Parents of boys, how do you deal with…

[24evergreen]

…comments about not having a girl?

I have two boys and all my friends either have girls or a girl & a boy. It seems like whenever I’m with them, or other people in general, there will be comments about how glad they have a girl or how they prayed for a girl. It seems more so for when they are older and so that they have a guaranteed “bestie” and someone to do things with and care for them in old age. There are also always comments about how having one of each is “perfect” and therefore having two of the same gender (specifically boys) are a somewhat consolation prize.

They will then always tell stories of their brothers not being close to their mum, or some guy they know cut their parents off following a marriage.

What upsets me is that people say these things in front of me mindlessly and if I’m honest it hurts. I feel like I’m having to constantly remind people that just because you have a certain gendered child it doesn’t guarantee closeness, that depends on your relationship with the child. I know because I have girl friends that don’t get on with their mums and are closer with their dads.

I have a lovely relationship with my mum and I would have loved the experience of raising a daughter but I feel at peace with my boys and I can’t imagine not being close with them (I appreciate this may change).

I’m basically asking how would you deal with the comments? What do you say back, if anything. It is starting to get me down and it’s making me think if so many people have these opinions then maybe it’s true and my boys will grow up and not bother with me at all and this makes me so sad.

My mother in law said to me when I was pregnant with number 2 and I said I’d probably prefer another boy if I could pick “but a daughter is a friend for life???” accompanied with a look that suggested she thought I was off my head 😂

My friendship group consisted of 2 mums with 2 boys each and 2 mums with 2 girls each. I was the only one with a girl and boy.
They all felt sorry for me! They felt life was and would be so much easier with 2 of the same.

@deplorabelleso sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage after my first and had trouble conceiving my second yet so many people would say “are you hoping for a girl” when I was eventually pregnant. I’d always reply with “I just want a healthy baby!!”

Some people are just dicks and make stupid comments. It’s the height of bad manners. I’m sure they make comments whatever the family dynamics. Not to mention girl bashing - now that pisses me off.

The thing is, anyone can be critical about any combination, can’t they?

only children are lonely and spoiled
boys are rowdy
girls are bitchy
one of each - more gender stereotyping
3 or more - neglected and raised by siblings

Anyone passing comment about someone’s family makeup should be ignored or laughed at.

Eejits

I love having boys. Mine are affectionate, kind , uncomplicated and very loving. I get so many compliments on them and their good looks and am immensely proud.
I’ve never had any problems or issues with other parents about not having girls. The only bias I have witnessed is in Primary School: where the majority of teachers are female , thus favouring girls and in all honesty, not apt at dealing with the wiring of how boys are.

I have one boy, no one has ever commented on this. I'd be astounded if they did.

I am a grandmother of 2 boys (3 and 1) I have to be honest and say I would’ve loved granddaughter/s. This is probably because I understand girls more being a woman. I also have a son and daughter (my daughter being the eldest) and I would’ve liked her to have a sister.

I don’t think I’ve ever commented when people haven't had a daughter, only when they have boys I may say “you’ve got your hands full” playfully I may add.

Personally I think it’s personality rather than gender as to whether you are close. I see many families in my line of work, there is no guarantee a daughter is going to be Mums best friend. My Mum had 4 daughters, only 1 bothered with her (me).

My grandsons are my world. Delightful children. I pray my daughter and son in laws parenting pays off, and their boys look
up to and respect both of their parents.

Enjoy your boys OP. I thoroughly enjoy mine💙🩵

Sorry to hear that it's getting you down OP, I've had exactly the same as you and it does get you down. I haven't worked out what to say back yet either so following. My 2 boys are gorgeous and are the best of friends so I'm very grateful and happy so I try not to listen to these idiots.

Why?

This honestly drives me mad! I had people (MIL) asking if I would “try for a girl” as soon as I found out I was having a boy! Currently pregnant with number two and I have people asking “if it’s a boy, will you go for a third” … I honestly do not care if I have another boy, I want two children regardless of their gender and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a third in me. I think it’s lovely when mothers and daughters have that “best friend” relationship but it’s not guaranteed and sons can also have lovely relationships with their mum!
I always remind myself of a colleague - she had one of each. Her daughter went travelling at 19, met an Australian man and has lived there ever since (nearly ten years now). Her son lives ten minutes away and she sees him and his family once or twice a week. You really don’t know what the future holds - our children will live their own lives and we can only hope we are in them 🤞🏻

“Gosh I find this sort of comment really tiring. It’s simply not true that gender dictates whether a child and parent will be close, it’s the parenting. I know several women and men who aren’t close to their parents for one reason or another. It’s also completely tone deaf, and quite rude, considering I have two boys. Which, by the way, I am thrilled to have, and I have absolutely no worries about being neglected by them in the future! Now, who wants another glass of wine?”

@SleepingStandingUpTheir relationship is ok. MIL is very involved with the kids and looks after them as much my mum does but I do think this is because I encourage it and organise it. I wouldn’t say my DH is very close with his mum although we do spend time with his parents. He says we’re raising our boys differently compared to how he was raised (more affectionate and interested in them) and he therefore thinks that our boys will hopefully be closer because of it. But I do think that his mum treats his sister differently which is probably another reason why my Husband isn’t as close.

Yes, I feel the same. Never liked "girly" stuff and luckily I got 2 boys..

People always say stupid shit whatever the situation. One of DH’s mates got stick for only having girls, comments like, “You’ll never get in the bathroom” and “How will you cope when lads come knocking for them?” It’s just bollocks, ignore it.

Recognise that other people’s shit is their shit, and not your problem. If you want to say something, say ‘Janet, that’s something you might want to work through with a therapist’ and just get on.

I’m a boy mum, my boys are my best friends and always will be. I’m also the only one in my group of friends to only have boys but I’ve never heard any comments from them, it’s usually older women who’ve made comments to me, it just makes me think less of these women for firstly holding these views/stereotypes and then deciding to share them with me 🤨.

I've got 2 boys and I had this rubbish too.

I made the mistake of telling people my second was another boy, someone actually asked if I was disappointed. Still annoys me 17 years later! And the assumption that boys are smelly and noisy, drives me mad.

I think there's a trend at the moment that girls are preferable to boys, not sure why. I blame social media.

I had three boys two planned and one friends and family called the accident and comments like shame it wasn’t a girl.
honestly infuriated me. I called him my bonus.
I worried I was being greedy having a third and just hoped for a healthy baby. He was a gorgeous healthy boy.
Honestly couldn’t be more proud of my boys they’re close and so considerate to their dad and me. I have granddaughters now and enjoy every minute.
My daughter in laws are amazing and I count my blessings every day.
I have friends with daughters who can be selfish. I honestly think it’s how you bring them up. Don’t allow people to convince you daughters are better than sons.
I wouldn’t change a thing. ❤️

I just shrug my shoulders and say 'they're just my babies, I'm not bothered '

@SpikeGilesSandwichExactly this. They are people it does not matter whether they are girls are boys. They both have their moments. I have one of each. Take no notice.

If they were just talking i didnt say anything but if they directed it at me I used to say " I'm happy with the children I've got, thanks"

There was one time I was rude to someone. My sons were toddlers and this stranger started being sympathic that i only had boys and started on about if im going to try for a girl and that I was missing out and all that bollocks.

I made her cry. I my defence I was very sleep deprived and my tolerance for the bullshit of strangers was at zero.

What utter nonsense your friends speak. I am closer to my DS than my DD as I get older for the simple reason he lives locally and she lives 2 hours away so I see her far less. I often go out for a breakfast on a Sunday morning with my DS.

It’s so hurtful, especially when there’s a previous loss. Babies are so precious, so many of us are thinking how grateful we are for our babies, and can’t imagine being so spoiled as to worry about gender. Not to mention that life and gender remain volatile: someone in our community recently lost their young teen to cancer, and other young people are no longer identifying with the gender they were assigned at birth. Imagine knowing such a destiny was coming and caring about your precious new baby being or not being a boy or girl!