Parents of boys, how do you deal with…

[24evergreen]

…comments about not having a girl?

I have two boys and all my friends either have girls or a girl & a boy. It seems like whenever I’m with them, or other people in general, there will be comments about how glad they have a girl or how they prayed for a girl. It seems more so for when they are older and so that they have a guaranteed “bestie” and someone to do things with and care for them in old age. There are also always comments about how having one of each is “perfect” and therefore having two of the same gender (specifically boys) are a somewhat consolation prize.

They will then always tell stories of their brothers not being close to their mum, or some guy they know cut their parents off following a marriage.

What upsets me is that people say these things in front of me mindlessly and if I’m honest it hurts. I feel like I’m having to constantly remind people that just because you have a certain gendered child it doesn’t guarantee closeness, that depends on your relationship with the child. I know because I have girl friends that don’t get on with their mums and are closer with their dads.

I have a lovely relationship with my mum and I would have loved the experience of raising a daughter but I feel at peace with my boys and I can’t imagine not being close with them (I appreciate this may change).

I’m basically asking how would you deal with the comments? What do you say back, if anything. It is starting to get me down and it’s making me think if so many people have these opinions then maybe it’s true and my boys will grow up and not bother with me at all and this makes me so sad.

Honestly people talk utter trite all the time. There's something about being a mother (or a woman probably) that makes everyone think that they can or even have to make some sort of asinine pointless remark about something you have or haven't done or got. I deal with it by utter rage.

'Oh that's interesting. Are you not worried about the teenage years?'

😂

@PlaceIntheClouds if only I had thought of this!!!

Yes!

I have 3 boys, 1 girl. Since DS3 was born i’ve had so many comments about my daughter not having a sister, having a house full of boys etc etc.

not one single thing has been said to DH

I have 2 teen boys and honestly have never had a comment like this, myself. But I know there is that sort of attitude amongst a cohort. My mother tuts about a local family who have 4 boys and says 'such a shame... [insert trite stupid comment of choice]'.

But, OP I do NOT have a good relationship with my mother and mainly deal with her out of obligation. I never have had a good relationship with her. She resented me for NOT being a boy.

I think I would respond robustly to shitty ignorant remarks, TBH. Ask the person if they know how ignorant they sound. Ask them 'why would you say something so ridiculous?'. Ask them if they are so hung up on sex sterotypes they can't see past their own hands etc.

But I am 52 now and after decades of trying to people please and placate I'm simply over it.

I lost a girl at full term before I had my two wonderful boys. People still said stupid stuff all the time. I would always be too nice, but one time a particularly insensitive woman asked me three times "wouldn't you like to have a girl, deplorabelle?" I snapped back "I did. She died." That worked. Sorry not much help. Once the kids get a bit older, this kind of nonsense dies down a bit.

I also have a terrible relationship with my mum - and have quite a few friends who are pressured by mums to fill that “best friend” role to the detriment of their own lives and freedom. My boys are leaving home soon and I’m incredibly proud of the men they’ve become, I would never clip their wings. Ignore their stupid comments - try not to respond with disparaging comments about girls, it makes you as bad as they are 🥰.

PS whatever sex/gender presentation your child has us no guarantee of closeness between either parent, as I'm sure you know. My eldest is an adult now and we have a great relationship. Not to boast or tempt fate but I'm the only one of my friends I know whose teenage children will ever go on walks with them, and I'm widely regarded as supremely lucky my boys are so close to me and DH.

When my youngest was little people would ask if I was going to have another to try and get a girl and I would laugh at them. I don't think anyone had said anything since he was about 3.

Say what they said back to them if it’s that constant- so they say it and you say hold on are you saying and repeat what they said. If they don’t get the hint, say I must tell my boys that or are you trying to convince yourself of that? (Annoying mn tinkly laugh) They sound like they’re being rude enough for you to be blunt right back! That or laugh like they’ve just said something funny!!

I have a boy and a girl.

I wouldn't trade either of mine for anything, obviously, but I'm secretly very jealous of a family we're close to who have four boys.

I would have liked two boys close in age, but after secondary infertility and a miscarriage I was just over the moon to have my girl.

Would love another boy (or girl) but DH only wants two.

Families work (or don't work) depending on personality not gender.

Omg this drives me mad OP. I have two boys, 5 & 3. And either it's other parents talking about how great girls are/how lucky they are to have a girl/how they wouldn't know what to do with a boy. Or it's people directly asking if we'll try for a girl, or that kind of comment. As it happens I am pregnant with #3 and the main reason we've not shared the news with my in-laws is because I don't want to tell them until we know the sex, because they'll make unkind comments and speculation. They thought I'd be disappointed with my second boy. Our childminder has 1 girl and 3 boys, all grown up, and she seems close with them all. She has more contact with her son's kids than her daughters probably just down to where they live, but she would be the most incredible MIL 😆

I have one DS and don’t remember these comments. I have had comments about having only one child. Gently close them down. So do you think it is less gpod to have two boys, because that is what I have…watch the squirms

I'm sorry some people are so fatuous about these stereotypes, which sound like total nonsense to me. There is not guarantee that a daughter will be a chatty, girly shopping buddy who will want to look after you, or that a boy will be more distant and drift from you and have no interest in caregiving.

I have two adult boys they are the best brothers, the best blokes to have around. I wouldn’t change it for the world. OP honestly zone out, don’t comment just enjoy yours with that confidence that you have healthy happy boys, and incidentally I’m a petrol head so I have my “bestie” he just happens to be my son.

I've got two boys. Absolutely adore them and love being a boy mum. In general I've not had this, I do think the narrative about a son being a son til he gets himself a wife is starting to change, my husband is very close to his mum, we have a great extended family relationship so that's what we're modeling and what they'll be used to.

I did have it once with a lady in the mum and tots group. Poor lamb, she's clearly very insecure in herself but handles it by trying to bring everyone else down. She came over to the new baby, and did the traditional cooing and then said, "I am sorry though, two boys. I've got my wee DD and can't imagine not having her. I'd be really disappointed if I hadn't had a girl. Were you secretly hoping for a little girly girl?"

Well I didn't mean to and it was quite unlike me (I think sleep deprivation) but I let out a barking laugh and said 'God no.' and nothing else. That put a swift stop to the conversation so if you're asking how to handle it, try that.

People are so weird.. I have 1 boy, if I could have chosen I would have chosen a boy. I have no desire for a girl, maybe because I'm not particularly girly 🤷‍♀️

I just laugh and say at least my boys won’t be coming home telling me they’re pregnant. 😂

I hate it too and I have two girls. Out of my siblings my brother is closest to my Mum and does the most for her. My husband's brother is very close to his mother. The one of each being "perfect" is so annoying; I find that families with two boys or two girls more interesting as you see how different two kids of the same sex can be; especially if they are close in age. I have no expectations of my daughters caring for me in my old age; I want them off seeing the world with fantastic careers. As a parent of two girls I hate being told I have it easy; like my kids don't misbehave at home, like they don't appreciate how much effort we've put into teaching them how to behave in public, like the world is easy for women. I find I can't say anything to the parents of boys that say these things when they make assumptions as not having had a boy makes me unqualified to have an opinion.

I have one of each and obviously wouldn’t change it now, but I would have loved two the same.

I just think the 2 brothers or 2 sisters is so lovely.

There’s no perfect set up and other people’s opinions can butt out.

I have been a mum of two boys for nearly 14 years and I have never had a single comment about not having a girl

Tell them that boys are always much closer to their mums.
It’s mummy’s boys and daddy’s girls for a reason.

How old are your children? I feel like this was a thing when the kids were little but it’s absolutely not a thing now the kids are older, literally no one spouts anything about gender at all. My advice therefore would be to just grit your teeth and time will sort it out.

what's your husband's relationship like with his Mom? I think that's a huge signifier of how boys will grow up really - how it's mirrored to them by their Dad and you. Do his parents get equal opportunities with your kids? and obviously if so I'd quote that every time someone bitches about awful boys. anyone with one of each, just ask if they're really saying that they intend to be closer to their daughters than their son's? that seems quite sad to me. but ultimately if it kept being said, I'd just distance myself. they know you have boys. they know what they're doing and it's spiteful and bitchy.

That's never been my experience. I have two boys two years apart who have always got on well. The only comments I had were from people with one of each who said their DC had nothing in common and never played together, or parents of teenage girls who envied my lack of drama.