How do I survive young kids with husband who works all the time?

[Theresa88]

I have a nine month old and 3.5 year old. Husband works around the clock (until midnight every night) and when he's not working on the weekends i do most of the childcare. I do everything for the kids- every nursery drop off and pick up (3.5 year old in nursery 4 days a week), feed them every time, bedtime by myself most nights etc.
I'm utterly burnt out. how do I survive? im on maternity leave and I'll be going back to work two days a week when the youngest is 15 months old. We have no family support because we moved away from our hometown for husbands job.

She said ex…

Similar to us here and kids similar age. I think it’s interesting you say you don’t want to put your youngest into childcare until older. It sounds like you need some help. Nursery would help - or some other form of relief for you for a few hours. Xx

I’m sure you’ve all read it before, but the story of the fisherman and the businessman is apt here…https://thestorytellers.com/the-businessman-and-the-fisherman/

@Afternoonbath Yes happy to say now ex husband. I got to 25 years married and realised I couldn't face still being with him for the rest of my life.

I'm a solicitor in London, also practicing corporate law. I'm sorry to break it to you and OP re point 4, but, while the women do pull in some crazy hours, they make a hell of a lot more allowances for their families than the men. They take mat leave, they leave drinks early, they don't hang around the office for no reason. Most burn out but the ones that don't, also get promoted.

I have 3 male senior associates with small babies in my team currently. Two of them had to be forced to take their few weeks paternity leave by HR and the senior partners. The male partner I work with the most has kids under 5 and he openly says he stays in the office until after bath time even when we have a slow day.

It's a big team and most of the men in my team are decent. The shit ones stand out and I bet they tell their wives they have no choice but to never be home for dinner.

A lot of lawyers don’t half talk some fucking bullshit about their jobs and how important and hard working they are. Before anyone starts, I am one btw, but consciously in a field where it hasn’t encompassed my entire life and personality. Poorer than those ones as well, but hey ho.

On a lounger on holiday, enjoying endless mumsnet and Instagram. But yes, I went back to work at 7 months.

FTM=FIRST time mum.

But hey, is there such a thing as a part time mum anyway?

You can do this and be financially independent as well.

My DH is a farmer and puts in some stupidly long hours. Not 52 weeks a year but I don’t see much of him between July - October and he gets maybe two weekends off a year. It’s normal to us and our industry.

But - we talked about it. My career has taken a back seat but my pension has been paid into, ISA’s
are sorted and over time a directorship in the family company. I didn’t have help when the kids were small apart from when I worked. Although to be fair I didn’t have parents and in laws around to help. I didn’t resent him because in the long run it’s paid off for us. Kids are now teens and I still work part time. Lots of my spare time is taken up with ferrying around kids and family admin but frankly sometimes I just take myself off shopping for an afternoon or for a run.

OP you need to discuss what you’re both working towards.

My children's father purposely made himself unavailable for family routines, childcare, outings, holidays, using unnecessary work as an excuse ..
Reader, I divorced him.

I'm also a solicitor, previously at a City firm, so you're not breaking anything to me. I agree that women take maternity leave while men don't. In my experience, beyond that, only a small amount of time is spent by anyone hanging about the office doing nothing (especially these days) or going to drinks. People are at work because they are working. To the extent that anyone is spending time at work unnecessarily, it's down to the individual not their sex.

I cannot stand this narrative that female lawyers are all doing fewer hours to spend more time with the kids- one of those things people say to try to support women but which is actually pretty sexist and harmful. If half the workforce were habitually billing less than the other, firms would soon know about it.

I'm not at all arguing that OP should just suck it up- quite the reverse. But the idea that someone can just choose to do fewer hours within the same role is for the most part pie in the sky.

I honestly wonder what jobs people do to have both parents doing 50/50 childcare?

Comments saying that working long hours isnt parenting. No maybe not but it keeps the food in the fridge and the heating on!

Some people do work jobs that require them to work long hours/ shifts/ away from home. Usually the other parent runs the home. It is really tough but you do just get on with it. Personally I found that you end up taking 0 time for yourself. It is shit.

just Playing devils advocate / asking the question, but do some women not remain in more junior roles on purpose so they have less responsibility and can get away from work earlier? Or does it not work like that? I can’t imagine a man doing that as much but maybe they do

I love this and hadn’t seen before

Fellow lawyer here. US firm in London. Sorry, but while the hours are brutal, no one works THAT much.

Late every night and every weekend….even when I have been sat in meetings when the highest billers are being congratulated….its not all the waking hours. I say this having worked in the City of London for over 20 years doing transactional work…..

Think you may have bigger issues OP.

They do, they either have a house husband or outsource everything.

If they are not billing sufficient hours, then they are managed out. It happens. A lot.

Honestly he’s not really around much so the obvious solution would be to move back to your hometown where you have a support network. You should also put baby in nursery a day or two half days a week.

sounds like you may as well move back now. You never see him; the kids never see him. You could move back now where you would have support and he commutes for the week to work city.

You may find you resent him less if he’s genuinely away for work rather than that horrible sort-of-around-but-not-being-useful which is rage inducing.

For practical tips I recommend considering yourself a single parent and building a life which works for you and the kids. Get the 3yo into classes on a weekend which build to drop & leave situations. It won’t be long before he’ll be in a class for an hour or 2 and you get 1:1 time with the baby in a coffee shop.

Join a gym with a crèche, use it to exercise and get a couple of hours quiet.

Get regular routines in place. No messing around at bedtime etc. Everyone sleeps in their own bed and you get time alone. Be consistent and firm.

Batch cooking, no ironing, play tidy up games so the chores are done when the kids are up & helping. Not saved for after bed time, that’s your downtime.

Build friendships & networks where you can. Later you’ll need them for shared pick ups etc.

OP, very similar situation here but expectations of DH when he is home and is not working is to be hands on (most weeks his only day off is Sunday and he still has to take work calls and sometimes catch up).

Does your DH work from home? After covid we got more balance where my DH would come home from the office and work until tea time, then bath the kids and help put them to bed and then go back into the home office to work.

Could your DH do something similar?

This thread has got sidetracked by how many hours he/other lawyers do. None of that is relevant.
what is relevant is

1. the fact he doesn’t parent even when he is home
2. the fact he has made unilateral decisions with their money none of which are beneficial to the op

Yes, this.

Are you going to address these points with your husband, OP?

Pay for a cleaner and a mother's help.