How do I survive young kids with husband who works all the time?

[Theresa88]

I have a nine month old and 3.5 year old. Husband works around the clock (until midnight every night) and when he's not working on the weekends i do most of the childcare. I do everything for the kids- every nursery drop off and pick up (3.5 year old in nursery 4 days a week), feed them every time, bedtime by myself most nights etc.
I'm utterly burnt out. how do I survive? im on maternity leave and I'll be going back to work two days a week when the youngest is 15 months old. We have no family support because we moved away from our hometown for husbands job.

What?!? Just read this!! Then this situation is nothing short of absurd. You have property you can live in where you will have support. But you are choosing to pointlessly pay massive rent to live close to your husbands work when he pays absolutely no interest in any of you anyway!!

Ok thank you for the suggestions

If my DH was working those kind of hours I'd want it to be financing a high level of outsourcing the running of the house (cleaner, gardener, ironing, childcare etc). If he's not prepared do any parenting then he needs to be taking everything else off your plate so you can parent 100%. If it's not buying you that kind of lifestyle then what exactly is the point?

I think the investments expenses need to be scaled back at least until both DC are out of nursery.

I am a bit worried about your situation. This could end up one of those five years down the line husband is doing well and has achieved his career aims and thinks about moving back to their home city... then takes a look at his exhausted frazzled wife who mostly thinks about organising domestic stuff and all things child related. and starts noticing how many lively attractive ambitious younger women there are in the world. There's no guarantee that playing this game will be worth the outcome.

My husband and I are both lawyers. He’s by far the higher earner. I am so so so so so so so so so so glad my husband went in house before we had our son. He moved jobs to in house just before we had him and his getting back at 1900 every evening was bad enough with a baby. So, we have only one.

I just simply wouldn’t put up with this, being used like a skivvy and a drudge while he has much if not all of the financial control, slaving away hoping for the carrot of partnership while his kids grow and hit major milestones basically without their father’s involvement. It’s an incredibly old fashioned model of marriage: he sounds like a male law firm partner from the 80s/90. I’d be so miserable with the sheer inequality of it, that I would probably make arrangements to leave.

And I don’t say that lightly.

It sounds like you are prioritising all the wrong things, to be honest.

Did you have this conversation before having children? Has he changed what was agreed? You need to sit down with him and decide where you both go from here.

Some posts are harsh on your husband - one of you need to work hard in jobs to earn money and to be financial stable and secure. Everyone's situation is different. I think, you should go back to work asap and arrange a child care - even if you are not saving anything, atleast you will progress in your career and have help while kids are growing.

I have been in your husband's position for many years. What a lot of posters won't understand is that his hours aren't optional whilst he's in that role. It is a core expectation and is the reason he is paid what he is. If that doesn't work for him or your family then he needs to move jobs and take a substantial pay cut. He can't stay in his current role and say he's logging off at 6pm and won't be working weekends. He will be fired and his professional reputation will be trashed.

But what stands out to me is that you can't afford help because of the property investments. That is ridiculous. If you can't afford the help you need then you can't afford the property investments. You need to scale back on them and get more help at home. You can return to investing when you're out of the trenches of young children. Right now you need to prioritise your family and that means ensuring you are not feeling totally overwhelmed. Would a nanny make more sense than nursery? Can you get a cleaner? A part time housekeeper? A mother's help to help with dinnertime and bedtime?

Well it sounds like you decided as a family to prioritise future income over current lifestyle. Which is fine of course but that means you are sacrificing now for a future that is easier.

we don’t have investments or property portfolios because we are both home in the evenings and don’t make that kind of money. But we are raising our children together.

whether a great retirement is worth all this is up to you.

No point having property investments if you going to burn out.
Sell a property pay for help.
Send youngest to nursery .

It sounds like you have made a mutual decision that money is a higher priority than your marriage, sanity and children. In your shoes I would move back and get a divorce, there seems to be plenty of money in the marriage for you to live a comfortable life back home with the support of your family. I'd be dubious that he is really working until midnight every day in all honesty. It seems to me that if you continue down this road divorce will be inevitable so why not do it now before you crack.

It sounds like a shit life to be honest. What's the point of having money if your life is shit? I've got a tiny fraction of what you have, no property, my partner earns 20k at most, but we have time and an equal relationship and a nice life. My advice is divorce him, then he would at least look after his own children one day a week, or sell one of your several investment properties and buy yourself a nanny. The kids would prefer to see their Dad sometimes instead though.

You hire a nanny

How far away are you from your home town? Appreciate it might be a long way if you’re in Aus, but if you own several properties in your home town and your husband is never around and never helps anyway, it might make sense for you and the kids to move home. He can rent a small flat and come to visit when he can possibly find the time. You’ll have your support network at hand.

What is the point of having an high income and owning multiple properties if you are miserable in day to day life?

For me it would make more sense to buy in help / childcare and prioritise spending what limited time is available as a family.

If I was you I’d have a think about what things you would really want and what would make your family happier and then discuss with your husband.

It's funny how some men work such long hours, and so much overtime, when the children are small/at school. As soon as the children leave home, you can't get men out of the house, they suddenly hate work and drop their hours down, want to stay in all day watching TV on their days off, and get under your bastard feet half the time.

I may be projecting a bit...

He wants to “invest” because he thinks your time and effort is free and that it will be a “waste” to spend money on childcare I bet.

What is the point of having an high income and owning multiple properties if you are miserable in day to day life?

I totally agree. And I don't understand owning multiple properties and renting yourself.

I think long, stressful hours are just not compatible with family life and this kind of lifestyle is a young person's game. How long will it be before the husband suffers from burnout?

We are comfortable rather than wealthy and enjoy a good work lifestyle balance.

And as a corporate lawyer myself, I see this all the time. He's building up a great career and investments, at YOUR expense.

In 10 years time, when he's succesful and you're a run down, middle aged chubby nag, he will take one look at you and decide he can do better.

You need to put your foot down now.

Your labour is not free. He doesn't get to control all the money and leave you with no help. That's not what being a father means.

Funny how all the senior female lawyers manage to take time for their kids and pay for nannies.

I've been exactly where you are, OP. My kids are older now but DH has been a partner for nearly 2 decades, while I have also worked (also FT in a responsible role but without such crazy hours) and generally had 100% responsibility for children + home. What worked for us-

1 Complete openness about finances, all decisions taken jointly. It is madness that you are about to burn out while he is focused on investments. Investing can wait. There can be an attitude among lawyers that you inevitably have a fairly short shelf life and therefore have to plan on retiring early 50s at the latest, because no one can work at that pace forever, and that can mean investing a good amount an an early stage, but like everything it is a question of balance.

2 We have always had a cleaner (even when I was on mat leave) and paid for additional help as needed.

3 Understanding from DH that his career comes with burdens to you both as well as benefits. It's well paid but it's also incredibly disruptive of family life (DH is now super senior but still had to get out of bed at 11.30pm last night to do an hour long call 😭)

4 I think some of the comments on this thread are unrealistic- especially those about women not doing hours like this. In this sort of job, everyone does these hours and if you don't like it, you go elsewhere. It's unlikely that it's open to him just to work less. It is open to him to go elsewhere, however, for a bit less money and a more normal life. Whether that's a better course is a decision that you should discuss together.

My life was like this. I had a 1yo and 4yo and did absolutely everything while XH worked until 8 every night, came home, ate dinner then fell asleep until bedtime. He spent every weekend helping at hobbies.
I worked full time travelling between 4 schools, all cooking and housework. My daughter recently said "I don't know how you did that mum" and I'm inclined to agree. I did it because I had to. I suppose I could have put my foot down but he would just have made an arse of any job I asked him to help with (probably deliberately) so I was better just doing them myself.

Sorry I have no useful advice. It's so hard.