Parents of boys, how do you deal with…

[24evergreen]

…comments about not having a girl?

I have two boys and all my friends either have girls or a girl & a boy. It seems like whenever I’m with them, or other people in general, there will be comments about how glad they have a girl or how they prayed for a girl. It seems more so for when they are older and so that they have a guaranteed “bestie” and someone to do things with and care for them in old age. There are also always comments about how having one of each is “perfect” and therefore having two of the same gender (specifically boys) are a somewhat consolation prize.

They will then always tell stories of their brothers not being close to their mum, or some guy they know cut their parents off following a marriage.

What upsets me is that people say these things in front of me mindlessly and if I’m honest it hurts. I feel like I’m having to constantly remind people that just because you have a certain gendered child it doesn’t guarantee closeness, that depends on your relationship with the child. I know because I have girl friends that don’t get on with their mums and are closer with their dads.

I have a lovely relationship with my mum and I would have loved the experience of raising a daughter but I feel at peace with my boys and I can’t imagine not being close with them (I appreciate this may change).

I’m basically asking how would you deal with the comments? What do you say back, if anything. It is starting to get me down and it’s making me think if so many people have these opinions then maybe it’s true and my boys will grow up and not bother with me at all and this makes me so sad.

Hmmm, so if we'd had a girl I would have perhaps had to deal with pink, dolls, really skimpy t shirts that look too small even at toddler age, leggins not trousers and how appalling they look, the teen bit where they wear skimpy frocks, feigning interest in 'girly' things etc.

I’ve literally never heard this. Most people I know wanted boys. Some that had 2 children preferred one of each but definitely never heard preference for having girls over boys, quite opposite in fact.

Basically tell them you are so grateful to have healthy children. Boys can be way more affectionate than girls. The teenage years can be difficult with girls.

This is a great response

@24evergreen , I am the mother of two sons. I was initially disappointed to not have a girl but my sons were both quite premature and so we settled for the two healthy children we had.
My boys grew up understanding that family was important, I was quite strict actually but also very loving. Interestingly because of my husband’s birthday they are here this evening and I was talking to them about how they had perceived their childhood and they agreed with my strict but fair and loving summation.
in January our 6th grandchild will be born and I look forward to meeting her. I am blessed beyond measure with my beautiful family, my two boys are absolutely committed to our shared family and I am so grateful for our two amazing daughter in laws who I so appreciate for making our sons complete and happy.
My family enjoys so much collective joy and we look to spend time together, we have the most loving and easy relationship.
My husband and I are extraordinarily fortunate that our sons didn’t marry one of those vicious women who irrationally hate their in-laws and seek to cleve their husband’s from their birth family. I don’t believe either of our boys would have accepted that scenario, we were/are non negotiable.
I can’t help you to deal with the comments today but I hope I can help you. The people who are saying these things don’t have grown up children, they are making assumptions which is often an error. Perhaps, perhaps, what do you think? Those who have boys and girls have an unconscious bias and foster a closer relationship with the girls believing they will be more likely to be closer to them going forward in life. In so doing they may subconsciously push their sons to be much more independent from them.
Anyway I want to offer you hope. I’ve had yet another beautiful day with my family, filled with love and joy; I know many more such days lie ahead.
Embrace your beautiful boys, give them love and happy times; teach them the importance of family. Teach them to be strong independent thinkers and not dependent and malable.
I would not swap my amazing boys for the universe although I confess purchasing clothes for little girls is fun. X

Why. Is there something wrong with teenage girls?

i can’t believe the number of women on here railing against stereotyping boys but them wanting to do the same to their own sex. Have a word with yourself

Same stereotyping of girls you’re complaining about with boys. If you want to stop stereotyping start with yourself

Same stereotyping of girls you’re complaining about with boys. If you want to stop stereotyping start with yourself

Revel in their faces? Were they jealous you had the boys they didn’t want??

Same stereotyping of girls you’re complaining about with boys. If you want to stop stereotyping start with yourself

Whatever you have people will suggest the opposite is best.

Two boys - oh, maybe a girl next time to dress up in fairy costumes, 3rd time lucky...

Two - oh, is your DH disappointed, no son to play golf/carry/on the family name/learn the family trade blah blah.

One of each - oh, 2 the same would have been lovely, they would be the best of friends as adults (aye, like me and my sister, not 😆)

Why social media?

id imagine its because of the realisation of how appallingly many men behave - surfaced by programmes like Adolescence and embodied by men like Andrew Tate. I don’t think it could be reduced to saying it’s a ‘fashion’ thing. I think it’s probably a genuine worry about how many men behave

95% of the time I am incredulous that they would think anyone would prefer to have their kids over mine….

OP I’m shocked that people make comments like that. That’s very rude. I would never pass comment on someone’s family. I would just rise above it, don’t sink to their level by making equally catty remarks.

At this stage your kids are so young you don’t know what their interests will be. I have 2 boys and they always liked the same things - trains, football etc. Family days out were easy as a result. They’re 20 and 16 now, and they go to football matches together, darts together, they talk about boy stuff together - they’re great mates, and that makes me really happy. That’s the stuff that really matters.

I get this quite a bit and I was shocked initially. I actually didn't speak to my grandmother for a long time as she made some terrible comments about me having a boy when I was pregnant!! She was incredibly upset when I announced I was having a boy - I was 10 weeks pregnant so you can imagine I did not take it well.

It doesn't actually bother me now my boy is here (he's 15 months).I look at him and all I see is perfection.

I now feel sorry for people who feel so strongly about this stuff as I now realize it must come from some terrible family dynamics.

People talk total nonsense. I think sometimes is just something to say.

I have one of each (obviously feel deeply lucky to have them) and I don't think it's some gold standard. I'd actually love for one of them to have a same sex sibling (but we probably won't for boring reasons).

I have definitely come across what I've heard called "SMOG" (smug mothers of only girls) who clutch their pearls at ever having a boy!

I have a son who has cut me off since being in a relationship, a son who hasn’t and one who is not in a relationship but doesn’t really call or see us much although there’s no bad feeling he’s just busy with life and friends and work and I respect that.
I do think partners can be more of an influence over contact with family when you have a son

I have three adult boys and are close to all of them. They keep in contact regularly - including calling for chats, ask for advice with problems, ring me to ask for advice for their friend’s problems (!!!) (weird blister on your foot? - let’s call my mum she’ll know what to do), They’re very huggy - I get lots of hugs from them when I see them. We go out together - went to the cinema with my youngest last week. They’re close to each other too, although all very different.

I used to get girl comments too. I just ignored them.

I always say I'd liked to have had a girl, but when I got pregnant the second time I really wanted another boy. Shuts the conversation down. I wasnt bothered either way either time.

I’ve got a 17yo boy and an 11 yo girl. My son is far more like me, we have good chats and I always know where’s he’s coming from as I’ve been there.

My daughter is so much more like my husband. The pride on my husband’s face when it comes to our daughter and her ways, it amuses me!

Yes I can do mother/daughter things aka I can spend money on her, but my daughter is her own person and very much won’t just do what I want her to do, she’s never say agreed to dress in stuff I’d like her to wear and that’s fine. The often hyped mother and daughter being ‘twins’ and ‘besties’ is when you have a compliant daughter who just goes along with it. My daughter isn’t and good on her for it.

Out of the two I know who will bugger off and not talk to me for ages when she’s older, the independent, adventurous one that’s my daughter. My son will be back every five minutes for a nice chat and a drink.

Don’t presume anything on what sex your child is, they’re a personality.

A friend of ours had three boys. Two of the boys are in relationships with men, all three have partners. She absolutely loves it she now has her five a side of boys and a daughter in law who keeps her sane. She had loads of comments about whether she wanted a girl and she was never fussed. Loved all her boys and they are such a close family. I'm a little jealous in a way.

I mean, get better friends for a start! Who says shit like this?

My DC are in their twenties now and I am very emotionally close to DS. He confides in me, we go on little holidays together.

I don’t know how I would respond to this but “what a strange view” springs to mind.

I do think we’re inclined to hear things that “hit” with us- my dp has 3 siblings and we all have 2 children-2x2 girls, 1x2 boys and dp and I have one of each. I think they get comments on having the best/worst combination. Only DP and I are consistently told we’re the lucky ones with our what his grandma called a “pigeon pair”!

Such thoughts are underpinned by:

Smugness
Assumptions
Gender stereotypes

To speak then out loud to a mother of boys reveals a LOT about the person saying them. It's about them; their prejudices and insecurities. Also they are a nob.

I fucking love being a “boy mum”. I honestly look at those little fuckers and can’t believe how lucky I am to have them both.

So, fuck what anyone else thinks, or thinks I should feel, quite frankly.