How do I survive young kids with husband who works all the time?

[Theresa88]

I have a nine month old and 3.5 year old. Husband works around the clock (until midnight every night) and when he's not working on the weekends i do most of the childcare. I do everything for the kids- every nursery drop off and pick up (3.5 year old in nursery 4 days a week), feed them every time, bedtime by myself most nights etc.
I'm utterly burnt out. how do I survive? im on maternity leave and I'll be going back to work two days a week when the youngest is 15 months old. We have no family support because we moved away from our hometown for husbands job.

I was in exactly the same position as you op and it was tough although it was more like 8pm for us. I used to rotate them to a different activity every 45 minutes. Out the house, then play in kitchen. Make a den for them under the table so I can clean kitchen. Involve them in cooking or hanging up the washing, I found there was nearly always a way. But yeah the trick for me was splitting the day right down and rotating activities.

I had a similar thread a while back, @Theresa88 , but I think I posted it in 90 days only. My husband is actually not all that well qualified - hasn’t been to university - but found himself earning around £95,000 due to being trained in and in fairness being extremely skilled at something a bit niche.

It is an excellent salary of course but it is not the hazy heights of several hundred thousand a year so it doesn’t allow us to splurge money on endless household staff to support us!

We have two children two and a half years apart. Last year, I went back after maternity leave and only two days off a week had a three year old (then four) and a one year old and it was just awful and overwhelming to be honest; endless ‘mummy!’ and spills and mess, no down time at all.

Like you I’ve always done the night wakes, nursery runs, everything … it’s hard to explain how exhausting it is. DH doesn’t get back until bedtime.

It has been a lot easier this year with only one child at home (ds started school in September) and I am finding them easier mostly generally although dd has recently hit terrible twos with a vengeance.

I think it is largely about survival and pragmatism. As you can see MN don’t tend to sympathise; it’s a school of thought that demands either DH does 50/50 and if that involves a new job be it so … but that isn’t possible or practical. My DH has worked in his company for twenty years now and even if he could leave he’d lose a lot of the goodwill sort of benefits he has. So really we’d be looking at a menial type job which aren’t always any better in terms of family life and would make DH miserable as it would me! Or it says suck it up buttercup; you married a man with money so lucky you.

It is a waiting game. I have said to friends I felt like I was drowning and treading water to breathe and survive but not enough to do anything else. This year a bit of ‘me’ is coming back; I’ve lost four stone and am a healthy weight again and that’s helped too (not saying you do, but binge eating sugar and fatty foods was unfortunately one of my coping mechanisms.)

I wish you well

@notnowchildren I agree that it's not often possible or beneficial to leave a good job in order to make everything 50/50.

However, the OPs husband isn't doing any childcare, even when he's not working. That's not on. My dh works similar hours, in a physically demanding job, and he still does at least 50% when he's home. She doesn't seem willing to address that with him, which is concerning.

I have read the OPs posts but can’t see where she’s said that, sorry. Have I missed something?

In the opening post, she says she still does almost everything, even when he's home. And then hasn't replied to anyone, who has said she needs to talk to him about this.

But she does say that even when he’s home he is working.

My sister used to say it’s worse being married to someone useless like this because you are a single parent but people think you are married so there is no help for you.

He is making choices for both of you, that suit HIM. Your children won’t even know who he is, and neither will you. HE IS CHOOSING THAT.

i would put your foot down and move back to your hometown asap before your eldest starts reception. Otherwise eventually finding another new school and potentially not having as many options will be added to the mix, as well as your child having to start all over again in a different school.

He is not working every hour of every day though. When he's not working, he should be pulling his weight with the kids.

This! My husband works v long hours too, altho a very different industry and almost certainly nowhere near as well paid but we live fairly close to my friends and family and I see them all the time. I also didn’t go back to employed work after having kids, altho I am self employed as a partner in husbands business.

I accept that some days I’ll be akin to Mary poppins, skipping around being the mum I always pictured I’d be and that some days I’ll be like a little feral raccoon, living in chaos and just doing the best I can. As long as the kids are always loved, fed and clean… ish… I consider that to be a win. You can’t do it all perfectly so you have to prioritise a bit. I also have a cleaner, invaluable.

My DH used to get home then when DC were small. He was building his career. I was a sahm and loved it.

Hi I am struggling to keep up with all the messages sorry.
I have addressed him helping with parenting and he has become better since our second kid arrived. however he works a lot of weekends and when he has been up until midnight working i try to let him have a rest on weekends. He does help where he can.
investment decisions have all been made jointly and are all in joint names or my name only. Im financially secure in the event of divorce.

@Theresa88 Then I’m struggling to see the problem. You’ve made a joint decision to prioritise investments, a joint decision to own lots of property but rent a place to live and you decided to let him sleep in because he was up late working. So what would you like to see happen? If you don’t want to scale back all these optional costs and you don’t want to move and you don’t want to put your child into nursery then this is entirely the life you’ve chosen. It will get easier as the kids get older (in some ways anyway) so it’s all quite temporary.

Well if you are choosing to let him
do this and it’s all joint decisions,
then just get on with it. Good luck.

My husband works similar hours. As a result, I drew the line at one child because I knew I just couldn't manage any more. He wanted / still wants another but it would be far too much to do essentially alone.
No advice here but my heart goes out to you.

These investments don’t seem to be delivering OP if you can’t scrounge together anything spare to outsource anything

my husband worked insane hours
but I came with a tasty salary
so whilst i did everything child related Monday - Fridays, I had a cleaner in twice a week.

also what I found helped was seeing friends during the day. Lots.

also… my eldest was at nursery like yours, and only having one was pretty easy. I used to catch up on greys anatomy during nap time! Lots of baby classes and meeting up with mums. It was fine and passed quickly

Did he even want children?

Well they are here now

and let’s say he didn’t… unless the op misled him into thinking she was on contraception when she wasn’t… it’s irrelevant

Well done. I have done the same: if he were more involved on week days, I’d have considered another child but one is enough in our circumstances.

Well, if you have jointly decided to move away from family, invest all your money and for him to work 7 days a week, while you do 100% of childcare with no money left to pay for help....You have chosen this, crack on.

There is no magic to it. You have one in nursery anyway and I struggle to see what's so hard at being alone with a 9 month old for 4 days a week. They still take 2 naps at that age.

Accept that you are a SAHM 24/7, you don't get to just rest, or exercise, or see friends.

Not a decision I would have made. I struggle to see why you value yourself so little really.