little unorthodox, but you sound like the kind of person who can navigate & support it. I wouldn’t insist on your son engaging “as a dad” though - it was a drunken fling (and I mean the other F word here. Kids do that & we’ve probably all done it. But without the consequences). Let him slot into the situation on his terms. See where the whole thing lands whilst supporting your son as well as the girl.
GF - she is not in an easy spot, but has known the whole time. They’re 19… I’d worry about her last if at all. (Harsh, but practical. Sorry)

Is your son going to support his child financially for 18 years?

No, it actually doesn’t, but OP has updated to say that they met up a few times in the week following the ONS, and the conception date has been confirmed to that week.

I don't think the OP is 'amazing' @CunningLinguist2

I think he's too involved and need to consider his own motives.
He's become the 'rescuer' for his son and this girl's mistake.

She's in care, she already has or should have a support network and she has made the decision to keep the child.
I wonder if she was counselled on what was best in that regard?

No one can pinpoint a conception date with that amount of accuracy.
Sperm can live for several days so she could have become pregnant before (or after) sex with his son.

They need a DNA test to be sure.

I had this impression too. It appears from the update that both OP and his wife are DBS checked and the girls’ social worker has no objection to her staying with the family. But she has a place in an assisted living facility so is not homeless, and it beggars belief that op and his wife are insisting the girl stay with them despite a clear objection from their son, and despite as you say, not wanting to engage with a DNA test. The OP says the conception has been dated to the week they were together, but I wouldn’t call that conclusive evidence, given that the boy will be financially responsible for the child for the next 18 years.

Again: You sound and come across as just amazing!!!! Do not underestimate how lovely you both are - to your son and the MtB

I think he’s being a bloody decent human being.

You shouldn’t have let her stay if your son didn’t want her there. There are lots of ways to support her without simultaneously crossing your son’s boundaries in his own home. He has a new gf.

He needs to step up financially and be there for the child but he doesn’t need to have a forced relationship with the baby’s mother.

Bollocks. If a man tells a woman he's going to use a condom and doesn't ('stealthing') it's a criminal offence. A woman who lies about being on the pill is doing a similar thing, but unlike the woman the man has no choice in whether the baby is born.

How do you know they're amazing?

They could be part of some sort of cult for all we know, hence the ridiculous refusal to push for a DNA test, because apparently the sex she had with their son 'fits the timing'.

This thread would be a lot less ridiculous if the OP and his wife actually wanted to know whether the girl they're trying to 'save' is actually carrying their grandchild.

I think there’s another agenda here. There is no evidence that the baby is the sons’ and the OP doesn’t seem to want to engage with a DNA test, relying on the dating of the conception instead.

The son didn’t want the girl living in his home, doesn’t want a relationship with her and has moved on to another partner. Why on earth is OP pushing for the girl to stay with them when she has a place in an assisted living facility and access to support via a social worker, with whom they have already communicated.

If they are offering a home to the girl, of course SS aren’t going to object given the state of social care, but there should be some form of agreement giving OP responsibility for the girl and the baby because at the moment whether she stays with them depends on OP’s goodwill. What happens if the baby is not their sons’ ? As things stand they could throw this girl out tomorrow and she has no protection whatsoever. I have no idea why someone would prioritise a stranger over their own son, to the point where he’s uncomfortable in his own home and it’s causing arguments.

Exactly. And why are people saying it’s his sole responsibility ? This isn’t the 1950’s - birth control is freely available and the responsibility of both consenting adults if they don’t want a pregnancy.

It's admirable that you are looking out for this young woman, especially given her circumstances. However, be wary - a relative of mine was definitely the daddy, until it was definitely proven he wasn't. It's not unheard of, especially given your son comes from a supportive and loving family - perfect for bringing a child up in.

I would also be very cautious about opening up your family too much to this - this is your son's home and whilst he should absolutely be contributing to his child's upbringing (if the DNA test proves he/she is his), they are not together and there are other support services for her that are better able to provide for her in the meantime.

I wrote the “sound” amazing. I (obviously) don’t know them. This is an anonymous internet forum.