How do I survive young kids with husband who works all the time?

[Theresa88]

I have a nine month old and 3.5 year old. Husband works around the clock (until midnight every night) and when he's not working on the weekends i do most of the childcare. I do everything for the kids- every nursery drop off and pick up (3.5 year old in nursery 4 days a week), feed them every time, bedtime by myself most nights etc.
I'm utterly burnt out. how do I survive? im on maternity leave and I'll be going back to work two days a week when the youngest is 15 months old. We have no family support because we moved away from our hometown for husbands job.

Is he choosing to invest the money he's earning without considering what is needed to balance your life and childcare needs?

Somethings not right here OP, tax isnt a 'bill' thats paid every month that should be impacting your income like the investment expenses, is he paying into a pension for himself at a high rate while you are on a lower rate? And how much on investment expenses- could some of this be released?

Why did he bother having children?
. He sounds like the sort of bloke that will go off and have a second family in his 50s and realise what he missed and becomes Dad of the year. Sadly not to your kids.
I would consider leaving such a man unless he cha hes. If he bothers seeing the children you will occasionally get a break from them and you will have the chance to meet someone that respects you.

Investment is a nice to have when you have small children, if he isn’t going to step up as a dad you need to buy in help for his kids. With young children everyone is tired and stretched - if his big job isn’t covering what you need he either needs to find better employment or cut down on his hours so he can pull his weight. What does he say when you tell him you need time away from the kids? Does he ever take them on his own?

You are married with children. Therefore any decisions on income earned between the two of you, are mutual. It isn’t ‘his’ income to invest, it’s both of yours to decide how best to use it at that time. If this is not happening in your house, then you are not equal partners in life.

Do you know what mums do when their employers ask them to work weekends and evenings?

They say “no, I can’t I have caring responsibilities” and they’re usually held back in their career for it.

Or, they take on the work, but they go home, care for their DC, put them to bed and THEN do the work.

Until men start doing the same, women will always be punished career-wise for having DC.

Your DH is a parent now, he needs to push back on work and say he can’t work late because he has DC to look after, and if he says he won’t because it’ll damage his career, ask if he means the same damage that you’ll get when you go back to work and you can’t stay late because he is, and someone has to pick up the DC from nursery?

He needs to make a stand here, but he’s unlikely to do it off his own back. But if ALL fathers put their DC first, the way that single mums and married “single mums” do, the world would be a better place for us all.

You say you moved house and away from family support for this job which, it turns out, is just about making ends meet ??

Surely you’d have been better off staying near family to get help with childcare etc. It’s going to end up costing more in childcare and he’s not seeing his kids or you.

Is it possible he wanted it that way? How is he in other aspects of your marriage ?
You work full time looking after the kids mon- Fri. The weekend should be split, at the very least, so he needs to step up or his kids will barely recognise him.For you, what’s the point in being married to someone you hardly see ??

Have you spoken to him about how unacceptable this is for you, especially if you have to go back to work ?

Dont be a martyr.

Build up your support network as yours get older on the school run so your children have other children’s houses to play at after school/play at yours to help keep them entertained. I have many other parents who we will cover the school run for each other if 1 of our children is unwell but 1 or more still need to still get to and from school. This also works well for appointments for one child which clash with the other’s school run. I cannot recommend enough building up relationships with other parents.

Also, if you don’t already, get to know your neighbours. My neighbour is a grandmother who will pop in to watch one of mine or do the odd school run for me if my other is ill. I help her with various bits too.

But also, cast iron contraception, it doesn’t seem like he has any interest whatsoever in being a husband or a father. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with his children at weekends?

I couldn't agree more with this.
Why do women continue to have children with men who clearly have no interest in being a parent?

He is just the sperm donor here.

Why have investments and rent? Why not use the money to buy a property to live in?

I feel like I want to become friends with you haha! Are you in London? if so let’s meet!!

Husband is a partner in a major US law firm and we have a 14mo and 3.5yo. Tbh I agree with others that you need some support and I do completely understand re high outgoings - same boat here. I work 3 days per week and returned last month. Most of my salary just goes on childcare but I enjoy my job and couldnt be a SAHM personally so for me it’s a break..

My non negotiable is that I have a day “off” with childcare. We didn’t put our eldest in nursery until 2.5yo and even now she’s only in 50%. My family live far away but my mum is very involved and lives with us two nights per week to help (my dad was a lawyer and she was a part time primary teacher so she gets what I’m going through). We also pay for a part time nanny who is happy to look after both as needed. So my mum does Monday & Tuesday (I’m working, daughter in nursery until lunchtime so she has baby in the morning and both in the afternoon). Our nanny covers Wednesday through Friday noon - I have my day off on Wednesday, work Thursday, then have half a day to myself Friday morning & have the kids in the afternoon.

tbh on my days “off” I’m mostly catching up on chores and life admin but also manage to go to the gym and wash my hair (so hard to do with young kids!!). We also have a cleaner who comes once per week.

We all need a break and some kind of balance. My husband is a high earner but this means he’s working long hours, travelling a lot and working weekends a lot. As a family we are trying to make it work. I don’t “need” to work but do it for me and it’s a mental break from the kids. Happy mum = happy family. Hope this helps

Absolutely this. @Theresa88 i think you have got yourself in a position a lot of people won’t understand. I’m guessing your husband has overall financial control, has told you that is what is required for the investments and there is no room for manoeuvre.

simple answer is he needs to be completely transparent with finances and it needs to be much more of a joint decision. If he is deciding he is going to work like that, you spend less on the investments, or even sell one one if it’s property, and use that money to outsource.

@Theresa88 the investments can’t be costing you that much money monthly, or they are bad investments. Even rented property should mostly pay for itself. If your husband is choosing to divert money away for tax reasons that’s a different story, and you need to figure out a way to actually benefit from him working all those hours.

as tbh, if you’re not benefitting from the money, you are worse off than someone with a partner who actually does 50% and is a middle earner.

I also wfh apart from Tuesdays so see the kids for lunch and straight away again at 5pm

It doesn't make sense to be squirreling away everything on the future to the detriment to now - one of the hardest stages of life and marriage. He could either cut back on work now, take home slightly less and be an active part of the family or divert some of the money being invested now for day to day help. Yous can't have your cake and eat it.

Pay for some help and please lower your standards. That really helps too. Either a cleaner or a babysitter if you don’t want nursery. Or a kids club while you go to gym - or have a coffee in gym cafe.

You’ll just keep going because thats what you’ll do. Your baby will start sleeping better and summer will turn up and things will feel better and then worse and then better, but that’s life.

could you plan in some small self care to feel like you are achieving mini goals? I found it hard when it looked like I was doing nothing all day with a 2 year old and baby in tow so focused on mini wins to remind myself of what I was actually doing. And ensuring I had a coffee and a shower were sometimes it for myself!

The nice thing i found about being a single-but-not-single parent was making my own new routine, life and bond with my DC. We found our own way, we really enjoyed our days out together, we’d always get up and out so that after lunch we could come home and flop and preferably nap but feeling like we’d done something fun.

Even now mine are at secondary school, we’re very close. We make plans the three of us still- I’ll be sad when that comes to an end as it’s been lovely. DH has a restaurant so works all hours, he’s missed out on a lot but has made his own separate connection with the kids.

My life was similar when the dc were tiny. Out at 7am back at 9.30 unless he was in court when it was midnight (or in the early years of two dc he booked an hotel to guarantee sleep from 1am to 6am during big cases.

He used to take the children on Saturday mornings to give me a lie in (before football, but by the time dd came along, he took ds with him :); I took the dc to church on Sunday mornings and he had a lie in.

I always had a cleaner, and dh was happy to pay for it because he was very clear, he wasn't doing it and I had a cleaner before we met. When dd was a baby ds was at nursery, there were some teenage neighbours and they would babysit/come and do bathtime/bedtime to give me a breather. I gave up work when ds was 16 months because he was always ill and things were "tight" for a little bit.

Looking back, I used to sometimes read/chill when ds was at nursery and dd was asleep to make sure I paced myself but yes, every drop off and pick-up, hospital appointment, parents' evening, etc. Absolutely everything, including sorting and supervising tradesmen. BUT if I looked at my contributions to the team and dh's contributions - I had a bit more time than him, just for me. I went back to work when the youngest was settled in reception because I got bored at home.

I'd say things got easier when the money really started rolling in when the dc were about 3 & 6, but it rolled in due to the earlier commitment iyswim.

There were/are compensations:

A beautiful house
A home in France
School fees
An au-pair when I went back to work
Absolute security

The DC are 31 and 27 now and we are mid 60s - still working but not quite as hard - I've just dropped a few days.

This is spot on.

I'm pretty positive both DH and I would be further into our careers and both earning more money (me a lot more tbh as I earn very little now) if we were still childless.

We made a choice to become parents (fairly young too) and as such we prioritise our children in all our work decisions.

I don't understand why a man would become a father twice over if he had no intention of ever parenting. That's not really a dad role is it? It's just a bank.

My husband doesn't work such long hours or earn big lawyer money, but he pays for help to cover when he can't be there or when he has to work weekends.

My sibling is a lawyer and I think some posters don't get that in a law firm you can't just refuse to work the hours if you want to stay in it, regardless your gender. They have a full time nanny to cover wraparound etc.

Also why are you paying rent if you have multiple "property investments"? Look again at finances, if he won't be transparent you should be worried.

by the time we pay tax, investment expenses, nursery fees and rent there is not much salary left to outsource

Then financially it's not making sense is it? You are not going to be able to hold down much of a job yourself for long under this much pressure. If you can't continue to work then that is going to lose you (as a couple) more income than you (as a couple) are gaining by messing with investments. Except that if you are not working then all the cash will be pouring into your husband's pocket and none at all into yours. Your own career development will come to a screeching halt (if it hasn't already) Your husband needs to support you both practically and financially so you can do professional paid work. At the very least you need more domestic and childcare help and if DH wont do it that means he needs to pay for it.

If these "investment expenses" are a significant drain then either your husband is engaged in fraud or he doesn't know what he's doing. At the very least he's "investing" money that he should be spending on maintaining his family's health and his wife's career.

Not if they work in Silver/magic circle law firms, they don't. Or at the bar, or in investment banks, etc.

However, @Theresa88 I do think you need a bit more honesty and transparency about the money. When our dc were tinies and I had given up work, we both put our living expenses and childcare ahead of investments. We had a simple system. I bought or paid for whatever we needed, put the receipts on a spike and kept a written record. At the end of the month, DH paid the bill - groceries, petrol, baby groups, cards and gifts, hair cuts, cleaner, window cleaner, new tyre, dentists, babysitting, etc. He never, ever questioned a single penny.

@Theresa88 you need to accept that you won't always get it right despite trying your best and you must forgive yourself for these times. When you have a stormy day and maybe you raise your voice, it's not ideal but the storm will blow over and you'll be OK. Do your best and forgive yourself for the tricky days xx

Just mulling over the op and several posters in the same predicaments responses, and I’ve come to the conclusion that lawyers are not a catch. I’m sure they’re charming and articulate at the beginning when dating.

hidden between the lines of ops posts is a burning resentment. Because objectively looking after a 9 month old, with a preschooler in nursery most of the time, isn’t actually hard. But it is if you are seething with resentment.

Mindset is everything. You can take your child out to the park on a Sunday and enjoy a wonderful happy time together, if you are generally happy. But if you mind is full of negativity like ‘it’s his fucking turn’ or whatever, that same activity becomes a chore.

Haha thanks it nice to know someone understands. im actually in Sydney Aus but have somehow ended up on mumsnet!
I think things will get better once I can go back to work and put the youngest in nursery. it sounds like having 1.5 days to yourself while the kids are in childcare is working for you!
let's hope our investments in child raising while the husbands are making money pays off eventually 😀

Have you got any mum friends? Just having them over your house or going to theirs can do wonders whilst still caring for your children.

Thanks so much. I think I need to be kinder to myself. Sometimes it's not just the crushing physical exhaustion of being the primary caregiver but also the huge mental responsibility for being their sole attachment figure.