How do I survive young kids with husband who works all the time?

[Theresa88]

I have a nine month old and 3.5 year old. Husband works around the clock (until midnight every night) and when he's not working on the weekends i do most of the childcare. I do everything for the kids- every nursery drop off and pick up (3.5 year old in nursery 4 days a week), feed them every time, bedtime by myself most nights etc.
I'm utterly burnt out. how do I survive? im on maternity leave and I'll be going back to work two days a week when the youngest is 15 months old. We have no family support because we moved away from our hometown for husbands job.

High income presumably if working these hours?

He needs to be doing 50% of the childcare on the weekends. He may be working around the clock, but so are you.

Why does he work so many hours?
Did he want children as much as you did?
Why doesn't he want to parent his children?

have you had a conversation about this? Does he know? I had a DH who had lots of overseas trips at a similar stage in our lives. Weeks away, hundreds of miles from family. In the end we ended up taking a foreign posting en famille and it solved the problem.. we all went!
That’s not the problem with your family. But I suppose I’m saying a conversation came up with a solution.

I am reflecting back on how I managed. I was in the same situation with a husband who worked away in the week and I worked a night on either Friday or Saturday. I had a slightly bigger age gap. I just did it to be honest. I was really strict about bedtime and nap time so I had the evening and a bit of time in the day on my own to either catch up with house bits or just do nothing! It is tough and full on and I guess you make the decision whether paid help (cleaner etc) would make it easier.

Does he need to be working this many hours? Has he always worked this many hours?

Why does he work so much? This sounds so hard. I’ve never heard of someone who works till midnight every night … unless he starts late too?

Is your DHs job worth it? He must barely see his children and you’ve moved away from family. I assume he’s on high pay, I think the only way I’d cope with this would be to put both DCs in nursery for a day when you aren’t working so you get a day to yourself each week.

The most obvious answer is to have a VERY serious sit down with your husband and don’t take any shit.
Why is he working until midnight? Why doesn’t he help at the weekend?

He needs to understand how unacceptable that is with tiny children.

However, I would wager that unfortunately he is unlikely to change so your best option is to try to save the situation without him. So leaving is one way - move back ‘home’ or somewhere you’d have more support.

Can you afford to get a babysitter once a week so you can do a yoga class or go for a swim or even just a coffee with a book for an hour?

Can you look at putting the baby into nursery for 4 days when you go back to work so that you get time to catch up on jobs / sleep / exercise / self care / batch cook?

Either he starts pulling his weight or you need to buy in some help. This is unsustainable.

How much is he earning? If he’s working all those hours because he’s a very high earner then you need to buy in more help. If he’s isn’t earning enough so you can do that he needs to get a new job.

Exactly

OP?

Won't talk about the dh and the work but presuming he makes good money.
Get a teenager every Saturday to play with the oldest child preferably outside. Get them to watch both of them while you have a bath read a book in your room. As your little one gets older you may be able to leave for short spells. Also get them in the holidays . Go down to a 4 day week if possible but still send dc to nursery so you can rest, meet a friend etc. Or even get an au pair if you have space.
My dh didn't work such long hours but l always had a teenager and my dd did that for a family nearby during her teen years. It means the dc always had someone they were familiar with ( as it sounds like they hardly know their dad!!)
Your dh needs to remember if you divorce he will have both children at least every other weekend.

He's earning quite a lot but a lot of it goes to tax, our property investments, nursery fees and rent (we're renting in a high cost area). there's no space for an au pair in our house.
hes a lawyer and he's always worked long hours and will continue to do so, so I guess I will be a single parent (except financially) forever.
I don't want to put the baby in nursery until he's a bit older. I guess I just have to survive until then but it's also a marathon you know because he will always be working like this, and childcare will always be my responsibility.

Why will childcare always be your responsibility? Talk to him and tell him he needs to be doing childcare on the weekends.

And use his big lawyer salary to get some paid help in. Don't be a martyr.

Get a cleaner and a babysitter/ child care helper

He's working on the weekend most of the time

by the time we pay tax, investment expenses, nursery fees and rent there is not much salary left to outsource

Well on the weekends he's not working, he still needs to he helping.

Is his salary going to improve? Because the hours are not worth it for this. You need to talk to him.

Well then he needs a different job!
how much is he on?

In that case you buy in help. You can’t afford the investments atm, they will come in second to getting the help you need right now. My friends whose husbands work like this have ad hoc Nannie’s who they use constantly so that they can go to an exercise class or whatever. Definitely a cleaner, non negotiable. What is the point of being a lawyer if you don’t enjoy/use the money?!? But also, cast iron contraception, it doesn’t seem like he has any interest whatsoever in being a husband or a father. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with his children at weekends?

There's some interesting financial decisions. Who decided to rent?
If he's earning that much, you shouldn't be working. Otherwise he needs a different job.

How can "investment expenses" be (overall) negative? Surely any expenses are massively outweighed by income from those same investments (on top of his salary)?

You also keep talking about tax. If you are paying lots of tax, then you are receiving a massive income. You only pay income tax on what you earn, so the more you pay, the more you’re earning.

Or he really shouldn’t be in the investment game and is very naive and being rinsed!