Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

@WillfredJohn Given that no paternity test has been done I think your involvement with this teenager is bordering on inappropriate. She has all the services at her disposal should she need them.

Stop building a relationship with and being a saviour to a young girl who may not be carrying your grandchild.

Every one of your posts makes this sound more and more about you and your wife, than the pregnant girl or your own son.

Tell her you require a DNA test and if she's a smart as you say, she'll completely understand, given that it was a very brief fling and not a relationship.

Is the right thing to take on this random girl who is in care and has had a tough life, with no guarantee that the baby is their son's, move her into their house, ostracize said son and slag off his girlfriend, ignore any sense of boundaries or propriety by speaking to her doctors, and care workers, and then suddenly decide that asking for a DNA test is blurring boundaries?

We have different ideas of what constitutes 'the right thing'.

OP and his wife will be posting in a few years bemoaning the fact that their actual child has cut them off, I'd warrant.

These responses are wild.
op I think keeping a good relationship with the mum is great, you have a responsibility to the child and right now helping mum helps the child. However I would focus on trying to help her stand on her own feet rather than doing things for her because at some point she’s going to have to, and she might lash out if you are seen to withdraw care. I would insist for them both that they get a dna test once the baby is born though and then he needs to start paying some maintenance. I would try to talk to him about his reluctance, he’s probably terrified and avoiding it, but that is a privilege she doesn’t have.

I don't think you can force him to be involved.
But you can support the mother of your grandchild and your grandchild.

Her living near you is a good idea all round.
I would be devastated if this happened to my son, but unfortunately it does happen.

Your son wants this to go away, but it isn't.
You and your wife are the likely to make a great positive difference to this child and her rearing.

A similar situation via a ONS happened a colleague of my husbands, only son.
The girl came from a rough background and had little interest in the baby, she was living with her parents who both worked and were not prepared to do any childcare as they had 4 younger children.

The paternal grandmother hovered for years, never criticised, just supported, babysat whenever she was asked, and did absolutely everything for her grandchild that she could.

That young grandchild is 20 now and in college, super close to her paternal grandparents.
Her father never really got involved.

His mum told my husband he was a very spoiled young man that couldn't face the consequences of a one night stand all those years ago.

They are more like cousins than father and daughter but things are amicable.
He has a young family now and has grown up.
She has been the greatest source of joy to her grandparents.

Continue to be a support to her.
Do not allow him to influence that.

I'm genuinely concerned that the care system would allow the most vulnerable young girl, to stay overnight in the home of two complete randoms.

Concerned, but sadly not surprised.

You’re enacting saviour complex for yourself, and wilfully ignoring the obvious paternity. You literally don’t know if it’s your son baby, and yet here you are. YOU stepping into save,sort and get stuff done. Waffle about the state and statutory service inadequacies. You absolutely have to get the paternity test. But there’s a multitude of excuses…yea but…no but. You are enacting drama to conspicuously make this about you. You won’t get the paternity test because you like the drama, you like being a saviour, you like berating services to invent reasons to be involved

I agree. Frightening. She may have family who couldn’t bring her up but are around. What happens when she has a new boyfriend. It’s all weird. You are not putting your 19 year old son first at all.

I'm also not doubting the significance of getting a DNA test done, but at this stage it's hard a topic to bring up - MtB is her own person, I can't force the issue because at this stage we're just in the early stages of building some sort of relationship. It makes total sense, and I get the need for it - but at this moment with two months of pregnancy left I don't feel it's right to push it on her now.

So you are prepared to battle on with this relationship with a stranger who may not actually have any link to your family? This is what is strange. I’m not sure you are doing her any favours if at some point in the future you “drop” her if your son is not the father of the baby. Better to know now surely?

I agree and I'm sorry to say but the way the OP is describing this vulnerable child is giving me a really unpleasant feeling.

needs a DNA test asap, any chance she knew he was from a good family so targeted him to get pregnant and out of care situation by having a baby?

I have volunteered with a charity called Home Start, which works alongside Social services etc with parents of young children to help them learn how to cope with their many difficulties (often low socioeconomic status and little family support) and enjoy their lives more. Maybe they could be helpful once baby is born. They empower mothers.

Still think it's really weird OP moved mtb into the family home, without little thought on the impact on DS or other DC living at home. If mtb needed runs to the hospital that could have been offered in leiu of moving a stranger into the family home.

Also weird that OP makes assumptions about DS current girlfriend ('needy') yet seems full of praise over the party fling ('smart') that clearly didn't have the sense to protect herself sufficiently from getting pregnant.

You're joking, surely? This young woman is 'a touch' younger than the 19 year old son, so 18 I'd imagine. If her social worker knows she's not rough sleeping, that would be considered a win. No one is going to be vetting a couple offering a roof to an adult woman happy to accept when the best they'd offer as an alternative would be hostel type accommodation, full of 'randoms'. You're right to be concerned about the care system though.

Nothing really to add I just wanted to take the time to say how wonderful you and your wife are. Your grandchild is very lucky to have you both

Mum already has a MW, SW and local authority. There will be case conference and pre and post birth planning. Statutory services have got this, it’s @WillfredJohn who is interjecting himself. He need to step out and parent his own child instead of being all over this.

He clearly wants to pretend that nothing happened.

Thank goodness you are being responsible when your son was not ...

Good luck

How dare you suggest that when OP has characterised her as:

• smart - got pregnant from random fling
• fiercely independent - moves into random families home with little persuasion

...I'll give her tenacious though 😂

You seem to be lacking support for your son somehow. This may well be his child and yes, he should have worn a condom blah blah blah, but his home should be his safe space and not where this girl should be.
Your 'moral' duty is to your child, whatever mistakes he may have made, however lacking his attitude is.
You might gain a grandchild at the end of all this, dna test notwithstanding, but you could well lose a son.

She's got a roof.

She's living in sheltered accommodation.

No-one is homeless.

Read the thread.

@HarshbutTrue2 what a vile post. Kids brought up can also be 'vulnerable' I think is a better word than manipulative.

People who are vulnerable and in chaotic and difficult circumstances don't always make great decisions. yes, I would personally agree it's a mistake having a baby if you are 19 and a care leaver with no money - but you know what, the baby is coming now.

You sound awesome op! good for you. so many people are cynical nowadays you will get a lot of cynicism on this thread

I feel for your son. He must be terrified. When i was 19 I would not have known how the hell to handle or cope with this situation and neither would the 19 year olds I knew at the time

you are setting him an example and hopefully he will grow into that example.

Yes thank god and flowers that a man who hasn’t had paternity confirmed is unboundaried with a vulnerable young woman and forcing his own agenda. Ignoring that she has LA involved, has accommodation and allocated workers. His motives are unclear and he’s wilfully ignoring paternity.

Yes I mentioned he should focus on his son earlier. The OP has stated (for reasons all will understand) that the services that are supposed to manage these issues are sorely lacking. Hence his extra sense of responsibility. What to do when the watchers aren’t watching?

Your 'moral' duty is to your child, whatever mistakes he may have made, however lacking his attitude is.

Hmmm, I'm on the fence about this. Obviously, @WillfredJohn 's DS lacks forethought or responsibility. And one could attribute that to the 'moral' nature of his upbringing.

But what moral duty does it model for the OP's DS if the OP just abandons & ignores the young woman, as the OP's son seems to be doing?

This isn't a black & white situation ...

I think she's seen you as a soft touch @WillfredJohn

You have zero obligation to her and it's unsavoury that you are so involved when it's not what your son wants.

Look at it this way- if the same were to happen again, with another ONS- would you be hoovering up your son's mistakes each time? And putting the woman before your son?

You are not teaching him maturity and my guess is you're doing this out of guilt that your son behaved like an idiot.

Okay, maybe neither of them used birth control, but it's not your role to bale her out now, regardless of her social status.

You can absolutely ask her- or rather your son can- to do a DNA test because if he's going to pay for this child for the next 18 years he needs to know it's his.