Daughter's dad hit her - dont know what to do

[Ineedahouse]

I split up with my Daughter's dad when she was two. She is now 10. He has always had a horrible temper- he rants and points a finger in your face when angry type of thing, calls you names, twists things you've said before to use against you, is belittling etc. Emotional rather than physical abuse. All valid reasons for me to leave him.

We've always had 50/50 care of DD and for the most part its been ok. Recently however he's been behaving the same to her. Ive had to pick her up from his twice as he's upset her with his shouting and name calling in the last few months. This week, he 'smacked' her - I'd say hit - on her bottom so hard the red mark was there for over an hour.

I picked her up straight away but she's uoset as he's said he 'doesnt want to see her for two weeks' which is basically silent treatment and I definitely don't want her to see him but I really don't know what to do now.

Do I report it? Do i carry on letting her see him? Do we have to go to court for custody - it's currently just our own agreed arrangement. She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him. I said he's crossed a line but then she told me he's hit her before when she was 7. They were on a walk and he smacked her in a field fgs.

Not that its relevant but she wasn't being naughty when this happened just saying something he didnt agree with and he lost his temper.

You need to contact the police.

I would not let my DC go back there
See a solicitor immediately

Speak with staff at her school today and ask for support to report to children's services x

Social services.

Fuck's sake.

He lost his temper because she said something he didn't like and he lashed out at her - then punishes her further by refusing to see her for a fortnight?

Solicitor, definitely. He can have his fortnight away from DD and another 178 fortnights after that.

No you can’t let her go back there, he’s abusive.

Contact a lawyer. I'd not want my child near a physically abusive father, and let's face it, she is approaching difficult & hormonal teenage years, so this could only get worse. Dont let him call the shots with this 'i dont want to see her for 2 weeks' nonsense, he is the one whose done wrong.

You left your husband because he treated you badly, and he didn’t get to the point of physical violence.

Maybe this is a good time to teach her that she shouldn’t accept this in any relationship?

You've already had some great suggestions so I won’t repeat them but best of luck and I’m sorry that he is putting you both through this.

What you should do is report it to the police, who will inform social services. They will then have a strategy meeting and decide whether they feel she is at risk of significant harm. If so, they will speak to both you and her father (and her) possibly with police if the police decide to investigate it (though they probably won't as there are no injuries)
If they do a section 47 this will benefit you if he decides to take you to court for contact. In the meantime you should stop contact completely until he has spoken to a social worker/the police. He needs to take responsibility for his actions before she should be exposed to him again, otherwise he is likely to escalate his physical abuse of her.

ETA you don't need a lawyer at this point, but you might if he takes you to court.

Zero tolerance. He's not seeing her. What if it escalated even further how would you feel?

You've already had the best advice - I'd go straight to the police too - but I just wanted to add, your poor girl. Please keep reassuring her that it's not her fault. I had a horrible dad and it took me till I was nearly 30 to go NC with him. I hope your dd is OK.

Right now she is learning how to accept being treated in her adult relationships. The evidence is clear that people who are abused as children are at much higher risk of being the victims (and indeed the perpetrators) of abuse as adults, because it has been normalised to them, and so they accept it.

If you don’t want her to accept being treated like this by a future boyfriend/husband, then now is the time to show her that this cannot be tolerated, and involve social services. Don’t send her back to him without a court order forcing you to. Keep her safe.

She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him.

Let her feel her feelings but don't let them have unsupervised contact - he can take you to court if he wants that

She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him.**

does she? Or is she conditioned to pacify him and is scared of the consequences of telling you what happened?

Absolutely this.

If you had a friend who was being repeatedly emotionally and physically abused by a boyfriend, but refusing to leave because she loved him, what would you want for her?

Would you try to help her maintain the relationship, because she loves him? Or would you want to get her out of there and as far away from him as possible, no matter how sad and confused and conflicted she felt?

I think this is simplistic. She may well love him and miss him, it's very common for children to feel that way about abusive parents.

It doesn't mean she should see him. But also not helpful to dismiss her real feelings.

Both your ex and your daughter need to know that violence and abuse aren’t going to be tolerated. Speak to the police and let them follow their process.

He abused you, now he’s abusing your daughter. If she thinks that this is how you treat people that you love then she is likely to end up in an abusive relationship. It’s a cycle. On and on it goes.

It’s natural she wants to see him -he is her dad abs she doesn’t understand the long term impact on her. Just like she might want ice cream every night for dinner.

But you are the adult and you understand. So you need to protect her. Start by gathering evidence. Then get her some support - speak to school and gp. And don’t let her go back there.

My first step would be to go into school first thing this morning and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead - one of the team should always be available to talk to anyone with concerns. Explain everything to them and then take it from there.

At 10 I would be honest with your daughter about what your doing along the way and that it’s to help keep her safe.

If you live in Wales smacking is illegal.

Report it to the police wherever you are.

Of course she loves him and wants to see him. It's very complicated.

But she's a child and when she grows up she will hate him, and she will be angry with you that you let her keep going back there even when she TOLD you, as far as she was able, what was happening.

Report it. Talk to the school and find a counsellor your daughter can talk to. She needs support from everywhere possible to understand and believe that this isn't her fault and to help her navigate a complicated relationship with her dad.
Best case scenario, this will trigger him to get some support for parenting that means he isn't abusive to your daughter and they can maintain a relationship.
Other cases - your daughter will learn that she doesn't have to put up with this amd other people support her in this. And that you won't force her to spend time with an abusive man.

I would push for supervised visits at a contact centre. She still gets to see him but she is SAFE

Absolutely report this.

It sounds like any contact needs to be supervised.

Hopefully the law will be changed so that abusive parents won't be able to get unsupervised contact to their children. Claire Throssell's two boys were killed by their father 11 years ago and she has been campaigning ever since to get the law changed. She has her MP on her side and has recently met with Keir Starmer who has promised that he will get a bill passed to prevent this form happening to anyone else.

This is an abusive relationship.
what would you do if an adult friend was being treated like that by a partner - physical and emotional violence followed by the silent treatment - but she said she loved him and wanted to see him? In that case I think most of us would be clear that was a bad idea, and advise not to. That the man didn’t deserve the love.

This is your child. She doesn’t owe him love, and emotional dependence on this nasty bully isn’t good for her. Parents have responsibilities, kids have rights.

Im so sorry your daughter has had this happen to her, please get help to keep her (and yourself) safe.